songs of the merman

Positive

2012-02-01T12:08:00.000+08:00

Something to think about HIV and our community:

http://fullman.com.ph/2012/01/28/openletterhiv/

We are young

2012-01-17T11:21:00.000+08:00

2011. Stop smoking, check. Beau con crown, check. Colored tattoo, check. Revisit Bacolod and CDO and visit Malaybalay, check. Reach Port Moresby, check. Stay single, check.

2012 and beyond. Revisit Bohol. Visit Batanes. Reach Europe. Watch Cyndi Lauper, Madonna, U2, Cold Play, Tori Amos in concert. Learn French or Spanish or Japanese. Own a sturdy mountain bike. Hike Mt Bulusan. Join a marathon. Write a Tagalog romance novel. Continue writing short stories and poems. Forgive friends/forget former friend's fault. Practice charity wholeheartedly. Be tested. Fall in love again.

I started jogging again with Lara last Saturday near Festival Mall. We ran for less an hour, err I ran pala. Lara whose tummy is twice that of a pregnant woman just cannot run the whole time. I noticed that I can still push myself to run longer and faster. It was just too bad that the track that we used was not runner-friendly. We have to explore further this weekend to find more runners. Meanwhile, it is O2 and I in Ultra tomorrow evening.

There was a ripped condom with Makie, the new guy, two weeks ago. I’m kinda speculative of what will happen because of it. What I did was to buy a sturdier condom brand. And as Jewel said, you have to use a lubricant gerl. And so I did last night.

It was our third time. I wanted to sleep after sharing a few drinks. But he is young and horny. What can I do? We are only as young as our lovers are. Hehe.

Yes, he is my new story. We agreed to a relationship. We’ll take it from here.

Thank you

2011-11-24T16:43:00.000+08:00

Thank you Philippines
Thank you lover
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you family
Thank you confidence
Thank you thank you silence

paraphrasing Alanis, Happy Thanksgiving!

Shake it out

2011-10-04T11:10:00.000+08:00

I am nurturing Cold that is yet to be born.

Cough has announced his presence intermittently but it is Fever that is on the verge.

Methinks it is because weekend past had no physicality in it. I miss Sweat and safely exchanged bodily Fluid.

Begin again

2011-08-23T15:54:00.000+08:00

you were no longer in my radar screen for more than a year now. but as unexpected as an earthquake, you shook the cold out of my night.

the tremors varied their intensity as darkness engulfed us. i held your hand never wanting to let go.

until daylight came with a pinch.

Lost

2011-08-18T18:24:00.001+08:00

last week, i was advised by one of the fortune readers to give up my search for the most beautiful thing and get to know the second best.

this week, the advise is to love what i've got. common, i haven't introduced myself to the second most beautiful thing yet.

I know it's over

2011-08-07T14:58:00.003+08:00

you are gone a week ago. but i learned just this morning of tales of betrayal when you were still here. i almost banged my head against an imaginary wall.

i was right all along. you were not to be believed.

my sprained ankle finally confessed.

Run the world (girls)

2011-08-05T17:26:00.003+08:00

the rain cannot make up its mind yet of going. it hovers darkly in the horizon. didn't it know that i have plans this weekend?

it is time to temporarily close this newsy business of telling friends of your thoughts and prepare for the morrow. fabulousness is waiting at the door.

*wink, wink*

Set fire to the rain

2011-08-04T17:25:00.001+08:00

i appreciate that you joined me in watching, "ang babae sa septic tank" last night. hearing you laugh with the audience was a joy. though i did not comment loudly when you said that you fell asleep in the beginning of the movie. whatttt???

ms. eugene was incredible in the movie!! alam mo yun.

so okay, being with you made the night. even if you did not go home with me.

"chos!"

it was almost a week since you left alabang and decided to go back to your father’s house in makati. you did not say goodbye that day. i thought that you changed your mind about leaving us in alabang. but you did not.

perhaps, what happened that night made you decide as it did to me also. i can’t continue to fall for someone who doesn’t seem to care about what i want. it is selfish i know. but you appeared to be more selfish to me the past few days before you left.

it was hard on me.

i sprained my ankle when i was about to tell you to fuck off. the accident calmed me down. but when i was sleeping alone on friday as you pretended to be concerned (yet you were out with lara drinking with his cousins), i decided it was enough.

i do not know yet if we’re going to be friends in the future, even if we have met twice this week already. i do not want to know.

I know it's over

2011-08-02T16:38:00.000+08:00

i woke up earlier than usual and wobbled on the air bed. tamed sunlight seeped inside the green room where best friend wilma and i sleep. i went out of the room and found wilma talking to his visitor from last night. so, junior is still here.

last night as i was about to sleep, wilma entered our room and whispered to me that junior’s was big as opposed to what joan was saying. i waited for a few minutes before i tiptoed toward our receiving area and witnessed wilma kneeling and bowing on junior’s hugeness.

it was an awesome sight but i was tired and did not feel anything. i told wilma the next day that i just don’t fancy junior. I am really not into size.

i longed for coffee as i always do in the morning. the thermos was being heated. in a few minutes there would be a cup. i could feel that donna cruz was still at it outside as i glanced in the direction where wilma and junior were sitting.

funny, i only thought of you when wilma suddenly mentioned your name.

Need you now

2011-07-29T14:52:00.000+08:00

i sprained my left ankle last night when i miscalculated my step down our stairs. i sat down quietly after the fall. i did not yell for help. i just felt my foot. it was not broken.

i got up in a few minutes and walked limping toward the kitchen.

i needed ice.

Get it right

2011-07-01T15:48:00.001+08:00

As we were about to leave the apartment this morning, Wilma said that I should just be involved with Amber. Little did he know that is what I certainly hope to happen. Little did he know that last night I was unable to sleep just thinking about where to go with the feeling growing in my stomach.

I became close to Amber since he started visiting the shop and sleeping over with us for more than a month now. I don’t know what it is about him that I like but I admitted recently to myself that I do like him. I haven’t told him about it yet because he calls me ‘Nay’ or mother. Maybe it is because he is much younger than me. But I ask myself, do I look girlish to him because he calls Wilma ‘kuya’ or brother.

When I arrived home last night, I couldn’t hide the pain I felt when I learned through Bobby and Larry that something happened between Amber and Joseph, Lara’s nephew. Joseph and his friends slept over two nights ago and we shared some alcohol. Nothing happened that night between them that I know of. It was in the morning that something did. Amber jokingly said that he just prayed over Joseph because it is huge.

I ate my dinner quietly after I learned about what happened. But it was so noisy inside my head. My heart was bursting. I wanted to be alone afterwards. I went up to the room that Wilma was renting and listened to downloaded music. Lea Michelle sang “Get it right”. I just could not.

Amber later sent an SMS to inquire if something was wrong because I was not my usual self when I was at the shop. I did not tell him I was ok. But I could not tell him though text. I wanted to say in person that it was because of what happened between Joseph and him that I was feeling lost.

But I did not say that to him yet. We slept side by side but not touching. I was angry at myself. Why did I let my heart fall again? Is he a better choice because he is not straight? I do not think so. It hurts as much.

I woke up numbed and went up to Wilma’s room.

If i die young

2011-05-27T11:20:00.003+08:00

Ang Kamatayn ng isang Birhen

Hinihila na si Alex ng panaginip isang gabi nang bigla niyang narinig ang boses ni Bighani mula sa labas ng gate ng kanilang apartment building. Bumangon siya, lumabas ng kwarto at aprtment, at tinungo ang gate.

"Naku, kuya Alex," umpisang kuwento ni Bighani habang binubuksan nya ang gate, 'kilala mo ba yung bakla sa parlor na malapit sa burgeran sa may simbahan?"

"Sinu dun?" inaantok na tanong ni Alex habang pinapapasok sina Bighani, Lara, at Beth, ang tatlong beauticians ng kare-renovate pa lang na Weave on Wave Salon sa gilid ng Alabang.

"Yung nakilala ni Nay Beth sa make-up competition nung isang buwan yata yun."

Tumango na lang si Alex kahit hindi nya maalala para lang ituloy ni Bighani ang kuwento.

"Namatay pala sa AIDS. Hindi kaya siya rin yung kakilala mo na namatay?"

"Gaga. Iba yun," sinara ni Alex ang gate. "Saka di ko naman sure kung sa AIDS nga namatay yung kakilala ko."

Pumasok na ulis si Alex sa kwarto sa likod ng Salon at nahiga. Inaantok na siya at maaga pa ang pasok niya kinabukasan.

"Dinala pala sa San Lazaro si bakla at di na pinalabas," bakas sa tinig ni Bighani ang pag-aalala. "Naku, kuya Alex, may mga kilala tayo na na-booking ni bakla. Di kaya anu..?"

Napaupo si Alex sa kama. "Sinu naman?"

Nagbanggit si Bighani ng mga pangalan. Lampas ng lima. Baka higit pa sa sampu. Kilala nga nila ang mga yun. May ilan na kangitian na nya habang nagbabantay sya ng Salon. May nakainuman. May nakakuwentuhan sa loob ng kwarto. May nakasama sa pagtulog.

Duon napagtanto ni Alex kung bakit parang balisa si Bighani. Ilang taon na rin nya nakakatulong si Bighani sa Salon at alam niya halos kung sinu-sino ang nakasama nito kapag sarado na ang Salon. Alam rin nya kung anu ang nakahiligan nitong gawin sa mga nakakasama nya. Alam din ni Bighani kung ano ang nakahiligan niya.

"Yung hada mo nung isang gabi, kuya Alex. Pumupunta rin yun kay bakla."

Hindi muna sumagot si Alex. Alam niyang safe naman siya nung isang gabi. Pero safe nga ba sya sa lahat ng pagkakataon? Kahit pa palagi niyang binabanggit kay Bighani na gumamit ito ng condom tuwing may booking. Di nya masabi sa sarili nung gabing yun na ginagawa nya ang sinasabi nya.

At ngayon ngang halos unti-unting dumarami ang nabibilang nyang kakilala or kakilala ng kakilala niya, na nagkakasakit dahil sa AIDS, napagtanto ni Alex na andyan na nga sa labas ng parlor ang sakit.

Hindi na ito nababasa nya lang sa mga magasin. O napapanood sa mga palabas. O napagkukuwentuhan nilang magkakaibigan. Nasa tarangkahan na nga si Ms. Aida Macaraeg, 30 years and getting stronger, Ms. International!

"Magpa test kaya tayo, kuya Alex?" mungkahi ni Bighani sa kanya.

Oo nga. Bakit ba hindi? Panahon na. Halos isang sakay lang ang RITM.

"Sige," sagot niya kay Bighani. Silang dalawa lang ang nasa kuwarto. Sina Lara at Beth ay nag-aayos na ng matutulugan sa mismong Salon. Tila wala namang pangamba ang mga ito.

Nahiga uli si Alex. Ilang minuto munang tahimik ang silid bago lumabas si Bighani ng kuwarto. Bitbit nito ang notebook na may listahan ng mga kakilala nyang nakita nito sa parlor ng bakla nung nabubuhay pa ito.

"Pakipatay ng ilaw, ne," pakiusap ni Alex.

Binalot ng dilim ang silid. Nangapa ang mga mata ni Alex dahil tila di na niya maaninag ang ilaw sa labas.

(Itutuloy)

Teenage Dream

2010-11-12T14:03:00.002+08:00

It is almost a year now of silence. I am aiming for a comeback. But I am not sure if my schedule can allow it.

I will be teaching graduate classes starting tomorrow. I will be in two more overseas trip this year. The salon is still open.

A few days ago, I celebrated another year in my life with teenager friends. I get older but my friends' age stay in one bracket. It feels good to be with the young ones. But until when?

An anchor must be found soon.

Yellow

2010-01-31T09:12:00.003+08:00

as sunshine slowly seeps into the bed,

my eyes open to the coolness of light.

today ain't any given Sunday,

your arms are enveloping my hands, body, being.

my beast is tamed,

it feels good to curl into your space again

and again.

It ends tonight

2009-12-01T16:16:00.000+08:00

Met and befriend Jeric. On with a new story.

Ako lang ang nagmahal

2009-11-19T14:02:00.002+08:00

I have been very busy in October so not much has been written here. It also means that nothing happened out of the ordinary. As I have told Paige in his phone call earlier, the stories were just the same, only with different men.

I found a very haunting song yesterday in Gibbs Cadiz's blog. Somehow it summarizes my affairs.

I ended it with Yuan. I slept with a number of guys. But most of them need not to be mentioned here. And Tristan has been moving away from me. He has not been inside the shop for a long time now.

This is what I told Paige when he asked me what's new. Not much. Still single and ably mingling with some boys. I'm a little scared though because my weight has lowered drastically. Is it that illness? I still don't know. I am scheduling a test this month.

And by the way, I just turned a year older last week. :)

Brown eyes

2009-09-29T17:14:00.004+08:00

The whole megapolis was being inundated with flood and all I could think of was his eyes boring into mine. I was flattering myself because Tristan seldom looks right into my eyes whenever I try to find his.

It was unexpected. I arrived at the Salon at 11 pm after attending an office-sponsored dinner. I learned that they were drinking at the back of Marty's house in front of the shop. I joined the session when it was about to end. I bought two mucho SMBs after we finished a matador brandy lolo bottle.

At first, I was not minding Tristan because there was a new cute guy in the group. Bighani later told me that the new guy was Vicky's Papa Dom who looked like Dingdong Dantes. Vicky is still in Sorsogon, by the way.

Tristan was supposed to sleep in Marty's room but we learned that there was no fan available that night. I offered my place to him and he agreed. Tristan had slept twice in my room before and what we did was just hugged each other during those times. Okay, I was the one doing all the hugging.

But last Friday night was different. I closed my door after I entered the room. Tristan was sleeping, and so I thought. He moved his body and faced the wall when I was already in bed. I tried giving him a back massage while still lying down. I stopped after a few strokes.

He got up after a few minutes. "Ansakit katawan ko. Masahe mo ako."

I told him to take of his shirt. I massaged Tristan's back slowly with lotion that I got from a hotel. It lasted for at least 15 minutes. And the he said that I should massage his front body next.

The massage reminded me of Dado, a childhood friend. Whenever my massage continued to his front upper body, it would led to sex. It happened several times between us.

I knew that the same thing would not happen between Tristan and I. Tristan is a friend of Yuan who I am still seeing. Though he sleeps in my room, I promised myself not to have sex with him.

But when my fingers were touching his nipples as my hands circled his chest and abdomen, I realized that Tristan might be open to something. I continued to brush his nipples and later his belly button. I moved my hands in a clockwise direction on his stomach, letting them hide inside his board shorts. I felt his hard-on the second time that I inserted my hands inside his shorts.

I moved my body to prepare for battle as I grasped his still hidden number. I helped him pulled down his shorts and underwear and engulfed him in my mouth. Tasty!

I enjoyed every single lick, suck, kiss, and nip. I pampered him with my mouth, lips, tongue, and fingers. I was shaking. Surely, it was not happening.

Here I was, sucking the aloof Tristan! Let me make the most of it.

As I continued to move my head and neck, my hands went almost everywhere, caressing his nipples, skin, balls.

It seemed so long but so short a rendezvous. My jaw was so tired when he was about to finish. My neck almost felt sore. He removed my hand at the base of his penis and insinuated that he liked having his whole being swallowed whole.

My mouth nurtured him fully and moved round and round with my tongue licking his skin. I gagged twice and waited for him to convulse his lust. And as he rocked his body to the final moment, I closed my lips without biting him and felt the final tremors.

I swallowed hard, let go, and kissed his waning erection. I wiped the saliva of his skin with tissue and helped him pull back his shorts.

He left the room after 30 minutes when Marty came looking for him. I went to the school in the morning thinking of Tristan as Ondoy started pelting Manila with rain.

It was only on Sunday morning when I arrived at the Shop. My Saturday night was spent wondering about him amid the storm.

It was only last night when I saw Tristan again. He waved at me as my tricycle passed him by. Later, he went to the shop and had dinner with us and some friends. He went home at 9 pm.

"I'm going, Sid."

I smiled searching for his brown eyes and waved good night.

Criminal

2009-09-19T01:34:00.002+08:00

Ang Kriminal Kong Hada

Hindi ka mapakali. Kanina ka pa nakahiga sa kama mo pero hindi mo pa rin maipikit ang iyong mga mata. May hinahanap kang kulang ngayong gabi. May hinahanap kang kakaibang pakiramdam na ilang araw mo na ring pilit na kinakalimutan. Pilit na binabalewala.

Ngunit sa gabing ito ay hindi ka na makakapagpigil. Babangon ka sa iyong pagkakahiga. Magbibihis at lalabas ng bahay. Sasakay sa jeep hanggang sa matatagpuan mo ang taong makakapagbalik sa iyong nawawalang pakiramdam.

Iyon, ang taong yun na nakatayo malapit sa inabandonang phone booth sa gilid ng kalsada. Papara ka dahil kinakailangan mo nang bumaba ng jeep. Lalapitan mo siya. Ilalabas mo ang iyong sigarilyo. Makikisindi ka.

“Pwedeng makisindi?”

Kukunin mo ang sigarilyo niya. Hihithit ka nang dahan-dahan. Ngingiti ka pagkatapos mong bumuga. Kakausapin mo siya.

”Thanks. Anong oras na ba?”

“W-wala akong relo eh,”

Ayan, sinagot ka na niya. Didiskartehan mo na. Dali na, nangangati ka na, di ba? Huwag mo nang palalagpasin. “Hindi pa naman siguro hatinggabi. Pwede pa tayong pumunta sa kung saan.”

“S-saan mo naman gustong pumunta?”

“Sa langit saan pa.”

“Hindi ako nagmomotel. Nakakahiya.”

“Hindi motel ang ibig kong sabihin. Pwede naman akong sumama sa iyo kahit saan mo dalhin.”
“Magkano ba? Wala akong pera eh. Di pa ako sumusuweldo.”

“Don’t worry, mura lang ako.”

“Baka naman mamaya tagain mo ako, hindi kita mabayaran.”

“Pwede na sa iyo ang eight hundred?”

”Ang mahal naman. Three hundred lang ang kaya ko.”

”Mababa. Six fifty.”

Kukunin mo ang kamay niya. Ihahagod mo sa harapan ng maong mo. Hahayaan mong pisilin niya ang bukol mo. Hindi mo bibitawan ang kamay niya hanggang hindi pa niya nararamdaman ang iyong kabuuan.

”Okey ba?”

”Three hundred lang talaga.”

Huwag ka nang makipagtawaran. Pwede na yan. Hindi naman pera ang kailangan mo, di ba?

”Halika na. Baka may pulis pang makatiyempo sa atin dito. Ma-bagansiya pa tayo.”

“Heto na ang taxi.”

Tatanungin mo sya kung saan nakatira at kung may kasama sa bahay. Mahirap na. Baka masayang lang ang gabing ito. Kailangang hindi ka mamukhaan na kasama niya. “Malayo ba sa inyo?”

“Sakay na. Manong, sa Cubao ho. Sa may E Rodriguez.”

Muli mong hahawakan ang kamay niya. Ipapatong mo sa iyong kaliwang hita na hindi mahahalata ng driver. Muli mong ipapahawak ang pintog ng pagnanasa mo.

“Mama, kanan po tayo dyan. Sa tabi na lang ho.”

Masuwerte ka. Wala na'ng mga tao dito sa labas ng kalsada nila. Pero huwag ka pa ring didikit sa kanya para hindi halatang kasama mo siya. Tahimik ka lang na susunod. Nararamdaman mo na ba ang kaba?

”Halika na sa loob. Dahan-dahan ang pasok ha. Hindi ko pa sigurado kung tulog na si Mommy.”
Tatanungin mo nang pabulong kung may kasama pa siya maliban sa nanay niya. ”Ilan ba kayo dito?”

”Dalawa lang kami ni Mommy. Sa taas siya natutulog. Dito ako sa baba. Itong kuwarto ko. Pasok ka. Sisilipin ko lang ang Mommy. Sandali lang ha.”

Malaki ang bahay nila kung para sa dalawang tao lang. Malaki rin ang kuwarto niya para sa iisang tao. Para lang maliit dahil sa napakaraming nakatambak na libro. Walang gaanong dekorasyon ang silid. Iisang poster lang ng isang banyagang artistang lalaki ang nakadikit sa dingding. River Phoenix, 1970-1993.

Malaki ang kama. Mukhang malinis at bagong laba ang pulang-pulang kubrekama. Malambot. Masarap sigurong mahiga sa kanyang kama.

Ahh. Tamang-tama ang dilim ng ilaw sa gagawin mo. Mukhang susuwertehin ka ngayong gabi. Nararamdaman mong bumibilis na ang tibok ng iyong puso. Nag-uumpisa nang kumulo ang iyong dugo.

”Okey na. Tulog na ang Mommy. Hindi na niya tayo maririnig."

"Andami mo namang libro. Hilig mo sigurongmagbasa." Huwag nang marami pang tinatanong!

"Oo. Paborito ko nga ang mga mystery and crime stories eh. Gusto mo munang maligo?”

“Hindi na. Baka magtaka pa ang Mommy mo na may naliligo pa sa ganitong oras ng gabi dito sa bahay ninyo.”

“Don’t worry. Sanay na siya sa akin na late nang naliligo. Nakahubad kasi ako kung matulog. Kailangang malinis na malinis ang aking katawan para hindi madudumihan ang kama.”

“Sa sahig na lang tayo kung gusto mo. Halika na.” Nasasabik ka na. Dali na, hihilahin mo na siya palapit sa kama.

“Wait. Hindi naman natin kailangang magmadali. I wanna enjoy this moment with you. Bihira ko na ring magawa ito mula nang nagkasakit si Mommy. Okey lang ba?”

Naknamputsa naman oo at nagkukuwento pa. Umpisahan na. May ilang linggo na ring hindi mo nagagawa ito. Nabuburat ka na. Hihilahin mo na dapat ang kamay niya palapit sa ‘yo!

”Ano nga pala ang pangalan mo? Ako si Lean.”

Bigla kang tatayo mula sa pagkakaupo sa kama. Hahapitin mo na siya sa balikat. Sabay kayong mauupo sa kama habang yakap-yakap mo siya. Uumpisahan mong hahalikan ang batok niya.

”Wait. May kiliti ako diyan. Ayyy! Sandali lang."

Hindi ka titigil sa pagpapagapang ng iyong dila mula sa kanyang batok patungo sa kanyang kanang tenga.

"Sandali. May itatanong ako. May napansin ka bang nakakita sa atin nang pumasok tayo ng bahay.”

Uungol ka para sabihing wala kang nakita. Hihigpitan mo ang yakap sa kanya habang gagapang ang mga kamay mo sa katawan niya.

“Sigurado ka bang wala talaga? Magagalit kasi ang Mommy kapag nalaman niyang pinag-uusapan ako ng mga kapitbahay nang dahil sa pagpunta mo rito. Mabuti at hindi ka nakitang narito. Ano nga palang pangalan mo?”

“Ador.” Sinigurado mong walang nakakita sa'yo kanina. Hindi ka dapat makita ng mga tao na pumasok at lumabas sa bahay nila. Kaya kailangang tapusin mo na. Tumatakbo ang oras.

“Ador. Ano ba ang kaya mo, Ador? Ang sarap namang pakinggan ng pangalan mo. Ador. Parang minamahal ng marami. Simply adored. Kahangahanga. Sige, paligayahin mo ako Ador. Ganyan. Matagal ko na ring gustong hangaan ako. Ayaw lang ng Mommy. Simutin mo ang bango ko. Lamutakin mo ako. Ang sarap niyan. Dilaan mo pa ako diyan. Sobrang higpit minsan ng Mommy. Sing and dance ka ba, Ador?”

“Kahit ano, gagawin ko para sa ‘yo. Basta sa huli, gagawin ko rin ang gusto ko.”

”Ano ba ang gusto mo? Type mo ba ito Ador?”

Sige, hahayaan mo siyang sipsipin ang tenga mo. Dilaan ang leeg mo habang unti-unti kang maghuhubad. Tatanggalin mo na ang iyong t-shirt habang patuloy na binabasa ka ng laway niya. Itatapon mo sa tabi ng kama ang iyong pantalon. Gagapang ang mga kamay mo para hubaran din siya. Hahayaan mo na siyang magpakasasa. Magpakasawa. Dahil mayamaya, bago niya marating ang sukdulan...

”May binubulong ka Ador? Wait, nag-e-enjoy ka ba? Nasasarapan ka ba?”

”Mahalaga ba sa iyo kung nasasarapan ako?”

”Oo naman. Kailangan nasasarapan ka rin. Sayang naman ang oras mo sa akin kung hindi ka man lang mag-e-enjoy. Hindi lang naman siguro ang ibabayad ko ang pinunta mo dito.”

Hindi nga. Hindi pera. Ikaw, ikaw ang ipinunta ko dito. Ang dugong titilamsik sa gilit mong leeg ang pakay ko.

”Alam mo Ador, iba ka kung makatitig. Parang may sinasabi ang mga mata mo kapag natatahimik ka. Nahihiwagaan tuloy ako sa iyo. Ano ba ang misteryo sa likod ng iyong mga titig?”

Huwag mo nang hahayaang magsalita pa siya. Hahalikan mo na dapat. Mariin. Mapusok. Matagal. Hanggang halos hindi na siya makahinga.

Igagapang mo na rin ang mga kamay mo sa kanyang baywang, likod, dibdib, leeg. Ahh, kaysarap damhin ang mapuputi niyang leeg. Nararamdaman mo na ba ang pabilis nang takbo ng kanyang pulso? Naaalala mo tuloy si Joseph. Yung kauna-unahan sa kanilang lahat.

Ang tanga-tanga ng baklang yun. Sukat ba namang hintuan ka ng sasakyan niya habang naglalakad ka sa kahabaan ng Taft. Hindi ba niya alam na delikado yun at maaari siyang madisgrasya sa basta-bastang pagpi-pick-up ng kung sino. Ikaw pa ang natiyempuhan niya. Eh nanginginig ang kamay mo noon dahil hindi mo napuruhan ang pinatira ko sa iyong lasing na hahara-hara sa daan sa likod ng PWU. Akala niya siguro, isa ka sa mga callboy na nakatambay doon. Napagkamalan ka. Napukpok mo tuloy ng plorera ang ulo niya. Natawa na nga lang ako sa bigla niyang pagmamakaawa. Putang ina niya! Akala niya nagpapakana ka sa puwet. Ano ka, bakla ring katulad niya?

Kaya nang nakita mo ang dugong sumirit sa ulo niya ay tuwang-tuwa ka. Nailabas mo na rin ang galit mo. Ganun pala ang pakiramdam. Walang kasing-sarap na paglaya. Dugo lang pala ang kapalit sa mga gabing hindi ka makatulog dahil sa naipong galit sa iyong dibdib. Putang-ina kasing mga magulang mo. Bakit ka ba nila pinabayaang palakihin ng tiyahin mo? Putang ina nilang tatlo!

”Aray! Sandali Ador. Masakit. Dahan-dahanin mo naman ang kagat. Baka dumugo.”

”Pasensiya na. Masyado lang akong nadala.” Huwag ka nang humingi pa ng dispensa. Ituloy mo na!

Muli mo siyang hahagkan sa gilid ng labi. Pahihigain sa kama. Hahawakan ang kanyang mga kamay palayo sa kanyang ulo habang idinidiin mo ang iyong katawan sa kanyang katawan. Iindayog ka habang kinikiskis mo ang tumitigas mo nang ari sa kanya. Didilaan mo ang kanyang kili-kili. Sisipsipin mo ang kanyang utong. Tatakbuhin ng dila mo ang kahabaan ng kanyang tiyan hanggang sa kanyang likod. Padadapain mo siya at muling papatungan. Didilaan ang batok. Pababa. Hanggang sa mga pisngi ng kanyang likuran. Aabutin ng kamay mo ang kanyang ari para bayuhin. Babayuhin mo siya habang nilulunod mo ang kanyang likuran ng iyong laway.

Maghahanda ka na para saksakin siya nang patalikod. Igagapang mo ang isa mong kamay palapit sa iyong pantalon kung saan mo itinago ang maliit mong balisong. Ang balisong na itatarak mo sa kanyang likuran. Dali, habang tumitirik pa ang mga mata niya sa sarap. Kakapain mo ang balisong. Handang handa na siya para saksakin mo. Makukuha mo na ang balisong. Mahahawakan ito. Pinag-iisipan mo na kung papaano iuumang na sa likod niya ang balisong habang pabilis na pabilis ang paglalaro ng iyong dila.

“Sandali.”

Bumalikwas siya. Itatago mo sa iyong likod ang balisong.

“Ang Mommy! Mukhang nagising si Mommy. May narinig ka bang ingay mula sa taas?”

Hindi ka makakapagsalita. Hihingalin ka. Manghihinayang. Malapit na malapit na. Matatahimik ka na naman sana.

”Patayin natin ang ilaw para akalain niyang tulog na ako. Sandali lang ha.”

Hahabulin mo siya ng tingin sa gilid ng iyong mata habang ipinupuwesto mo sa iyong likod ang balisong para hindi niya makita. Hindi mo ipapahalata ang lakas ng tambol sa iyong dibdib at ang nag-aapoy mong mga mata. Magdedesisyun ka na oras na patayin niya ang ilaw ay tatakbuhin mo siya at gigilitin na ang leeg. Katulad ng mangilan-ngilan na ring pumik-ap sa iyo nitong mga nakaraang buwan. Papatayin mo silang lahat na mga bakla. Katulad ng gustong-gusto mong gawin sa tiyuhin mo sa probinsiya. Babasagin mo ang bungo ng putang inang bakla.

Didilim ang silid sa biglang pagpatay sa ilaw. Aaninagin mo siya. Tatayo ka palayo sa kama at palapit sa may switch ng ilaw. Papakinggan ang kanyang paggalaw upang undayin na ng saksak. Hihigpitan mo ang hawak sa balisong.

Pero hindi mo siya maaninag. Hindi mo makikita kung saan siya nakatayo. Hindi mo maririnig ang kanyang paghinga. Putang ina! Nasaan na ang putang inang bakla?

Magugulat ka sa malakas na pagpalo sa ulo mo. Mabubuwal ka. Mamimilipit sa sakit habang sunud-sunod ang pagpalo sa iyong katawan at ulo.

Huwag ang aking ulo!

Ahhhh! Anong nangyayari? Huh?! Nakakabulag ang ilaw!

Ang bakla. Nasaan ang putang-inang bakla? Hayun sa harap. Nakatayo ang bakla na may hawak na libro na nababalutan ng dugo. Ng aking dugo!

Huwag! Wala akong kasalanan sa iyo! Maawa ka!

”Putang ama mong kolboy ka! Putang ina ka!”

Three

2009-09-03T15:41:00.001+08:00

It was unexpected but not impossible.

Last night, Chip and two of his friends from the province, Luke and Gian, shared some drinks with Bighani, Frederic, and I. It was past midnight when we started the session. They already had a few drinks earlier in Palar.

We were unable to finish a ‘lolo’ matador, the biggest size. I was already tipsy and lustful.

Gian gave up first. Chip explained that Gian had been drinking since five in the afternoon and they lacked sleep. Gian slept inside the room with only his boxer on.

Gian is brown-skinned and looked well enough to enflame my interest. He is young and lean and has a certain air of confidence in him. I kept glancing at him while we were drinking but could not totally flirt because Chip was there. Chip was supposed to be the only meal for the night.

Luke decided to sleep in the salon’s room beside Bighani. Bighani confided to me this morning that nothing happened daw with them because I warned him not to touch the guys. “Sabe?”

Frederic left near the end of the drinking session.

Chip borrowed a boxer short from me to sleep in. We settled in my bed with me as sandwich filler between Gian and him.

Gian woke up and started pinching my right nipple. I let him as my left hand moved all over Chip’s body. Chip was not hiding his erection. I stroke his penis while Gian continued to pinch my right teat ever so slowly.

Chip suddenly got up and told me that he was going to pee. I wasted no time in putting Gian's erection into my mouth when Chip left the room. I played with it with my tongue until I was certain that Chip was about to enter the room again.

I repositioned my body and hugged Chip again when he came back to bed. It was Gian's turn to leave the room under the pretense of watching the movie that Luke had played in the main room of the Salon.

I started on him by licking Chip's nipples one after the other. I heard him moaning as he usually does. I slowly moved my tongue downwards and met with his glans penis which I removed from his boxer. I moved my head up and down as I listen to Chip's continuous moaning. I did not stop the movements of my lips, tongue, neck, and cheeks as Gian entered the room pretending that nothing was happening.

Gian lied down next to Chip as I continued to suck Chip. I moved my right hand and groped Gian's hardened penis. I took it out of his boxer too and stroked it up and down.

As the two men seemed oblivious of the fact that I was doing them both, I resigned wholeheartedly to the scene. I sucked them alternately as both of my hands helped. It was Chip who came first which was followed by Gian shortly.

There was no mess to clean up afterwards. I slept as soon as my back touched the bed.

Yellow submarine

2009-09-02T12:27:00.008+08:00

"Look at the stars,

Look how they shine for you,

And everything you do,

Yeah they were all yellow..."

Noynoy is running. I'm surely voting for him. No one else compares when integrity comes into the frame.

Never mind that he is young. Never mind every other issue that they will throw at him. The important thing is he inspires me to do good and to care more for my country.

I was among the thousands who line up just to view the body of his mother, former President Cory Aquino. But we were late in lining up for the last viewing. The rain was making us crazy, tired, and hungry. Kristi and I gave up two-thirds of the way when the line was not moving anymore.

I will never give up now in support of his candidacy.

Not Erap. Not Manny. Not Noli. Not Eddie. Not Teddy.

It's Noynoy for President!

Dreams

2009-08-29T13:51:00.011+08:00

Enero sa Panaginip (Huling Bahagi)

Si Danny ang kaunaunahang naging kasintahan ni Alex. Naging sila dalawang taon na ang nakakaraan sa loob lang ng dalawang buwan. Magkababayan sila sa Sorsogon. Tatlong taon ang tanda niya dito.

High school pa lang si Danny ay may gusto na si Alex dito. Magkokolehiyo si Alex noon nang nagkakilala sila. Kasamahan niya si Danny sa Youth Charismatic Movement ng kanilang bayan. Sumali siya sa grupo noong bakasyong iyon bago siya pumasok ng kolehiyo para sana hanapin muli ang lugar ng Diyos sa kanyang buhay pagkatapos na nagpakilala ang daigdig ng kamunduhan sa kanya.

Maputi si Danny. Mestisuhin. Pantay-pantay ang mga ngipin. Mga katangianag unang napapansin niya sa mga lalaki. Ngunit hindi sa pisikal na kaanyuan ni Danny tuluyang nahulog si Alex. Mabait din ito. Masarap kausap. At may isyung nakabalot sa katauhan.

Higit sa lahat, ang pagiging anak sa labas ni Danny at ang pagkakaroon ng ina nito ng kabit na tomboy, ang tuluyang humigop kay Alex para magustuhan si Danny. Noon pa man, naaakit na siya sa mga lalaking sa palagay niya ay may malalaking problemang katulad nina Lloyd at Danny. Gustung-gustong ilaro ni Alex sa kanyang isip na siya ang magiging hingaan ng sama ng loob ng mga lalaking iyon.

Kinaibigan ni Alex si Danny. Binarkada. Niyaya sa mga inuman tuwing nauuwi siya ng bayan nila kapag wala siyang pasok sa kolehiyo. Isinama sa mga lakad nilang magkakaibigan.

Sa isang inuman sa bahay ng kaibigan niyang si Peter, nalasing siya at tinangka niyang halikan si Danny. Pumalag si Danny sa umpisa ngunit dahil sa pagpupursige ni Alex at sa kalasingan ni Danny kaya ito ay walang nagawa kundi magpaubaya. Ngunit biglang nagyayang umuwi ang isang kaibigan ni Danny. Hindi na napigilan nina Alex at Peter ang mga ito. Inihatid nilang magkakaibigan sina Danny sa sakayan ng tricycle.

Hindi na kinausap ni Danny si Alex kinabukasan. Nagalit ito. ”Nag-take advantage ka raw sa pagiging magkaibigan ninyo,” sisi ni Peter kay Alex. Hindi na nagpumilit si Alex na makipagkasundo. Kung ayaw niya di huwag, pagmamalaki niya. Noon pa man ay hindi na madali sa kanyang ipaglaban ang nararamdaman.

Nakapagtapos ng kolehiyo si Alex at nakapagtrabaho na sa Maynila ngunit iilang beses lang uli sila nagkasalubong ng landas ni Danny. Hanggang hi at hello na lang ang nababanggit nila kung hindi man bahagyang pagtango ng ulo ang ginagawa pag nagkikita.

Dalawang taon nang nagtratrabaho si Alex sa Maynila nang nagkita silang muli ni Danny. Wala na ang pagmamalaki nila sa isa’t-isa. Naging magkaibigan uli sila. Dahil siguro sa lungkot at hirap ng buhay-Maynila kaya hindi na nailang sa kanya si Danny. Nagtratrabaho nang mga panahon iyon bilang sales clerk si Danny sa isang tindahan ng mga kagamitang pang-bahay.

“Diri man siguro dahil sa pagkamundo,” paliwanag ng kaibigan niyang si Sherwin na walang kaalam-alam sa pagkakagustong napupukaw sa puso ni Alex para dito, na hindi kalungkutan ang dahilan kung bakit naging magkaibigang muli sila ni Danny. Nasa Chow King sila sa SM City at hinihintay ang paglabas ni Danny sa duty nito. “Nag-mature lang siguro kamo pareho.”

“Yeah, right,” ngiti ni Alex. “Pero, ang mahalaga magkaibigan na kaming muli.”

Hindi na nagsalita si Sherwin. Tuloy ang pagnguya nito sa malalaking yelo ng halu-halo habang ninanakawan ni Alex ng mga makahulugang tingin.

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“Pero di kami nag-sex ni Danny, ever,” palaging dagdag ni Alex kapag naikukuwento niya ang nangyari sa kanila ni Danny sa kanyang mga kaibigan. “At di siya bading, ‘no.”

“Akala mo lang yun,” puna ni Vince. Umuwi ito mula sa Texas noong nakaraang Pasko para bisitahin ang pamilya at ang kasintahan nito ng dalawang taon na kaibigan na rin ni Alex. Nasa Café Figaro sila sa Glorietta sa huling linggo ng Disyembre. “Saka, sino naman ang maniniwala na walang nangyari sa inyo? Di ba naging magdyowa kayo?”

“Oo nga,” paliwanag ni Alex. “Pero yung pag-agree ko na magkaroon kami ng relasyon ay delayed reaction ko sa aking naramdaman sa kanya noong nag-uumpisa pa lamang ang aming pagiging magkaibigan. Isa pa, nang nagkasundo kaming maging magdyowa, siya dahil sa akin lang daw siya pupuwedeng makipag-relasyon kung sa bading din lang, at ako dahil frustrated na ako sa aking pag-asam na magugustuhan ni Sherwin, ay out of deep respect na lang namin sa isa’t-isa. Wala na yung dating kalibugan. Kaya siguro madali ring nawala. Lalo na at close na kami ni Sherwin noon, pero iba nang istorya yun.”

Wala pa rin ang paniniwala sa mga mata ni Vince.

“You don’t have to believe me,“ diin ni Alex sa patuloy na pagdedepensa sa sarili kay Vince. Nasa apartment na sila na inuupahan ng magkasintahan. “Wa’ na ako care kung naniniwala man kayo o hindi. Frankly my dears, ‘no, wala na akong paki.“ Sabay irap sa hindi pa rin pag-amin na may nangyari na sa kanila ni Danny.

Natawa si Vince at kinindatan ang kasintahang si Arnold. “Here we are again. Lumalabas na naman ang pagka-artista ng isa dito.”

Hindi na umimik si Alex. Inikot niya ang kanyang mga mata sa kuwartong tinutulugan ng magkasintahan. Sinuri ang bawat sulok. Natuwa siya sa kanyang sarili nang malaman na wala na ang mga bakas ng mga gulong naranasan ng silid nang dahil sa mga away ng kanyang mga kaibigan: ang wasak na seradura ng pintuan, ang basag na salamin ng aparador, ang warak na telepono, ang putol na isang paa ng kama. Matatag lang siguro ang pagmamahalan ng dalawa. Hindi na basta mabubuwag ang pag-ibig at pag-uunawaang umusbong na nang tuluyan at nagtali sa dalawa para tumagal ng mahigit sa dalawang taon nang pagsasama. Si Vince na nakatutok na ang buong katinuan sa kasintahan. At ang kasintahan nitong si Arnold, na ang pagmamahal kay Vince ay inakala ni Alex na larawan ng isang matibay na pader na hindi na mapapabagsak kaylanman ng kung ano mang unos.

Nilingon ni Alex ang nakaupo sa kamang si Arnold. Bakit nga ba hindi niya kaya ang lakas ng loob nitong ipaglaban ang pag-ibig ? Bakit ba napakadaling sumuko sa bawat pagkalulong niya sa pagmamahal lalo na at alam niyang wala nang dapat pang ipaglaban para panatilihin ito? Tulad nga ng pagmamahal niya noon kay Sherwin. At ang pagmamahal niya noong Enero kay Lloyd.

“Ano na ba ang lagay ninyo ni Lloyd?“ tanong ni Arnold kay Alex, limang araw bago ang kasal ni Marie sa UP. Bumalik na noon sa Texas si Vince habang nasa McDonald’s Greenbelt naman sina Alex, Orlan, at Arnold. Mapayapa at mabituin ang gabing iyon ng Enero sa Makati.

“Friends pa rin kami,” sagot ni Alex.

“So what else is new?” puna ni Arnold. “Eh, mahal mo nga bang talaga si Lloyd?”

“Di ko alam. Maybe. Ayokong aminin sa sarili ko dahil deep inside alam kong walang mangyayari sa amin. Sinabi na niya sa akin na hindi pa siya ready. Hanggang ngayon, mahal pa nga niya siguro ang ex niya.”

“Eh, bakit nariyan ka pa rin?“ si Orlan. “Umaasa ka pa bang magugustuhan ka ni Lloyd kapag nalimutan na nun yung ex niya? Asa ka pa ‘no? Magising ka na diyan sa bangungot mo, bakla.“

Gustong pagdiinan ni Alex na kakayanin niya ang pagbabalewala ni Lloyd sa kanyang nararamdaman hanggang kaya niya. Kahit sabihin pa ng mga kaibigan niyang marami namang ibang puwedeng pag-ukulan ng pagmamahal, hindi niya gagawing ibaling sa iba ang pagtingin. Sawang-sawa na si Alex sa pagsuko. Sa pagkakataong iyon, nais niyang ipaglaban ang minimithi ng kanyang puso.

Ngunit napakahirap palang gawin iyon. Sa mga sumunod na araw, nalaman ni Alex kung anong klaseng tapang ang kailangan para matumbasan niya ang lakas ng loob na ipinaramdam ni Arnold para ipaglaban ang pagmamahal nito kay Vince at ni Orlan para patagalin ng halos apat na taon ang relasyon nito sa dating kasintahang naglaho nang parang bula nang nakapag-asawa.

Unti-unti, dumating kay Alex ang pagsuko. Hindi pa niya alam noon na katulad niya, bago natapos ang taon, nakaramdam din ng pagsuko sina Arnold at Orlan.

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Kahit ilang ulit pang tawa ni Alex, hindi pa rin niya naikubli ang mga kurot sa puso na dulot ng walang pagdadalawang-isip na pagtanggap ni Lloyd sa mga parinig ni Boboy, isa sa mga bisita sa isang munting pagdiriwang sa bahay ni Lloyd. Sabihin man niya nang paulit-ulit sa sarili na wala siyang karapatang masaktan dahil wala naman silang relasyon ni Lloyd, hindi pa rin naalis ang kung anong hapding naramdaman niya lalo na nang pumagitna sa kanilang pagkakahiga sa sofa bed si Boboy.

Hindi umimik si Alex. Ayaw niyang gumawa ng maling hakbang. Naisip niya na hindi na niya gagawin ang dati niyang reaksiyon sa katulad na sitwasyon. Hindi na siya bata kaya hindi siya aalis nang walang paalam. Kailangan niyang magtimpi.

Naghintay ng ilang minuto si Alex habang pilit siyang inaalo ni Lloyd sa pamamagitan ng paghipo nito sa kanyang braso at paglipat ng pagkakahiga sa pagitan nilang dalawa ni Boboy. Ngunit sa gilid ng hindi na halos kumurap na mata ni Alex, nakita niya ang pagdausdos ng kamay ni Lloyd sa harapan ng suot na panloob ni Boboy. Muli, sinalakay si Alex ng mga kurot sa puso. Nanikip ang kanyang dibdib. Naramdaman niyang para siyang itinutulak ng palakas na palakas na hangin sa pagtulay sa isang manipis na alambre. Tumingin siya sa kanyang paanan at nahilo sa napakalawak na kadilimang naghihintay sa kanya. Naghabol siya ng hininga.

Tumayo si Alex nang dahan-dahan at tinungo ang palikuran. Naramdaman niya sa likod ng kanyang ulo ang pagtagos ng titig nina Lloyd at Boboy sa kanya. Hindi siya lumingon sa dalawa. Kinausap niya ang sarili sa salamin ng palikuran kung kaya pa niya ang nangyayari. Pinilit niyang papatakin ang kanyang mga luha ngunit walang kapayapaan na bumaba sa kanyang mga mata.

Tumuloy siya sa hapag-kainan nang bumalik siya sa salas at nag-ayos ng mga kalat na naiwan ng mga nagsiuwian nang kasali sa kasayahan. Tumulong sa kanya si Raphael, isa sa mga kaibigan nila ni Lloyd. “Bukas niyo na gawin yan,“ pakiusap ni Lloyd na kayakap pa rin si Boboy. Hindi siya umimik at ipinagpatuloy ang ginagawa.

Nang nakauwi na si Boboy, may binulong si Lloyd sa kanya. “Selos ka ‘no?“ kantiyaw nito. Pilit ang ngiti ni Alex. “Siguro nga,“ sagot niya. “Pero hindi ko rin alam.“

Ang alam ko lang, sulat niya sa kanyang journal kinabukasan, nakita ko ang sarili ko sa kaibigan natin. Na puwede mo palang pagbigyan ang mga pantasya ng kung sino mang magkakagusto sa iyo. Hindi nga pala talaga ako mahalaga sa iyo. Isa lang ako sa kanila. Hindi ako umimik dahil masakit palang tanggapin ang katotohanan. Na ako kaylanman, ay hindi magiging espesyal sa iyong paningin.

Lalong napatunayan ni Alex ang lugar niya sa puso ni Lloyd nang isang araw ay naisipan ng dati nitong kasintahan na tumira ng ilang araw sa bahay ni Lloyd. Nalito si Lloyd sa desisyun ni Bernie. Tumawag ito sa opisina ni Alex at nagkuwento. Humingi ng tulong.

Nagbigay siya ng oras ng kanyang pagpunta sa bahay ni Lloyd. Sige, mag-usap tayo mamaya, sinabi niya kay Lloyd.

Ilang beses siyang tumawag kay Lloyd bago pumunta ng Quezon City mula sa kanyang opisina para sabihing papunta na siya. Nasa McDonald’s Quezon Avenue siya nang nakita niyang dumaan ang kotse nito. Tumayo si Alex at tinungo ang bahay ni Lloyd.

Sa tingin ni Alex ay hindi magkandaugaga si Lloyd nang pagbuksan siya nito ng gate. Nasa telepono raw si Bernie kaya agad-agad itong bumalik ng bahay nang nabuksan ang gate. Habang naglalakad siya palapit sa pintuan ng bahay ni Lloyd ay naramdaman niya ang muling paggalaw ng alambreng kanyang tinutulayan. Nakita niyang malayo pa ang kabilang dulo ng bangin subalit hindi na siya halos makagalaw sa gitna sa lakas ng ihip ng hangin. Wala na ang mga bulalakaw sa dilim.

Tumunog ang telepono nang nasa sala na si Alex. Sinagot ito ni Lloyd at sa likod ng bahay nakipag-usap. Tinungo ni Alex ang kuwarto ni Lloyd at hinayaan niyang lamunin siya ng kadiliman ng silid. Nahiga siya sa kama at matagal na tumitig sa kisame habang naririnig niya ang pakikipag-usap ni Lloyd sa dati nitong kasintahan.

Mahal mo pa rin siya, muli, ang kanyang journal na naman ang napagbuntungan ni Alex. Kahit ano pa ang sabihin mo sa akin na salungat sa pangungusap na iyon ay di kita paniniwalaan. Nakita ko kahapon kung paano ka naapektuhan ng kanyang mga tawag at mga desisyon. Maaaring nasasabi ko ito sa punto ko bilang nagmamahal sa iyo pero natanggap ko na nga sa aking sarili kahit na masakit na hanggang magkaibigan lang talaga tayo na siya mong sinabi sa kanyang sitwasyon natin sa telepono. Oo, talagang nasasaktan ako pero hindi bida sa araw na ito ang aking nararamdaman, at gusto ko namang ipaalam ang aking one-cent worth of advise sa nangyayari sa inyo.

Tumigil si Alex sa pagtipa sa kanyang laptop at kinusot ang mata.

Sana nga matapos na itong nangyayari sa inyong dalawa, pagpapatuloy ni Alex. Panahon na para kumprontahin ninyo ang inyong mga sarili. Sige, hindi ko masasabi sa kanya yun dahil di ko naman siya kilala pa. Pero ikaw, sa palagay ko naman ay kilala na kita. Hindi pa man ganoon kalalim ngunit sa magtatatlong buwan na nating pagiging magkaibigan, nababasa ko na rin ang ilan sa iyong katangian at kagustuhan. At uulitin ko, mahal mo pa siya.

Nasabi ko ito dahil hindi mo pa rin mabitawan ang galit mo sa mga nangyari sa inyo. Alam ko dahil nangyari na sa akin na maaaring ibang sitwasyon ngunit halos parehong mga emosyon ang kasali. Nahihirapan ka ngang bitawan ang mga alaala niya. At habang di mo nagagawa yun, mananatili kang nakakulong sa kanyang anino. Hindi ko alam kung paano mo siya tuluyang bibitiwan pero hindi na siguro kailangang mag-usap pa kayo at sumbatan siya sa mga nangyari at hingan ng mga paliwanag. Kailangan lang kausapin mo ang iyong sarili na wala ka nang magagawa pa, hindi mo kasalanan ang lahat at pinapatawad mo na siya. Kung paano mo ito gagawin ay ikaw na ang magdedesisyon. Huwag mo lang idahilan sa akin na wala kang panahon. Kailangan mo nang gawin ito para mapanatag ang kalooban mo at magkaroon ka ng bagong kabanata sa iyong buhay-pag-ibig. Na alam ko naman na maaaring hindi talaga sa akin kundi kung kaninong iba pa.

Isinara ni Alex ang laptop pagkatapos. Nagdalawang-isip siya kung dapat pa niyang ipadala ang kanyang mga bagong sulat sa journal niya kay Lloyd. Nag-alala siya na labis na mabigat ang mga nilalaman nito na posibleng ikagalit ni Lloyd.

Nagpasya siyang huwag munang ipadala ang kanyang mga sulat. Noong gabing iyon ay nagbihis si Alex at nagdesisyong matulog sa bahay ni Lloyd. Tulog na ito nang dumating siya. Ginamit niya ang nahiram niyang susi. Nagpalit siya ng damit pantulog at tumabi kay Lloyd. Kinabukasan ay kasal ng kaibigan niyang si Marie.

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“Saan tayo ngayon?” tanong ni Danny kay Alex nang nakababa sila ng FX.

“Uuwi na,” sagot kaagad ni Alex bilang pag-iwas sa ibig tukuyin ni Danny. Ayaw na niyang ulitin ang ginawa niya dati kay Danny. Pumayag siyang maging kasintahan nito noon kahit alam niyang si Sherwin ang kanyang mahal. Alam niyang hindi kaylanman magiging sapat ang pagmamahal niya kay Danny dahil si Lloyd naman ang sinisigaw ng kanyang puso sa panahong iyon. Ayaw niyang maging unfair dito. Kailangan muna niyang asikasuhin ang kalagayan nila ni Lloyd bago siya muling makipagkita kay Danny. Kailangan munang tapusin niya ang kanyang bangungot. Dapat na siyang magising. Dapat na siyang tumigil sa pagtulay sa alambre, magdesisyong tumalon na sa hangin, at gamiting muli ang kanyang mga pakpak sa pagbalik sa banging pinagmulan, may mga bulalakaw man o wala sa kadiliman. O dili kaya ay bumalik sa pananampalatayang matagal na niyang tinalikuran.

“Pa’no?“ tanong muli ni Danny.

“Sige na,“ ngiti ni Alex. “Umuwi ka na. Gabi na eh.“ Hindi na niya dinagdag na hahanapin na ito ng asawa. Alam niyang hindi masaya si Danny sa babaing pinakasalan. Hindi nito mahal ang napangasawa. Ngunit alam din niyang hindi dahil sa siya ang mahal nito kaya nasabi ni Danny na sila pa rin ang dapat na magkasintahan. Katulad niya, nilalamon rin si Danny ng kalungkutang dulot ng paghahanap sa tunay na pagmamahal.

“Ikaw?” hindi inalis ni Danny ang titig kay Alex.

“Uuwi na rin ako,” umiwas si Alex ng tingin. “Salamat sa pagsama mo sa akin. Ginulat mo naman ako sa tanong mo kanina. Pag-usapan na lang natin sa susunod kung ano man ang dapat mangyari sa ating dalawa. Okey lang ba?”

“Huwag mo nang bigyan ng pansin ang sinabi ko,” napangiti si Danny. “Yun na lang yun. O, pa’no, sakay na ako dito.”

“Magtawagan na lang tayo,” pamamaalam ni Alex. “Mag-ingat ka.”

Hinawakan ni Danny ang kamay ni Alex. Hindi pa rin naalis ang ngiti nito. Matagal silang nagtitigan nang walang sinasabi. Bumitaw si Alex. “Nandiyan na ang bus mo. I’ll call you.“

Sumakay ng bus si Danny nang walang lingun-lingon. Hindi tuminag sa pagkakatayo si Alex ng ilang minuto habang nagpapaalam sa hangin. Kailangan na nga niya munang magising. At hindi kailangang si Danny ang naroon sa kanyang pagkagising.

Umakyat si Alex sa overpass ng Guadalupe at muling tumingin sa dakong pinaglahuan ng bus na sinakyan ni Danny. Ramdam ni Alex na maraming buwan muna ang lilipas bago sila magkikitang muli ni Danny.

Umuwi si Alex sa bahay nila sa Bicutan ng gabing iyon. Hindi na niya tinawagan si Lloyd na hindi siya matutulog sa bahay nito. Alam niyang hindi na kailangan.

Binuksan niya ang kanyang journal na nakatago sa kanyang laptop at muling nagsulat. Napag-isip-isip ko na kailangang magpahinga muna ako sa pakikipagkita sa iyo, dugtong ni Alex sa naputol niyang sulat para kay Lloyd ng nakaraang gabi. Gusto ko nang malaman sa aking sarili kung tama nga ang nararamdaman ko sa ‘yo. Kailangan ko ito para sa kapayapaan ko.

Kulang pa pala ang lakas ko para kumapit sa pag-ibig ko sa iyo. Mas mahal ko pa nga siguro ang aking sarili. Mas gusto ko pa rin sigurong mapanatili ang dignidad ko kaysa makipaglaban na parang wala na akong ibang kasiyahang mararanasan kung hindi rin lang ikaw ang kasama ko. Alam kong somewhere out there ay naroon siya. Ang taong para sa akin talaga. Sana makayanan ko ang mga panibagong hirap sa paghahanap ko sa kanya, kung sino man siya.

Tumayo si Alex nang natapos ang pagsusulat. Binuksan ang bintana ng kanyang kuwarto at sumilip sa dilim ng kalsada. Naghikab siya.

Anong klase ba talagang kaligayahan ang hanap ko? pagtatanong ni Alex sa sarili. Tama ba ang sitwasyong hinahanapan ko ng aking kaligayahan?

Naalala niya ang sinabi niya kay Danny na pagdedesisyung suwayin na nang tuluyan ang kanyang ama at pumasok na ng seminaryo. Ano kaya kung gawin na niya? Panahon na para harapin niya ang kanyang ama. Napailing si Alex. Hindi. Hindi niya dapat gawing kanlungan sa kanyang pagtakas sa kalungkutan ang simbahan. Marami pang ibang pagkakataon. Isa pa, marami na siyang nagawang kamalian. Matatanggap pa ba ng Diyos ang masalimuot niyang nakaraan?

Napabuntung-hininga si Alex. Hindi na niya kayang labanan ang antok na nararamdaman. Gusto nang pumikit ng kanyang mga mata. Gusto nang mahiga, muling matulog nang pagod na niyang katawan. Sige, napag-desisyunan niya, kung sakaling hindi pa niya mahahanap ang isang lalaking makakatuwang niya sa hinahanap niyang kaligayahan bago matapos ang 1999, itutuloy na niya ang matagal na niyang kagustuhang maglingkod sa Diyos. Hindi na nga siya bata at kailangan na niyang magdesisyun pumayag man o hindi ang kanyang ama. Kailangan na niyang magapi ang mga bangungot na dulot ng kanyang pagkagising. Kailangan na niyang harapin ang ano mang dala ng kanyang mga pangarap sa gabing iyon. Kahit sa gabing iyon lang muna. Bahala na ang Diyos sa mga susunod pa.

Nakapikit na ang mga mata ni Alex nang biglang tumunog ang cellphone niya. Nabanaag niya ang pangalan ni Lloyd sa screen ng cellphone.

"H-hello," inaantok niyang sagot.

"Alex, si Lloyd ito," umiiyak si Lloyd. "Asan ka? Puntahan mo ako. I need you."

(Itutuloy)

Dreams

2009-08-28T13:40:00.007+08:00

Enero sa Panaginip (Pangalawang Bahagi)

Noong nasa ibang bayan ka, di ko pa alam ang nais mo, pagtatapat ni Alex sa kanyang journal pagkatapos nang muli nilang pagkikita ni Lloyd. Ngunit ngayon alam ko na. Sa iyong pagtatanggol sa mga kagustuhan mo para sa iyong sarili, natanggap ko nang ako ay sadyang isa lang tagalupang sumasaya sa panandaliang pagkislap ng madilim na langit dahil sa iyong mga bulalakaw.

Sa payo ni Vince, isa sa mga matalik niyang kaibigan, sinimulan ni Alex ang pagsusulat ng isa na namang journal sa araw ng pag-alis ni Lloyd patungong Hong Kong. Ang una niyang journal ay tungkol sa pagsusumamo niya ilang taon na ang nakakaraan kay Sherwin.

“Para may maipakita ka sa kanya pagbalik niya or better yet, i-email mo sa kanya,” pangungumbinsi ni Vince sa isa nitong long distance call mula sa Texas. “Lloyd might be impressed by something like that.”

Dahil sa kagustuhang makuha ang loob ni Lloyd, ginawa ni Alex ang pagsasa-journal ng kanyang nararamdaman sa bawat araw ng pagtubo ng pagkakagusto niya dito. Ipinapadala niya kay Lloyd sa pamamagitan ng email ang bawat naisulat niya.

Mahirap mang tanggapin iyon, patuloy na pagsulat ni Alex, gaano man kasakit, wala na akong dapat ipagmaktol o ikainis dahil dalawa lang naman talaga ang maaaring sagot sa aking paghihintay. Una, ang ako ay lubusang maging masaya dahil napunan ang aking mga pangungulila nang bumalik ang hinihintay, o pangalawa, ang ako ay mananatili sa aking paghihintay, hindi sa iyo na dumating na at unti-unti pa ring nagpapakilala, kundi sa isang bagong taong susulpot mula na naman sa kung saan. Sa ibang salita, babalik ako sa paghahanap.

Ano man ang dahilan sa hindi tuluyang pagkakasundo ng mga puso, ito man ay dahil gusto muna ng aking hinintay na maging magkaibigan kami, na magkakilala nang lubusan, na maaaring may nangyayari na sa amin sa pagitan ng kumot at kobrekama o wala man, ay isa lamang yugto ng paghihintay at hindi ito ang tunay na kasagutan.

Katulad ng nangyayari sa atin. Hindi mo pa alam kung ano ang gusto mo. Kung ako na nga ba ang dapat mong ipalit sa mga alaala ng mga naging ka-relasyon mo. Kung gusto mo pa rin bang kasama ako. Ewan ko kung sa kadahilanang natutuwa ka at meron na namang isang taong hindi natatakot na ilabas ang nararamdaman sa iyo, o dahil paminsan-minsan, malamig matulog nang mag-isa sa gabi, kaya gusto mo pa ring hawakan ang aking mga kamay, halikan ang aking mga labi, hagurin ang aking likod kahit na hindi mo pa nga alam ang gusto mo.

Ayoko nang sagutin ang mga haka-haka ko kung bakit tila maikli sa akin ang higit sa kalahating araw nating pagsasama mula Mrs. Fields hanggang Saving Private Ryan na natuloy sa ACE Hardware, sa SM Bowling Center, sa Gerry’s Grill, hanggang sa bahay ninyo. Kung bakit marami pa rin akong tanong nang umalis ako ng bahay ninyo kaninang umaga. Kung bakit sa aking pakiramdam ay maling-mali ang aking nagawa sa insidenteng iyon habang tayo’y nagniniig. Kung bakit di ka na umimik pagkatapos. Kung bakit halos hindi na ako nakatulog. Kung bakit pinag-iisip ako ng nakalukot mong mukha habang ikaw ay natutulog. Kung bakit…

Heto na naman nga ako at wala na namang magawang trabaho.

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Nahulog nang tuluyan ang loob ni Alex kay Lloyd. Ang pagtatalik nila ay nasundan ng hindi lang dalawa o tatlo, kundi maraming pang beses. Sa una, naipangako ni Alex sa sarili na tatanungin niya si Lloyd kung anong relasyon meron sila pagkatapos ng ikasampu nilang pagniniig. Subalit lumampas na ang bilang ni Alex sa labing-isang sari-saring istilo ng kanilang pagtatalik, hindi pa rin niya nasabi ang kanyang naramdamang mga agam-agam kay Lloyd. Kaya naman kapag tinatanong siya ng kanyang mga kaibigan, kadalasan hindi niya inaamin kung nasaan siya sa mga gabi ng Disyembre at kung sino ang kasama niya.

Sa kawalan ng matibay na moog na magpapatunay na sina Alex at Lloyd nga ay nagkikita at nagtatalik, marami pa ring nagpahiwatig kay Lloyd ng pagkagusto dito. Walang nagawa si Alex. Tiniis niya ang sakit na dulot ng kawalan ng tiwala sa sarili, kay Lloyd, at sa kanilang pagiging magkaibigan. Hindi iilang beses ding naisip ni Alex na tigilan na ang mga ginagawa niya subalit ilang ulit man niyang pigilan ang sariling tawagan si Lloyd, pagkaraan ng ilang saglit ay hawak na naman niya ang telepono at nakikipagpalitan na naman ng mga matatamis na salita dito.

Nagtataasan na lang ng kilay ang mga kaibigan niya kapag nakakausap siya.

“Kayo na ba ni Lloyd?” tanong ni Orlan, matalik nilang kaibigan ni Vince mula pang pagkabata. Umiling si Alex. Nasa bahay nina Alex ang dalawa at kinakalikot ang stereo component ni Alex para paulit-ulit na pakantahin si Anggun na siyang gustung-gustong pakinggan ni Orlan.

“Eh ano kayo? Magkaibigan pa rin?” inis na komento ni Orlan. “Do na nga kayo ng do eh magkaibigan pa rin kayo.”

Hindi kaagad sumagot si Alex. Sa lahat ng mga kaibigan niya, kay Orlan niya nasasabi lahat ng mga pangyayaring sekswal sa kanya. Alam ni Orlan kung ilang beses na nilang ginawa at kung ano na ang ginawa nila ni Lloyd. Wala siyang natagpuang mga salita para ipagtanggol ang kanyang nararamdaman kay Lloyd.

Matagal silang natahimik habang kinakanta ni Anggun kung ano ang lagay ng yelo sa Sahara.

“Mahal ko na siguro si Lloyd,” pag-amin ni Alex kay Orlan. “Mahal ko na nga siya.” Sumandal sa dingding si Alex, itinaas ang kanyang mga paa sa kama at hinayaang yakapin ng dalawa niyang kamay ang kanyang mga binti. Inilapat niya ang kanyang baba sa kanyang mga tuhod.

“Nasabi mo na ba yan sa kanya?” tanong ni Orlan. Tumango si Alex. Kinuwento niya ang nangyari nang gabing sinabi niya kay Lloyd na nahuhulog na siya dito. Galing sila ni Lloyd sa Jefz Café sa Malate noong gabing iyon. Iyon ay pangatlong araw na mula nang bumalik sila galing sa bahay ng mga magulang ni Lloyd kung saan sabay nilang kinatagpo ang pagdating ng isa sa maiingay ngunit pinakamalungkot na bagong taon ni Alex.

Nakayakap si Alex kay Lloyd sa kama nang sinabi niyang nahuhulog na ang loob niya dito. Hindi kaagad sumagot si Lloyd. Tumayo ito at tinungo ang banyo. Nakatitig si Alex sa kisame nang bumalik sa kuwarto si Lloyd. Sa pag-iwas ng tingin nito sa kanya habang papalapit sa kama, alam na ni Alex kung ano ang sasabihin nito.

“Hindi pa ako handa Alex,” sagot ni Lloyd sa pagbukas ni Alex sa nararamdaman niya para dito. Para siyang tinusok ng ilang libong karayom sa buo niyang katawan. Tila hindi na siya makagalaw. “Sa mga panahong ito, nami-miss ko ang aking pag-iisa,” patuloy na paliwanag ni Lloyd. “Mas masaya ako kung walang kasama.”

Parang ipu-ipong dumaan sa balintataw ni Alex ang mga nagawa na nila ni Lloyd. Naramdaman niya ang paglaho ng isang napakagandang pakiramdam na alam niyang hindi na babalik pa. Biglang naging hungkag ang hanging nahugot niya sa kawalan. Hindi niya napigilan ang pagpatak ng kanyang luha.

Inalo ni Lloyd si Alex, “I’ll still be here. I won’t leave you.”

Sa gitna ng mga hikbi, tinanong ni Alex kung paano magkakatugma ang binanggit ni Lloyd na naroroon pa rin ito para sa kanya samantalang gusto nitong mapag-isa.

Hindi na matandaan ni Alex kung ano ang sagot ni Lloyd sa kanyang tanong. Alam niyang nagpaliwanag ito subalit ang paliwanag na yun ay nabura ng alaalang niyaya siya nitong magtalik pagkatapos humupa ang pagpatak ng kanyang mga luha.

Nang sumunod na umaga ay parang walang nangyaring unos sa relasyon nilang dalawa. Subalit alam ni Alex na para na siyang naglalakad sa alambre mula noon, naghihintay kung kaylan iihip ang hangin upang ihulog siya pabulusok sa isang napakalalim na bangin. At sa tingin ni Alex, ang pagtatalik na iyon ang pinakamasarap na naganap sa kanilang dalawa. Ang pagtatalik na simula ng pamamaalam ni Lloyd sa kanya.

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“Officemate mo ba yung kaibigan mo?” tanong bigla ni Danny kay Alex nang pababa na sila ng taxi. Nasa harap na sila ng simbahan.

Sandaling pinagmasdan ni Alex ang simbahan mula sa kalsada. Naalala niyang bigla ang kanyang ama.

”Alex?” siniko siya ni Danny. ”Okey ka lang?”

Tila naalimpungatan na tumingin si Alex kay Danny. ”Hah? Bakit?”

”Tinatanong lang kita kung officemate mo ba yung kaibigan mo eh natulala ka na,” paghingi ng paliwanag ni Danny.

“H-hindi,” sagot ni Alex na nagtataka sa mga tanong ni Danny. ”Alam mo namang di ako out sa opisina.”

”Bading rin ba?” tuloy ang pagtatanong ni Danny.

Tumango siya. Nag-umpisang maglalakad. “Alam mo, ang dami mong tanong? Gutom lang yan. Breakfast muna kaya tayo sa Shopping? Tutal, wala pa naman ang mga ikakasal.”

Habang nag-aalmusal sina Alex at Danny, pilit na iwinawaksi ni Alex sa isip niya ang larawan ng kanyang ama at ng simbahan. “Kumusta ka na? tanong bigla ni Danny. Mukhang malalim ang iyong iniisip."

Ngumiti si Alex, “Kanina ka pa Danny. Ano ba talaga ang gusto mong mangyari?”

Napangiti na rin si Danny habang napailing naman si Alex.

“Bakit parang ang lungkot-lungkot mo?” tanong ni Danny kay Alex. Gabi na. Pauwi na sila sakay ng isang FX patungong Guadalupe. Tapos na ang kasal. Tapos na rin ang pagtipon-tipon nilang magbabarkada sa Pembo. Tatlo lang silang lulan ng sasakyan kasama na ang driver.

Ngumiti nang pilit si Alex at sinagot si Danny ng sa tingin niya ay nararapat lang sa mga tanong nito. “Dahil wala pa rin akong boyfriend Danny. Dahil hanggang ngayon, hinahanap ko pa rin ang bagay na makakapagpasaya sa akin.” Naisip bigla ni Alex ang rosaryong nakapulupot sa mga kamay niya sa kanyang panaginip noong umagang iyon. “Magpari na lang kaya ako Danny? Pakiramdam ko, sa piling ng Diyos lang talaga ako liligaya. Hindi dito sa makamundong hangarin ko.”

Natawa si Danny. “Hindi ka bagay sa simbahan. Alam mo na iyon mula nang natanggap mo kung ano ka. Alam mong lalo ka lang magkakasala sa loob. Huwag mong gawing takbuhan ang Diyos dahil desperado kang makahanap ng relasyon."

Napatitig si Alex kay Danny.

"At saka, narito naman ako para sa iyo Alex. Boyfriend mo pa naman ako hanggang ngayon, di ba? Hindi ko maalalang nag-break tayo. Baka sa akin ka nga talaga sasaya. Ang dami mo lang naman dini-date na iba ngayon kaya hindi ko pinagsisiksikan ang sarili ko.”

Nagulat si Alex sa sinabi ni Danny. Hindi siya sumagot agad. Gusto niyang matawa, matuwa, maiyak, magwala. Oo nga naman, narito si Danny, buhay na buhay na nasa tabi niya, bakit ba niya hahanapin sa Diyos ang kaligayahan niya?

Ngunit alam niyang may sagot sa kanyang katanungan. Isang sagot na kahit na ano pa man ang sabihin niya na taliwas dito ay masakit pa ring sagot. ”May asawa ka na,” dahan-dahan niyang sinabi kay Danny.

Hindi nakaimik si Danny. Matagal silang nabalot ng katahimikan. Pinigil ni Alex na gumalaw ang kanyang mga kamay. Sa kabuuan ng biyahe ay itinago na niya ang mga ito sa ilalim ng kanyang mga pige. Ikinulong. Hindi niya hinayaang magkaroon siya ng pagkakataon na hawakan si Danny at muling angkinin.

Tuloy ang takbo ng FX.

(katapusan ng pangalawang bahagi)

Dreams

2009-08-27T15:31:00.016+08:00

Enero sa Panaginip (Unang Bahagi)

Pinukaw ng tili ng alarm clock ang dilim ng silid. Kasal ng isang kaibigan ni Alex sa Parish of the Holy Sacrifice sa University of the Philippines sa araw na iyon kaya sa apartment ni Lloyd siya nakitulog. Magkatabi sa may katamtamang-laking kama ang dalawa. Magkadikit ang mga likod. Nakaharap sa maliit na mesang katabi ng kama si Alex samantalang halos halikan na ni Lloyd ang dingding.

Kung ang mukha ni Alex habang natutulog ay balisa, nababanaag naman sa bilugang mukha ni Lloyd ang kawalan ng katahimikan. Kung mapagmamasdan lang ng dalawa ang kanilang mga sarili habang natutulog, maiintindihan nila kung ano ang ugat ng mga bangungot na dumadayo sa kanila hanggang sa paggising.

Tumatakbo nang mabilis si Alex sa kanyang panaginip. Takot siya na maabutan ng babaing humahabol sa kanya. Sumisigaw ang babae, “Mamatay-tao! Kriminal!”

Madawag ang gubat na tinatakbuhan ni Alex. Madilim. Maputik. Hindi niya alam kung bakit siya nasa gubat pero kailangan niyang matakasan ang babae.

Nang biglang nadapa si Alex. Nasubsob siya sa putikan. Pinilit niyang bumangon ngunit hindi na siya nakagalaw. Palapit na ang babae. ”Hindi,” sigaw ni Alex, tigilan mo ako. ”Wala akong kasalanan sa iyo!”

Tumigil ang babaeng humahabol. Pumulot ng putik at binato si Alex. Kriminal ka! ”Pinatay mo ang kapatid ko! Hayup!”

”Hindi ko alam ang sinasabi mo,” sagot ni Alex habang tinatakpan ng mga kamay ang mukha.

Hindi tumigil ang babae sa pagbato ng putik sa kanya. Naramdaman ni Alex ang baril sa kanyang kanang kamay. Agad niyang itinutok ito sa babae. Ngunit naging lalaki na ang babae. Isang lalaking walang mukha na naka-abito. Kinalabit ni Alex ang baril.

Dahan-dahang tumalikod si Lloyd para abutin ng kaliwang kamay ang alarm clock. Pinatay niya ang nakakarinding ingay nito.

Niyugyog ni Lloyd ang natutulog pang si Alex, “Wake up. Six na.”

Nagtaka sa biglang pagsabog ng liwanag ang mga mata ni Alex. Matagal na tumitig ang mga ito sa dingding.

“I just had a bad dream,” maya-maya ay nawika ni Alex. Nais niya sanang sabihin kay Lloyd na muli, ang babaeng humahabol sa kanya ang kanyang napanaginipan.

“I’m going to be late,” parang hindi siya narinig ni Lloyd. “I’m taking a bath.”

Tahimik na tinanggap ni Alex ang pagbalewala ni Lloyd sa sinabi niya. “Sandali lang,” nilagyan niya ng konting lambing ang bulong habang nag-umpisang gumapang ang kanyang kanang kamay sa tiyan ni Lloyd, pababa sa puson. “Puwede ka bang yakapin sandali?”

Dinilaan ni Alex ang tenga ni Lloyd. Sinipsip. “Hey, stop it,” awat ni Lloyd, “I have meetings to attend to. Ano ba?”

“And mine’s a wedding,” bumaba na ang dila ni Alex sa leeg ni Lloyd, patungo sa dibdib hanggang sa kaliwang utong nito. “But this is better than weddings.”

Patuloy ang paglalakbay ng dila ni Alex pababa. Binasa niya ng laway ang pusod ng tila wala nang angal na si Lloyd. Hinigop para alisin ang singaw ng init na namumuo sa kalamnan nito. Binaba niya ang underwear ni Lloyd hanggang tuhod at itinuloy ang paglakbay ng kanyang dila sa lugar kung saan naglalaro ang kanyang kanang kamay. Pinaligiran ng halik ni Alex ang nilalaro ng kanyang kamay. Dinilaan. Nilasap ang samyo ng isang buong gabing pagtatago. At dahan-dahan niyang pinasok ang bahaging iyon ni Lloyd sa kanyang bibig. Hanggang sa pinakarurok.

Nabigla si Alex nang biglang iginalaw ni Lloyd ang puwitan nito, palayo sa kanyang nakadikit na mukha. “Tama na,” wika ni Lloyd habang itinataas ang underwear, “maliligo na ako.”

Tumayo si Lloyd at lumabas ng kuwarto. Naiwang nakahiga si Alex. Nakapikit na nakatakip sa bibig ang dalawang kamay habang pilit na binablangko ang isip.

Sa dilim ng kanyang nakapikit na mga mata, muli niyang nabanaag ang babaing humahabol sa kanya. Tawa ito ng tawa habang nanatiling nakalugmok siya sa putikan na hawak-hawak ang isang baril na napupuluputan ng malalaking beda ng rosaryo. Naiiyak na siya habang patuloy ang pagtuya ng babae sa panaginip sa kanya.

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Ang Enero, na unang buwan sa sinasabi ng karamihan na huling taon ng pangalawang milenyo, ay pinuno ang bawat gabi ni Alex ng sari-saring panaginip. Hindi niya alam kung bakit naghahalo ang mga ilusyon at katotohanan sa bawat pagpikit niya ng kanyang mga mata. Ngunit ang buwang nagsimula sa isang hungkag na selebrasyon sa pagdating ang bagong taon ay hindi naging simbolo ng pagpapatuloy kundi naging mitsa ng isang pagtatapos.

Si Alex ay isang mananaliksik na nasa kanyang late 20s pero napagkakamalang limang taon na mas bata sa kanyang tamang edad. Pangatlo siya sa apat na magkakapatid at nag-iisang anak na lalaki. Isang magaling na manlalako ng kung anu-anong produkto ang kanyang ina at isa namang part-time guro ang kanyang ama sa isang pribadong paaralang pang-sekondarya na sa mga mapayapang gabi ay nangingisda sa malawak na karagatan ng kanilang maliit na bayan sa Bikol.

Parehong mga anak ng mangingisda ang kanyang mga magulang. Pinag-aral ng kanyang mga lolo at lola at ng ibang kamag-anakan nila para makaahon sa kahirapan. Subalit nang malapit nang makatapos sa kursong Edukasyon ang kanyang ina ay sumamang magtanan ito sa kanyang ama na noong panahong iyon ay isa na lang sanang taon ang ilalagi sa seminaryo para maging deakono. Ang pangyayaring ito ang nagmistulang malakas na hangin na bumuway sa walang katatagang relasyon nilang mag-anak na hanggang sa Enerong iyon ay pinipilit pa ring takasan ni Alex.

Kadalasan, tinatakbuhan ni Alex ang kanyang mga problema katulad ng ginagawa niyang pagtakas na kumprontahin ang lumalawak na giwang sa relasyon niya sa kanyang ama. Bata pa ay napalayo na sa mga magulang si Alex dahil sa isang scholarship na nakuha niya para makapag-aral sa Philippine Science High School. Mas gusto niya sanang mag-sekondarya sa seminaryo sa kanilang probinsiya ngunit hindi siya pinayagan ng kanyang ama dahil mas mapapabuti raw siya kung mag-aaral siya sa prestihiyosong paaralan ng mga iskolar kung saan siya nakapagtapos ng sekondarya. Ngunit ibang rason ang nakatatak sa kanyang isip hanggang sa kanyang paglaki, ito ay ang hiya at takot na nararamdaman ng ama kapag nababanggit niya noon ang kanyang kagustuhang magpari. Hiya, dahil sa ginawa nitong desisyong mag-asawa, at takot, dahil baka ulitin niya ang ginawa nito at ng kanyang ina.

Hindi kayang ipaliwanag ni Alex sa kanyang ama na hindi niya uulitin ang ginawa nito. Iba ang pakiramdam niya sa kanyang sarili. Iba ang hinahanap ng kanyang katawan na gusto sana niyang talikuran sa tulong ng simbahan.

Ngunit dahil sa pagpipilit ng kanyang ama na ilayo siya sa simbahan, tuluyan niyang niyakap ang katotohanan sa kanyang pagkatao. Ang katotohanang hindi niya maiwanan maging sa kanyang mga panaginip.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Nasa loob ng isang madawag na gubat si Alex. Kakaiba ang gubat na iyon dahil sa kawalan ng ingay, kaluskos, o bulong. Naglalakad siyang nakadamit-abito at may bitbit na maliit na maleta.

Tuloy-tuloy siya sa dulo ng gubat. Hindi niya tinitingnan ang kanyang paligid. Isa lang ang kanyang iniisip. Ang kanyang misyon.

Natanaw ni Alex ang isang bahay nang nakalabas siya ng gubat. Hindi malinaw sa panaginip kung kanino ang bahay o kung ano ang anyo nito. Ang naalala ni Alex nang nagising na siya ay ang pagtigil niya sa tapat ng pinto ng bahay, pagbukas niya sa dala niyang maleta, pagtapon niya ng tatlong granadang hugis-krus sa bahay, ang pagsabog ng bahay, ang pagkasunog nito, at ang malakas na malakas niyang tawa.

Nasa sala ng apartment ni Lloyd silang dalawa, unang linggo ng Enero, nang sinubukan ni Alex na ikuwento kay Lloyd ang kanyang panaginip. Nagkakape habang hinihintay ang pagdating ng mga estudyanteng magkokunsulta kay Lloyd. Ngunit katulad ng dati, binalewala siya nito.

Hindi na siya nagpumilit. Tiningnan niya na lang si Lloyd sa pagbabasa nito ng libro.

Si Lloyd ay lampas trenta na nang nagkakilala sila ni Alex sa isang workshop para sa mga lalaking nakikipagtalik sa kapwa lalaki o MSM, na tungkol sa sexuality at HIV ng The Library Foundation noong Nobyembre ng nakaraang taon. Bunso ito sa dalawang magkapatid. Ang kapatid na babae ni Lloyd ay nasa Europa. Hindi alam ng pamilya niya na si Lloyd ay isang bakla. At hanggang sa Enerong iyon, nanatili pa ring balakid ang pamilya (bilang nag-iisang anak na lalaki), relihiyon (bilang debotong Protestante), trabaho (bilang guro ng Art Studies sa UST), at dating pag-ibig (isang taon nang naghiwalay sina Lloyd at Bernie, ang kasintahan nitong doktor ngunit di pa ito makalimutan ni Lloyd) sa pagiging bakla nito. At ang lahat ng ito ang nilabanan ni Alex noon para mahalin din siya ni Lloyd mula nang naging magkaibigan sila sa workshop na iyon.

Tuluyan nang nagising si Alex sa biglang pagtunog ng kanyang pager. Tapos nang maligo si Lloyd. Si Danny, naisip niya kaagad, six a.m. nga pala kami dapat na magkita sa Farmer’s. Tiyak naghihintay na yun.

Sumabay si Alex kay Lloyd sa paglabas ng apartment. May dadaanan pang kapwa guro si Lloyd sa bandang New York sa Cubao kaya nagawang makisakay ni Alex sa kotse nito hanggang sa kanto ng Kamuning at Edsa. Mula sa bahay ni Lloyd hanggang sa Edsa ay walang imikan ang dalawa. Kapwa nababalutan ng pansariling mga alalahanin ang pag-iisip. ”Will I see you tonight?” tanong ni Alex sa wakas kay Lloyd bago bumaba ng kotse.

”Ikaw,” sagot ni Lloyd nang hindi man lang tumingin sa kanya. ”I might go home late. I still have to go to UP after my meeting at the National Museum. I'll page you if I'll be home early.”

”OK,” ngumiti na lang si Alex. Whatever, bulong niya sa sarili nang umalis ang kotse ni Lloyd.

Pumara siya ng taxi at sinundo si Danny sa Farmers.

”Kanina ka pa ba?” tanong ni Alex kay Danny nang nasa loob na sila ng taxi.

Tumango si Danny. ”Maaga kasi akong nagising eh."

"Galing ka pa ba ng Bicutan?” tanong naman ni Danny sa kanya.

”Hindi,” sagot ni Alex. ”Sa bahay ng isang kaibigan ako natulog. Diyan sa may Quezon Av.”

“Boyfriend mo?” may halong panunukso ang tanong ni Danny.

“Hindi, kaibigan ko lang yun,” tinitigan ni Alex si Danny. ”Kaibigan lang talaga,” dagdag niya nang kumunot ang noo ni Danny.

”Let’s be friends and get to know each other first,” si Lloyd noong kalagitnaan ng Nobyembre ng nakaraang taon, kausap si Alex sa Mrs. Fields sa Megamall na maraming beses nilang naging tagpuan sa sumunod na dalawang buwan. Kararating lang ni Lloyd galing Hong Kong kung saan dumalo ito sa isang kumperensiya. ”I don’t think I’m ready for a new relationship. If you’re willing to wait, okey lang. Malay natin in the end, tayo nga ang magkakatuluyan.”

Tumango lang si Alex at ngumiti. Pinilit niyang ilarawan ng kanyang mukha ang pagbabalewala sa sinabi ni Lloyd na inakala niyang gustong makita nito sa kanya. (Hinintay kita ng dalawang linggo. Araw-araw habang nasa Hong Kong ka ay iniisip kita. Para na akong gagong nagsusulat ng kung anu-ano sa journal ko tapos eto lang ang sasabihin mo? na hindi ka ready? Putang ina ka Lloyd! Maghanap ka ng kausap.)

Ngunit hindi bumukas ang bibig ni Alex. Tahimik lang siyang nakangiti. Nakalarawan sa mga mata niya ang sayang gusto niyang ipakita.

“I want to watch a movie tonight,” sabi ni Lloyd kay Alex nang naglalakad na sila sa pasilyo ng mall. “Would you like to join me?”

“Sure,” pag-ayon ni Alex sabay sa paglipad ng kanyang isip sa kung saan. Wala, pag-amin niya sa sarili, wala na siyang magagawa pa. Tapos na ang kanyang paghihintay. At ang resulta ay ang pagbabalik niya sa paghahanap.

(katapusan ng unang bahagi)

Lost in emotion

2009-08-24T12:06:00.011+08:00

I lost my SE mobile phone with my Smart number yesterday afternoon. Someone came into my room while I was sleeping and just took it. When I asked him how did he steal the phone through text, he answered in Filipino that he was one of the guys "na chinuchupa mo". That graphic. I told myself that I haven’t been 'sleeping' with someone lately so who could it really be?

He was pure and simple a thief who came inside the shop when no one was in. Vicky is in Sorsogon for two weeks now and Bighani and Thony who are staying with me, left me sleeping all alone with the doors unlocked.

I am not into blaming anyone for its loss. It was my fault. I was careless. As the thief said in another text, “Ang tanga mo eh. Pasalamat ka di ko nilimas ang gamit mo.”

What I am missing were the pictures that I have taken of Yuan and myself. Those snippets of time were gone and would not be recovered anymore. I am missing the naughty smile he had put on in the phone’s wallpaper.

I have been seeing Yuan lately. Since Vicky left, I have been entertaining him and his friends in the shop. A week ago, we have agreed that we are an item.

Nothing has happened between us yet though we have slept together last Thursday night. We just hugged each other to sleep. Kristi is continuously protesting the situation when he learned about it, "Utang na loob, tigilan na yan! Ka-cheapan 'no!"

I do not listen to Kristi anymore. He can't even handle his own drama. Plus he also salivates over Yuan.

But now that the phone is gone, I am contemplating that I have to break whatever is between us. He is in love with another person, a girl of course, whose father is against him. It is the story of my life all over again.

I like him. I miss him while I’m in the office. I am missing him that is why I am writing this. Last Saturday, I went home from Serendra just to see him at one past midnight. He sent a text message and I ran home.

He was a comfort last night when I lost my phone. He stayed till one am. He did not sleep over because he has a class today.

At the same time, Bighani was aghast of what he witnessed last night. I let Yuan used my Globe phone to call his girl.

Later when Yuan left, Bighani and I discussed my relationship with Yuan. I was planning of ending it with Yuan. Bighani told me that it was up to me in Filipino, "Remember, there are a lot of other fishes in the sea."

This morning, Bishop has finally answered my text to him about my missing phone, “Mawala na lahat, wag lang ikaw.”

A flower story

2009-08-20T15:51:00.002+08:00

see your darkness move
behind the pale curtains
in your hidden cove
taste the roundness
of the smoke on his tongue
in your burned lips
hear your soul breathe
as down you slowly slip
to heaven, he said

and touch the flowers in your bed
one by one, smell, caress
capture their essence in your nakedness

for tomorrow gone he will be
while the petals rot
and turn to dust
and you wait for the curtains to sway
and again paint the crazed
craving of your flower spirit.

Confidential

2009-08-15T18:04:00.004+08:00

Misyu and I are having coffee at McCafe Quezon Avenue-MRT. We're discussing about Cory, high school, Gloria and her jet, his heart examinations, and my Alabang boys. As usual we're catching up with each other's lives. He still works for GMA7 and just left his house for our meet up. My class just ended for the day.

Met Chip for two nights in a row. He was in between jobs right now so he has more time to see me. Last night, we had a drinking session with my other new boytoys Yuan and Stephen. He doesn't seem to mind especially because we're not even an item.

But he looks so good and yummy. He is thinner and darker. We had sex on his first visit.

I guess, I really am not sure who to date now. Yuan is 18 while his brother Stephan is 20. I think Chip is 24 now. Ryan is 22. There is also Aaron who si 20. Ang dami namang possibilities!

After our coffee, I'm going back to Alabang while Misyu will explore Glorietta. It's the eve of the Feast day of San Roque. There will surely be a drinking session later at the shop and every where else in Alabang.

I am exchanging messages with Bishop. I hope he comes.

Tie a yellow ribbon (round the old oak tree)

2009-08-01T21:21:00.003+08:00

Tita Cory is dead. This makes me so sad. I remember walking from my school to Times St with a classmate to go to her house on January 25, 1986 (her birthday) just to see her and then going to UP by public transportation to attend her rally in front of Vinzon's hall. I was so happy that I was able to shake her hand after the rally ended. She was already in her car.

So long, Tita Cory.

Sad movies make me cry

2009-07-31T14:35:00.011+08:00

He said he had to work so I went to the show alone/They turned down the lights and turned the projector on/And just as the news of the world started to begin/I saw my darlin' and my best friend walk in//Though I was sittin' there they didn't see/And so they sat right down in front of me/When he kissed her lips I almost died/And in the middle of the color cartoon I started to cry.//Oh-oh-oh sa-a-a-d movies always make me cry/Oh-oh-oh sa-a-a-d movies always make me cry/

Didn’t this news make you puke? My eyes bled when I read the news. Carlo J. Caparas as National Artist for Visual Arts and Film? WTF!!

I personally feel that this is an insult not only to those who have been recognized as National Artists, but also to me as a Filipino. There certainly are arguments for him because he had churned out several stories in Filipino serialized comics and movie screens like the following titles: Pieta, Ang Babaeng Hinugot sa Aking Tadyang, Angela Markado, Totoy Bato, Somewhere, Ayaw MAtulog ng Gabi, Mong, Bakekang, etc. But I just don’t buy that a commercial movie director and graphic novelist will be a National Artist? What were you thinking CCP and National Commission for Culture and Arts?

[insert expletives here]

I believe that this is a politically-motivated award for Mr. Caparas. But what else is not politically motivated decision in the Philippines? This happens all the time. We are just immune to it all already.
And that is what makes me sad. I just have to go to the movies today so that I can get away from this reality that certainly feels like I am in a movie.

Touch by touch

2009-07-29T16:15:00.010+08:00

I can tell by the look in your eyes/That you like what you see

I can tell by the touch of your hand/That you've got what I need

Baby there's no hurry/We've got no worries

Let's take all night/Give me sweet lovin'

Come taste my honey/Into the light

Touch by touch/Your fingers do the talking

I need to hear so much/Touch by touch

Now you're getting closer/To what I want so much...

- Diana Ross

I met Cris through Kristi in 2005. I think he first appeared in the blog in November 2005. I have met him much earlier though in Jove’s house in San Pedro when Kristi brought him in from the Plaza.

He is 24 now and studying Criminology in Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Muntinlupa (PLMu). He has a child with a former girlfriend who is still crazy with him and just recently defaced his friendster account. The child is with the mother.

I asked him to be at the Shoppe last night to give me a massage. Kristi said that the fee is only 300 pesos which is cheap for home service. But I used to date him so I guess I am entitled to a discount.

He arrived at quarter to 11 and we immediately proceeded to the session. I lied face down to the bed after taking off my shirt and shorts. He started with my back and finished with my feet.

We were talking about what is happening with our lives as the massage is going on. I chided him that he had recently had sex with Kristi as Kristi mentioned. He did not deny but quipped that Kristi is madaldal talaga. I even mentioned to him that Kristi said that Cris boasted that we had AS several times. Cris just laughed.

I felt relaxed when the massage ended. I stayed in bed as he sat down beside me. He turned off the lights after a few minutes and lied down with me. I felt his erection.

Early this morning, Kristi sent me an SMS. “Masarap b masahe? Sulit sa 300? At kumusta addtl serbis?”

I lied and told Kristi that there was no extra.

Serenade

2009-07-28T18:06:00.003+08:00

as i begin to strum
the strings that is your skin
of this guitar that is your being

i slowly close my eyelids
for this solitary serenade
building up in the darkness

my mouth trembling
my tongue waiting for the rhythm
of the song i often sing

and in the hurrying tempo
of my seasoned band
watch me uncase your gleaming microphone

warming in my well-practiced hands
and hear me sing your song
silence in the wildest performance.

published by the Philippine Free Press in June 1994

Classic

2009-07-27T13:31:00.015+08:00

Yesterday, Misyu sent me a text message to ask me about my date last Saturday night. I answered, “Happy. Dinner, movie, drinks, then uwi na. At least I got to know him more. Haha.”

I received a long forwarded message early Saturday morning from Ryan. Ryan was the guy I mentioned earlier who I have asked to join me in the Pasta Party of our TLF batch. He backed out at the last minute so I asked Chip instead. I met him several weeks ago through Kristi who he used to date. I got his number from Kristi in exchange for another guy’s number.

We have been text mates for more than a month before he agreed to meet up with me last Saturday. I guess he was not busy or he became interested finally.

He was free at 8pm so I stayed at Pregg’s apartment in Cubao after my class ended. We planned for the barbecue party on the eight at Pornstar’s house.

I left Pregg at quarter to eight just after “The Next Big Star” announced the bottom two for the week. Cutie Geoff is in the bottom two for the guys.

“So what do we do now,” Ryan asked me after exchanging pleasantries just outside Fully-Booked at the Gateway Mall in Cubao.

I stammered when I answered. I did not have a plan. I just mentioned in the text that we could have dinner, watch a movie, and/o have a drink somewhere. “Well, we could watch a movie first.”

“Yes, ‘cos I am not yet hungry. What movie?,” he inquired.

I enumerated the movies showing in Gateway as we were walking towards the theater area. He suggested “It’s Alive”. I wanted to watch the Piolo Pascual-produced Manila but I was impressing a guy here, so I agreed with his suggestion. We bought tickets and decided to eat since the movie was starting a full hour later pa.

We bought our meal at Burger King at the food court. BK’s Junior Whopper Meal is a treat at P115. The meal is comprised of a burger, fries, medium-sized drink, plus free sundae. We talked about Kristi and what he was telling me about Ryan while we were eating. I told him about the story why I got enough courage to ask for his number from Kristi.

We barely spoke with each other as we watched, “It’s Alive”, which turned out to be pretty bad after all, as Ryan’s friend had commented in a text to him while we were eating. The movie was a Rosemary’s Baby mediocre imitation and does not merit any mention here further so I’ll shut up about it now. But being with Ryan inside the theater was a blissful experience. I could not remember when was the last time I had gone movie watching with someone I like.

The drink afterwards at Marvin Agustin’s Oyster Boy was more animated. We got to talk a lot about each other without discussing much about our personal lives. Ryan works at a call center as expected. He is 22. He is from Baguio City. He is looking for a place to rent in the next 20 days since his roommates are vacating the place they are renting in 15 days.

We drank six beers each over Buffalo chicken. The service was good at Oyster Boy but it was cold in our area. Is it because Ryan and I were not hitting it off? Yes, we were deep in conversation but I was not feeling that he likes me. He did not invite me to his apartment after the drinks. It was almost 4 am when we finished but he let me go home because his roommate was in their apartment that night.

It could be true or he is just not that into me.

He walked with me halfway to EDSA and turned back after thanking me for the good time. His ride is on the other end of the street.

I was already inside the bus to Alabang when I received his reply to my text message thanking him for the time. "Tnx din ah, u take care gud nyt."

Got to write a classic

Got to write it in an attic
Baby, I'm an addict now
An addict for your love
I was a stray boy
And you was my best toy
Found it easy to annoy you
But you were different from the rest

And I loved you all the wrong ways
Now listen to me say
If it changed to another way
Would the difference make it
Would it be a classic
I gotta send it right away…
- Adrian Gurvitz

Where's the party

2009-07-24T15:48:00.006+08:00

Working Monday through Friday
Takes up all of my time
If I can get to the weekend
Everything will work out just fine
That's when I can go crazy
That's when I can have fun
Time to be with my baby
Time to come undone

Where's the party, I want to free my soul
Where's the party, I want to lose control
Where's the party, I want to free my soul
Where's the party, I want to lose control

Last night was Vicky Cristina Barcelona aka Vicky’s birthday celebration at the Salon and most of Alabang’s goddesses descended into our joint. Over two bottles of tequila, three bottles of brandy, and four bottles of beer grande, all the grrls have gone crazy. There were very few straight boys who ventured into the party so the grrls improvised and played with each other instead. The pamintas or straight acting ones kissed each other. The pa-girls and even the only grrl in the group with reconstructed breasts also participated.

When the lights were turned off and with the 80s music still blaring, the darkness tried to hide the various formations going on.

I got drunk and flirted with a boy who was just passing by. He was game so we ventured into my room and played with each other. Afterwards, I was so sleepy to get up and never bothered to join the party again.

I woke up with a headache. I am late for work again.

Don't want to grow old too fast
Don't want to let the system get me down
I've got to find a way to make the good times last
And if you'll show me how,
I'm ready now

Slow down you move too fast
Gonna make the good times last
Gonna let my hair hang down
I'm ready now

Where's the party
Where's the party, someone tell me
Where's the party, come on, come on, come on
Where's the party
- Madonna

A lovely day to be out of jail

2009-07-23T16:53:00.006+08:00

Ain't the weather fine/Ain't a cloud in sight/It's a lovely day to be outta jail/How that sun do shine/What a lovely day to be outta jail/You won't see me frown/When the sun's outta sight/'Cause I'm getting down/With my baby tonight

Everything's okay/Far as I can see/It's a lovely day/When you're finally free...

Beektur and I watched the overwrought and super long (to us, that is) movie, Selda (The Inmate). The movie centers on Rommel (the luscious Sid Lucero) and his imprisonment in a real jail (the Rizal Provincial Jail in the story) and in a metaphysical one (his marriage to Sita played by the voluptuous Ara Mina). I persuaded Beektur that we watch the film instead of the Cinemalaya Cinco entries. “It’s an M2M film, anu ba?” And Emilio Garcia and Sid Lucero won awards for it.

Unfortunately, he agreed. Okay, the shots were basically good but as Beektur commented, “Do they really have to show the toilet bowl filled with feces?” Unnecessary. There were many extended shots and lingering moments as if the scenes were in real time. “Puede ba Mr. Paolo Villaluna and Ms. Ellen Ramos, magpaka-classicist ba?” The breakdown scenes, I repeat, were overwrought and super long.

Beektur asked me, “Di pa ba tayo magwo-walk out?”

I would like to commend the acting of the three leads though. At least, they were good.

One more thing, the forced oral sex scene was unrealistic. Is Paolo straight? “Di ba makakaskas ng kahoy yung etits ng character ni Alan Paule dun?”

The movie watching was partly enjoyable because of the good-looking guy seated next to us. Later we found out that he is Karl and he is a friend of one of the directors. He critiques films but he would not write something about “Selda” because, as he said, “Paolo is my friend.”

Earlier, while we were dining at Singkit, I asked Beektur if he enjoyed, “Bona”. I also commented why he watches movies repeatedly.

“Eh ikaw nga, you repeatedly meet your men,” he quipped.

“Oh well, my movies with them have not ended. So tuloy-tuloy lang.”

I just hope that I can start another movie with Karl.

Conversation

2009-07-22T13:58:00.008+08:00

He comes for conversation/I comfort him sometimes/Comfort and consultation/He knows that's what he'll find/I bring him grapes and cheeses/He brings me songs to play/He sees me when he pleases/I see him in cafes...
Joni Mitchell

Buboy is Available

Buboy: hi pgi
Me: oi gwapo. musta?
Buboy: eto gwapo pa rin. hehhe
Me: alam ko. Haha. wala ka sa work?
Buboy: llunchlang. balik na ako
Me: day off mo?
Buboy: thu at fri day off ko
Me: okies. njoy ur day.
Buboy: musta namn love life mo
Me: wala pa rin. hehe
Buboy: kaw pa. maniwala ako
Me: di tulad dati. kasi i dont really go out. sex meron. pero iba naman ang lovelife di ba? eh minsan nagkakagusto ka, ayaw naman sayo.
Buboy: ganun ba yun. Ahahah. ako ba type mo pa rin? kaso dati ayaw mo naman ako asawahn e
Me: yes.
Buboy: sex lang habol mo. trip mo lang ako
Me: indi ah. in love ka sa iba kaya di ko pinagpilitan sarili ko. pupunta ba ako sa sta rosa kung hindi..
Buboy: di siguro
Me: kaso nagpaparaya lang ako nun... kasi baka sex nga lang habol mo sa akin.
Buboy: ganun. di siguro. nag sex ba tayo sa sta rosa?
Me: yes sa bahay nyo. may syota ka nun. nag away yata kayo. i really like you then pero feeling ko you have other things in mind kaya di na ako nag-insist
Buboy: ah ganun ba. Heheh. (beat) kaso may jowa ulit ako ngaun e. totoanan na at to. may plano kami negosyo
Me: haha. ganun. matapos mo akong tanungin. hopefully it wud be for real. so hindi na naman ako mag iinsist. haaay.
Buboy: ramdam ko kasi di ka naman seryoso sa akin e
Me: well, heto na lang buboy, if your relationship right now doesnt work again, ok lang ba to try uli... ayan insisting na ako. Hehe. but don't worry about me, ok? be happy dyan. masaya naman kahit walang syota eh.
Buboy: hahah. uu ba. kaso di ka nga seryoso e. di ko naramdaman. sex lang tau ng sex. walang seryosohan
Me: well, we're older now. at alam natin na sex is not always important, promise yan ha.
Buboy: ok. mabait jowa ko ngaun. May edad na sya. mga 38 pero mukha pa rin bata
Me: nami miss na tuloy kita..
Buboy: heheh. miss u din. balik na ako work. bye
Me: go go go. enjoy mo yan. ingat lang palagi.

Buboy is Offline

Transcript of my conversation in YM with Buboy yesterday afternoon. He is in Saudi Arabia for almost five years now. I am in Manila.

Answer

2009-07-20T17:51:00.018+08:00

I will be the answer/At the end of the line
I will be there for you/While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty/I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance/If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life/I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it/Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know/That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out/You'll still be burning so bright…
- Sarah McLachlan

As we watched the end of the film, “The Brave One”, which stars Jodie Foster as a radio personality who took the law into her own hands after surviving a mugging that killed her fiancée, Chip (click his name to find out when he first appeared in this blog) commented that he liked the Sarah McLachlan’s song that was playing. It was touching, I added.

Chip stayed overnight after almost a three-month absence. He had been trying to meet me after I arrived from Indonesia in May but I just refused. He is still the boyfriend of one of my friends. But I invited him Saturday night to join my batch mates from The Library Foundation workshop that I attended.

He was already tipsy when I fetched him in McDonald’s at the corner of Buendia (now Gil Puyat) and Pasong Tamo (now Chino Roces) streets. He came from a sort of celebration with his friends and work mates in his house. I bought four cans of beer at 711 and crossed the street with him to the condominium where Bona and his husband Dave are staying.

“What time do you want to go home?” I asked Chip when we were already upstairs. Chip has just eaten the pasta that Bona prepared for the small get together with our friends and batchmates.

“In an hour perhaps. I am going home with you, right?” he quipped, nonchalantly.

“Of course.”

Earlier that day, I met with Hydro and Pornstar and Pornstar’s boyfriend Jape, at another McDonald’s in MRT Quezon Avenue. I just came from my graduate school class. We were to meet with Bona and Paige and spend our Saturday night consuming pasta, wine, and conversation. Kristi sent an SMS that he won’t be able to come. He is still afraid to meet our friends after he disappeared for two years. Beektur was attending another party. Pregg was still tied up at work.

Bona offered to host a dinner two weeks ago when we met with Beektur at CCP and endured the dance performances of “Real Time”. Pornstar sent a message when we were already home after waiting for another day to unfold in Malate, “thnx 4 a gud, even f slytly respctabl & artsy nyt out.” Our group is bonding again after some of us had ventured out of the country for years, but now have returned home.

And so on Saturday night, Bona who got married in California last year but is now studying Culinary Arts, Pornstar who returned from South Africa last year with Jape in tow and is now heading an NGO, Hydro who is single and is working in an international financing institution, Paige who has a boyfriend of two years and is working again in Makati after his stint in his island province, and I enjoyed each other and shared laughter and memories. We jokingly observed that in three to five year time, we will be meeting with mah-jong tables and tips about our cosmetic surgeons shared among us.

I have invited Chip after another (Ryan) declined my invitation. I guess I just don’t want to attend a party without a man in tow. Haha.

Chip and I arrived in Alabang at 2 AM. The ride home was fast since it was past midnight. Vicky and Bighani, Vicky's assistant, were not in the Salon. They were at a gay beauty contest in Putatan, Muntinlupa City that Bighani joined in.

We entered my room and proceeded directly to our business for the night. Unfortunately, Vicky and Bighani arrived while I was exercising my tongue on Chip’s skin. I went out of the room after putting on some clothes and opened the Salon’s door. I learned that Bighani was not even in the top ten. But I was sleepy and wanted to go back into my room and so I did not entertain friends who were with them.

Chip was asleep when I got back in. I closed my eyes in the darkness and lulled myself to sleep with the almost humming-like sound of his snore. We woke up at around 7 AM and continued where we left off hours earlier.

Afterwards, I went out of the room as Chip continued sleeping. He woke up at almost 1 PM and watched Jodie Foster with me after lunch. He took a bath while Sarah was singing.

“I have to go,” he told me before he went inside the bathroom. I nodded.

I watched another movie when he left. It was Lino Brocka’s “Kontrobersyal.”

Superwoman

2009-07-04T15:03:00.006+08:00

“I was not ready for the fall, too blind to see the writing on the wall.” – Live to Tell, Madonna

Pregg and I was joined by Beektur last Thursday afternoon on our second serving of the Virgin Labfest 5. The set was Virgin Labfest 4 Revisited. Unfortunately, the play that I was looking forward to watching among the three plays in that set was not performed. It was announced that due to unavoidable circumstances, “Ang Bayot, ang Meranao, at ang Habal habal sa isang Nakakabagot na Paghihintay sa Kanto ng Lanao del Norte”, would not be performed. The ticket price of 200 pesos was slashed to 160 pesos. Later, I found out from Pregg that the main reason for the cancelled performance was that the two performers had a fight. They were good friends for a long time. They couldn’t settle their differences so that the show must go on and all that bullshit. It was just too bad for us audience.

What were left for us to partake were the two other plays. The first was the very short yet very poignant, “Uuwi na ang Nanay kong si Darna”. It was a play about a young boy who interpreted his father’s stories about his domestic helper mother in Hong Kong into her being the ultimate Pinoy superhero, Darna. The casting and the set was okay. But I don’t know. It was just too short for me. Yes, I felt a little pinch in my heart. But it was just a pinch. I want my whole heart to hurt. It was just really bitin.

I have read the second play, “Ang Kalungkutan ng mga Reyna,” prior to watching it and I like it. I bought a copy of the Virgin Labfest book last week. Seeing the play performed was so much better especially with the high-caliber performance of Sharmaine Buencamino. I felt through Buencamino’s performance what could be the thoughts going through the minds of our leaders who are so desperate in clinging on to the glory of the symbolic throne of the head of state. Little did they realize that it is not solely the fault of the voting public that the country is submerged in mud, but mainly because of the politicians who have propped themselves to lead their constituents in perpetuity. Also commendable was the performance of Tuxqs Rutaquio as Marcel de Alba. I saw him last as Ada in the first round of performances of Zsazsa and his characterization of Marcel was consistently that of a learned hairdresser who almost never screams. And the ministers and generals, as in real life, we do not really see them, but they are, I bet, always behind the curtains, welcoming those who will be named king or queen, or pushing those who have stayed beyong their time limit.

I wanted to watch another set of the Virgin Labfest 5 at 8pm but after watching the series of new choreographers’ works at 6 pm in another theater at CCP my body succumbed to fatigue. I just hope that the pair who danced to “Havaiianas” had won something because it was mainly the dance that I could relate to without me dozing of during the performances.

I asked Beektur about his thought of the set, "The Family that ____s Together," and he said that they were very talky. "Puedeng-puede sa radyo."

Bilanggo

2009-06-29T11:34:00.014+08:00

Bilanggo sa rehas na gawa ng puso mo
Bilanggo sa gapos na dulot
Ng pag-iisip sa iyo
Hanggang kailan pa ba magdaramdam?
Hanggang kailan pa ba masasaktan?
Pag-isip sa iyo
Maging sa ganito at ganyan
Hanggang kailan ka pa maghihintay?
Hanggang kailan ka ba nagsasawa, Inday?
- Rizal Underground

On Saturday, on my way to my graduate class, I was about to give up that I would be able to watch a single set of plays during the first week of the Virgin Labfest 5. I have texted almost everyone who, I knew, are in a way, into plays or musicals, or arts or culture. But no one seemed interested. Kristi wanted to watch Transformers instead. Misyu is still allergic to CCP. Paige is with his boyfriend and the boyfriend does not like to watch. Wilma is still commiserating over his guard lover. Beektur and his Spanish love, Aramis, are in Boracay. Of course, I will not watch a play alone. I do not like the feeling of just swallowing all the emotions I have experienced while watching a play and not share it with anyone after experiencing it. I want to talk about it with my companion. It does not matter if he is a friend, a relative, a lover, or someone you share your lover with. At the end of a play, the two or three of us, should discuss it until we go our separate ways and bring a clean sleet of emotion home.

Good thing that Pregg sent a message asking how I was while I was crossing Quezon Avenue on my way to my grad school and to attend my first class of three for the day. I said I am fine and followed it up immediately with, “Do you want to watch a play in CCP later?” I convinced him that what was on at 8pm was one of the better sets of the Virgin Labfest 5. I told him the three sets of plays revolve around gay characters and they were the best of the previous edition of the Labfest. After a series of text messages over class, we agreed to meet after my last class at the apartment that he shares with his lover of seven years.

Pregg drives a luscious red Honda City. We passed through EDSA going to Roxas Boulevard while catching up with stories about our common friends and pet peeves. We even talked about how he gave me tickets for ballet performances and musicals performed at CCP. The last one was the first performances of Zsa Zsa Zaturnnah ze Musical at Tanghalang Huseng Batute where Eula Valdez swallowed the theater whole because of her fabulous performance.

We arrived early at CCP and bought our tickets after parking his car nearby. We ate our share of the sumptuous sisig and the pale pinakbet at Dencio’s before falling in line just outside THB. While we were in line, a giant red X emerged from the elevator and we giggled when I disappointingly said, “Oh oh, she’s a girl.” Nicholas Pichay, one of the authors of the three plays to be performed said that the red X means that a very short dramatic performance will be shown wherever X is gliding.

Pregg and I sat right at the middle of the topmost bench inside the black theater. A few dialogues into the first play, I realized that it was not indeed the set that I thought we were going to watch. I mistakenly assumed that what would be performed were the set of Virgin Labfest 4 Revisited. Indeed, Nick Pichay was right, which I did not take to heart when he was explaining earlier, that the set was the Life is a Trap Set.

The first play was Paigan by Liza Magtoto. I did enjoy the play a bit. The actors were fairly good with the girl who played the wife of Fagen as the stand out actor. She played different characters and played them well enough to convince me that she is good with characterization. Though, the several other characters who kept on popping up as bridges to the next scenes, somehow were irritatingly unhelpful to the story being presented. The interaction between Pedring and Tacio, the two friends who were at opposite ends on killing Fagen, was hilarious at times but flat in other instances. The play however was good introspection of how we were not that different from the African-Americans who fought with the whites against us during the Filipino-American War. Fast-forward to today, we ask ourselves, what are our similarities really?

Pregg and I agreed that the weakest play to us was Hate Restaurants. I did not empathize with any of the eccentric characters in the play (except maybe the chubby girl who had an amazing way of laughing during her short scene). There is no connection with me, so that I could have felt what they were feeling. Is it because it was written in English by an Australian? Or is it because the layers of characterization and ironies of the cast were unclear to me? Or maybe, I just did not get it.

We even liked the short presentation in the male CR during the first 10 minute break more. The red X was standing near the CR with a note in one of her arms that, “may putok dito.” The short scene happened in a male CR with two gay janitors killing a male student after getting his money and other valuables. The dialogue was in gayspeak. It was short, funny, and well-acted. Bravo to the two killers.

The third play was the best of the lot. Not solely because it was by Nick Pitchay. Mainly because I was able to relate to the play. With the carnival of our youth in the background, it rightfully captured the mystery and the thrill of the perya more so near the end of the play when the two characters rode the rollercoaster ride of their lives and finally found the perfect way to end whatever hold they have of each other. There was nothing holding them together anymore. Whatever it was, it has vanished with all the desaparecidos they have been hoping to find or has found but were still missing. Bravo to the two actors and the superb direction and set.

We went out of the CCP ground after 11PM giddy with culture. The Php200 fee was more than enough for the good experience. We are planning of watching again on Thursday since it is Pasig City Day and both of us were working in the Pasig part of Ortigas, thus, free of work. What will be performed were the two sets of plays that I have planned of watching with friends when I read the schedule of Virgin Labfest 5.

Cheers to the Virgin Labfest 5 for making us hungry for more performances!

Single ladies

2009-06-18T17:11:00.008+08:00

My friend, Beektur, just arrived today in Manila with his significant other from the States. I haven't met up with them yet though we have chatted earlier via facebook and he asked for my mobile number. We might meet up later in Makati.

His being here with his lover, started me thinking about Bona and his husband and Pornstar with his partner who are back in Manila after being abroad for several years. Bona is married and is settling down in the city after a few years in California. Pornstar left South Africa for Manila after being there for almost eight years. Although Beektur will just be here for a short while, all of them returned home with their lovers in tow.

And as usual, I am as single as I wanna be since the year that they left Manila. Even Kristi is dating SR and Pregg has been with Riche since 2002. For that matter, Paige is also involved for two years now.

Wow. It seems that it is I only who is single these days. Something is very wrong here.

But how about Wilma? Oh-oh he is with Cori. And Ursula is with his usual parading beauties.

I am single and alone. Oh that hurts. Yes, I am living with Vicky, the hairstylist in my Salon, who is also single, and the other 'grrls' in Alabang who are mostly singles, but those people that I mentioned above are some of my closest friends. And among my TLF circle and my elementary school circle, I am the only one who is single. (Yes, indeed, because Cher who is in a nurse in the UK is also living in with someone.)

Am I married to my job? Last weekend, I was working at home for a proposal on the 12th and was in the office on the 13th and 14th. I usually go home very late also.

I am not dating in anyway. My last date with a gay man was more than a year ago where I felt like a prostitute.

Yes, I have sex often, but these are mostly with paid boys who offer their body for a few pesos. There is no intimacy there, though I thought there was in some encounters, which later on turned out to be just sex, really.

What am I to do then? Date again? Surf the net? Cruise movie houses?

I just have to overcome this notion that most single gays nowadays are so choosy and unsure about what they want for a relationship. Maybe I just have to try.

Or maybe I need to move abroad to finally meet this one guy for me.

Home

2009-05-27T11:46:00.006+08:00

I am back in Manila.

During my short work stint abroad, I have been in Indonesia, Malaysia, and Singapore in one and a half months. Sex never came up. I realized that it was not that important. I got by. I even enjoyed being with my self a lot.

It is just a different case here in Manila. I haven't seen Olan, Bishop, Chip, or Marc. I am not looking forward to meeting them again.

The two to three guys I have been with were a mix of the new and the old service boys of Alabang. It is easier that way. You buy pleasure simple with no emotion.

Tomorrow, I am going home to Sorsogon. Perhaps the boys are much much sweeter there.

Another now

2009-04-24T00:03:00.004+08:00

I am in another Asian country. It is very close to the Philippines yet feels so far.

I am not sure if I miss Marc or Bishop. Or Chip. Or even Olan. Before I left Manila earlier this month, I had a series of rendezvous with four different guys in four nights. But now, no one is here to cuddle the night with. Just the almost silent humming of the airconditioner in my room and the tap dancing moves of my fingers in my laptop.

It is late. I have to sleep. Tomorrow is another work day. I hope that I'll be busy.

I just have to look forward to my KL trip next weekend. Or maybe to another wet dream with Amy Winehouse.

Ugh. So much for new experience.

Scratch that itch

2009-03-30T18:47:00.003+08:00

Marc is gone to Ilocos Sur and I am canoodling with his cousin. We made peace with his having a kid. I just thought to myself that I am leaving the country for more than a month and it is just fair not to be aggravated by his situation.

But nothing stopped me from flirting with Olan, his cousin. On Thursday night, he visited the Salon for no reason. He just said that he wanted to get away from their house for a few hours. I offered him a space in my bed.

The sex was more satisfying than with Marc. So we did it again last night. There was no talk about relationships. I guess we just enjoyed doing it.

Paige requested me to tell him the details but I can't for now. Maybe next time.

Sweet child o' mine

2009-03-20T15:05:00.001+08:00

I was drunk at 2 in the morning a few days ago when I found out that Marc is a father of a boy. I wanted to confront him in the morning but I did not. Perhaps, I am just interpreting the wrong clues.

But I saw pictures of an infant with him in bed. There is nothing more to ask as evidence.

I told Kristi, Ursula, and Wilma about it and they have very different reactions. Should I accept the situation? I told them that I should not because I have been on this way before and it was not a very pleasant experience. Remember Jake, or should I say Magneto since he is an ex now.

Last night, Kristi invited me to join his friend Jet and him in a karaoke bar in Las Pinas just in front of SM Southmall. I asked Marc if he wanted to join but he declined. He stayed in the Salon while I was out singing my guts in ‘Beach House’.

I had a fun night. A few bottles of SMB light were consumed. And there was good laughter with the hosts. A plus point was the waiters who were wearing undershirts and sarong.

When I went home at 3 in the morning, I opened Marc’s mobile phone to see if the pictures of the kid were still there. I know, I should not have done that. Blame me for being suspicious.

The phone was off because he was charging it. I turned it on and the welcome message was, “I will always take care of my son and wife!”

Even if the pictures were gone in the images folder that alone was enough evidence that indeed Marc has already fathered a child. He is just turning 20 in April.

Wow.

Sympathetic character

2009-03-19T16:54:00.015+08:00

I have as much rage as you have
I have as much pain as you do
I've lived as much hell as you have
and i've kept mine bubbling under for you

you were my best friend
you were my lover
you were my mentor
you were my brother
you were my partner
you were my teacher
you were my very own sympathetic character
- Alanis Morissette

Meet the current cast members of this novela (Season 6):

Narrator: Sid (maninisid/M) - in his 30s, still hungry for whatever is out there to be devoured

Salon grrls: Vicky - the new beautician with a very dark past spent in the Middle East as a runaway (jailed) barber; Chabi - the too 'girly looking' gay in the neighborhood who can't find a boyfriend (others- Frederick, Shane, Melai, Paloma, Patrick, Joan, Ma-ke)

Close friends: Wilma - the lover of guards, Ursula - the politician who is dating a very young boy these days, Misyu - the 'missing artist', Kristi - the nympho who is working in a call center, Wen - the former physicist turned line producer of indie films, Estelle - a former office mate who is a fan of movie houses and cyber group dating, Paige - the Ivatan native who has returned to the island (others: Beektur - a college chum in the US, Pregg, Bona, Pornstar, Gaz - all four were batchmates in 1998 in a TLF workshop, Rogue - an ex who is now a friend)

Boys: Marc, Bishop, Gambil (new), Aristotle (new), Chip, Jake, Macmac

More on the other characters next time. Keep on reading my friends.

Call me

2009-03-18T17:34:00.003+08:00

It was more than an hour past midnight when I was awakened by someone calling my name by the window. I tried to ignore it at first when I realized who it was. But he kept on saying my name over and over again and begging me to let him in. He even promised that he would leave after we’re done.

But I was not in the mood and I had to wake up before six AM because we were required to be at the office at 8 AM. I said no and asked him to leave me alone.

Earlier last night while I was sitting by the burger store across the street from the Salon, Macmac suddenly came up to me and asked who among the boys huddling in front of the neighbor’s house was my boyfriend.

I told him not one among them, as I have observed that he was drunk or worse, high on drugs, and was bent on harassing the group. Good thing that Marc went home a good 20 minutes before the question was popped.

I thought the trouble was over when I came back from a motor bike ride in barangay Bayanan and the rain kept on pestering the street. Before my friend Albin and I zoomed to Bayanan, Macmac tried to catch any one of the boys he had harassed earlier, an ice pick was in his hand. I found out from Vicky when I arrived later at the Salon that Macmac was unable to catch and hurt anyone.

I went out of my room as Macmac did not stop pleading with me to let him enter the Salon. I stayed in the main room and tried to get some sleep. Vicky and Aristotle were still watching a porn movie. It seemed that they did not hear the clamor for sex outside.

It was almost 30 minutes of badgering and I could not take it anymore. I went back inside my room and confronted Macmac.

You should be ashamed of yourself doing this at this hour. I want to sleep. I am not in the mood. Let me close the window. Leave me alone.

A neighbor must have heard the commotion which prompted Macmac to back down and leave. I locked the window and covered it with the curtain.

I returned to my bed and wished for sleep. I do not need this, I told myself.

I did not need that.

Holding back the years

2009-03-02T18:35:00.006+08:00

A bizarre weekend went as crazy as it came.

Marc was in Cavite. I drank eight bottles of San Miguel light on Saturday night celebrating how seemingly easy my two final exams were. After midnight, Bishop texted and decided to see and sleep with me again.

It was an awesome sex which I would certainly like to describe here but...

...the smile that was plastered in my lips in the morning of Sunday was gone in the night. Jake went to see me too on Sunday afternoon.

I wanted my smile to stay but Jake's problems and Marc's longing for love ended the weekend on a wire.

What gives?

(Press here to know when I first blogged about Jake)

40 days, 40 fights (reprise)

2009-02-25T11:08:00.006+08:00

Look at all the possibles
Throw answers out to the world
Its hard, it's hard, it's hard
Its hard, it's hard, it's hard
Its hard when you don't know how
But I'll be here to throw you some clues
Don't even have to know your name

Something beautiful about it though
Forty days and forty fights
Forty days and forty fights

It is Lent Season again. I am debating with myself if there is a need for me to do the 40 day fasting that I have done successfully in 2003 (only). My other attempts in the following years were disappointingly unsuccessful.

Knowing my batting average, I am not confident if I can make it through 40 days without sex. Well, Marc and I have not done any since Jan 30. I might as well try.

What do you think?

Promise to try

2009-02-24T13:36:00.009+08:00

Estelle, a former office mate of mine, and I had a subdued conversation a few days ago at the office. We were sitting in the office library, almost whispering to each other.

Estelle is in a relationship. But every now and then, he wanders off and find other people to spend a few minutes of intense heat with. He confessed that last December he consulted a doctor because his penis was discharging watery substances. I thought it might be Gonorrhea, i told him.

He is afraid that maybe there was more that he got from his one night stand. I agreed.

I also shared some of my experiences with possible sexually transmitted infections (STIs). It is better to be safe these days.

We promised each other to have ourselves tested for HIV together in May. There is an increase in cases of HIV infections last year. It is better that we know now. It is much better that in case we are positive or one of us is, there is a friend who can help the other deal with it.

I hope I can finally have myself tested now. I did not have the courage before. I believe, I have enough of it this time.

Sowing the seeds of love

2009-02-20T18:00:00.006+08:00

These are the albums that had such a profound effect on me they changed my life or the way I looked at it. They sucked me in and took me over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the albums that I use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the albums that no matter what they were thought of musically shaped my world.

(not in order)

1-2. Tears for Fears - Songs from the Big Chair and The Seeds of Love
3. Suzanne Vega - Solitude Standing
4. U2 - The Joshua Tree
5. Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes
6-7. Everything but the Girl - Amplified Heart and Walking Wounded
8. Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head
9. Joey Ayala at ang Bagong Lumad - Magkabilaan
10. Cyndi Lauper - True Colors
11-12. Eraserheads - UltraElectromagneticPop and Circus
13. Cranberries - No Need to Argue
14. Sinead O'Connor - Am I not your Girl?
15. Grace Nono - Tao Music
16. Madonna - True Blue
17. Sade - Lovers Rock
18. Alanis Morissette - Jagged Little Pill
19. True Faith - Build
20. Third Eye Blind - Third Eye Blind
21. Pearl Jam - Ten
22. Sting - Ten Summoner's Tales
23. Julia Fordham - Collection
24. Elton John - The Very Best of Elton John
25. Burth Bacharach - The Look of Love
26. 10,000 Maniacs - Blind Man's Zoo

Where I belong

2009-02-11T11:56:00.002+08:00

"You belong to love as wheels belong to roads, as grapes belong to the blossoming of taste, as corn belongs to crows, as shadows belong to the ache of heat, as happiness belongs to the capricious pangs of the soul."

You were not with me last night. You have visited the person you love in Cavite. I am not sure yet if you love me even if you have sent a text message last night saying that you do. It made me giddy but it is just not enough.

Yes, I am sure that I like you. You have been in my dreams the past few weeks. It means to me that you certainly made your mark in my subconscious. I admit it now even if I have been denying this feeling before.

But what I feel for you is not enough to tie me in my bed. Last night, I went out drinking with some friends in a videoke stall by the lake. The houses are on stilts. The light from the moon made up for the illumination. It was after the singing that the events happened.

I brought the first one to my room where you have been sharing my bed for more than a month now. We had raw and aggressive sex.

The other event happened after the first one left. Frederick and I followed a group of late night flyers to their nest in Morning Breeze village and got what we bargained for. Their sleeping place was open to the elements and yet we performed what we were expected to do unmindful of the environment. We were delighted that after the preliminary rehearsal, it was one of the night flyers who sang the song with our microphones.

I slept at two in the morning. When I woke up, a smile tried to burst out of my lips. I let it as I read your text message. Yes, I will see you tonight.

"May the color blue behold your body while sun washes your shoulders near the window.
May your lips refuse the kiss unless your heart is home.
May euphoria find you in the place where you are lonely.
May you light a billion candles with your mind."

Hands to heaven

2009-02-05T12:05:00.004+08:00

RULE: You might want to try it yourself, just put your player on shuffle and hit the 'Next' button to get your answer to every question. You must indicate the title and artist, no matter how far-fetched it sounds. And remember no cheating.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
MARIAH CAREY- Side Effects

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
SHERYL CROW- There Goes the Neighborhood

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
CHICAGO- If you leave me now

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
ALICIA KEYS - Go ahead

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
KELLY CLARKSON - Since you been gone

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
AZTEC CAMERA - Walkout to winter

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
SITTI - Lady wants to know

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
ROB THOMAS - Lonely no more

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
DAVID COOK - Always be my baby

WHAT SONG WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
THE CALL - Everywhere I go

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
BRITNEY SPEARS - Piece of me

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
JOHN MAYER - I'm gonna find another you

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
U2 - With or without you

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
THE CHEMICAL BROTHERS - Cancer

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
SWEENEY TODD OST - Little Priest

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
COLDPLAY - God put a smile upon your face

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
CYNDI LAUPER - Money Changes Everything

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
TIMBALAND - Scream

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
ALANIS MORISSETTE - Citizen of the Planet

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
ANNIE LENNOX - Coloured Bedsheet

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
FAITH HILL - It matters to me

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
TORI AMOS - Almost Rosey

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?

BREATHE - Hands to heaven

What about me (reprise)

2009-02-03T11:31:00.007+08:00

Go to my very first entry in December 2003 for the first 10 bits about me. Here are the last three of 25. The other bits were scattered in this blog.

23. I am a dog scorpion. I like yellow. I enjoy lazing around the house. I’m a DVD addict. I just finished watching the 3rd season of Dexter in a pirated DVD. I want to watch all Daniel Craig movies. I just bought a pirated DVD collection of his films last week. I enjoyed Mother and Infamous. Next stop, Archangel.

24. I was baptized a Roman Catholic but I do not go to mass religiously. I wanted to be a priest when I was young. In fact, I told promised myself in 1995 that if I would be able to catch a glimpse of the Pope as his mobile wheeled around Roxas Boulevard, I would enter the seminary. I saw him passed by in all his magnificence which almost made me cry but I never fulfilled my promise. Should I?

25. I have been in the country my whole life. I love to stay here till the day I die. A Filipino who loves his country. But who doesn’t really? It is just that the world seems to be getting smaller and smaller and I am getting older. We all are. And surely, some of us have settled down here and others have settled somewhere else. I want to settle down too. Most probably, it won’t happen here. It gets lonely sometimes. I want to be happier again.

Ironic

2009-01-27T13:49:00.005+08:00

"I'm broke but I'm happy..."

A chapter of my life ended yesterday. I closed my dollar account with BDO. It was a 10-year relationship gone kaput.

I opened it up with the hope that it would help increase my wealth after my brother decided to accept a job abroad in one of Europe’s cruise ships. He failed in his three attempts because of homesickness. I am taking care of him and his family of five kids ever since.

I am not complaining about that. The kids are doing very well in school. I just hope that I can tell my brother that he has to earn money by himself to support them. I can always help when I can.

Although I am not getting any younger, I still have dreams of my own to fulfill. I do not want my financial situation to be a hindrance. I will definitely do whatever I can to finish my post graduate degree in a year’s time.

For now, I can minimize my personal expenses. I am not sure though which part of my lifestyle to give up. As I have said, I am not giving up my studies. How about the Salon? Is it earning enough? How about Marc?

Just a little bit

2008-12-08T17:01:00.005+08:00

Tingi

sa convenience store sa kanto,
yung kapitbahayan ng mga tricycle
na puno ng sarisaring tao,
mula bukang-liwayway hanggang dapithapon
hanggang magdamag hanggang sa susunod na araw,
doon kita unang napansin
habang inuubos mo ang ice cream
na binili lang ng tingi
dito sa bayan nating sanay sa pakunti-konti.

isang sachet ng shampoo
kadikit na ang conditioner, at maliit na sabon din
para sa isang paligo.
kape, creamer, asukal, tsokolate
pati palaman, tinapay, noodles
para sa isang agahan.
tubig, kendi, sigarilyo
underwear, underarm lotion, pasa load
para sa isang maghapon ng buhay.

Pati nga ba ang pag-ibig?

Inubos natin ng isang linggo ang isang dosenang halik.
isang buong oras na kapaan sa sinehan
at halos tatlong gabing nakahubad ka sa aking silid,
ninanamnam ang bawat patak ng aking pawis.
hanggang sa nasimot ang libog
at muli na namang naghanap
ng ibang pupuno sa kakarampot
na ligayang hindi kaagad makita,
mag-uumit muli ng ngiti, tuwa, kapiranggot na saya,

sa manipis na nating dibdib ng walang katapusang pag-iisa.

-- for Marc. :)

Moratorium

2008-12-02T11:43:00.006+08:00

SPECIAL REPORT
Gov't warns vs HIV danger in MSM sector

By Diana G. Mendoza
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 04:31:00 12/01/2008

MANILA, Philippines—Amid the celebration of World AIDS Day on Monday, the health department is grappling with the problem of declaring an epidemic of HIV infection among a sector it calls MSM, or men having sex with men.

Increasingly, recent victims are students and young professionals.

The huge problem is that it could not declare this epidemic in the same way it does an outbreak of dengue fever because of the "gay" stigma implicit in it.

Dr. Eric Tayag, head of the health department's National Epidemiology Center, sounded the alarm in October during the Philippine National AIDS Convention, a biannual event of the NGO AIDS Society of the Philippines.

Citing the health department's HIV/AIDS Registry, a collection of reports from hospitals, clinics and treatment centers of laboratory-confirmed HIV tests, Tayag noted sudden, steep increases in HIV infection among MSM in the last three years.

The registry recorded 210 new infections among MSM in 2005, 309 in 2006 and 342 in 2007. This year, from January to September alone, there were already 395 cases, up 96 percent since 2005.

Tayag said there was nothing like this in the 21 years since the government kept an official record of HIV infections starting in 1984 when the first AIDS case was reported in the Philippines.

Because the cases were tremendously in excess of what was usually expected, Tayag concluded that there was "an ongoing HIV and AIDS epidemic among the MSM."

"Several factors may be responsible but we believe MSM has become the new sexual norm (in HIV transmission)," he said. Independent behavioral studies, he said, have shown widespread unsafe sex in this group, such as the nonuse of condoms during anal sex.

"The die is cast," Tayag said in an interview. The epidemic is likely to escalate and will not be contained in the next five years unless fearless, aggressive interventions are done, he warned.
The health department is attempting to engage in a dialogue with the MSM communities, but Tayag said those involved are either "invisible men" or "closeted" and not open about their sexual activities.

This is one reason why the health department is cautious in declaring the epidemic.
"We cannot predict the level of stigma and discrimination against MSM when we link the new findings to them," Tayag said. "The last thing the health department wants is to label HIV and AIDS as a gay disease."

Through the years, males comprised 69 percent of the total infections through heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual contact, with MSM triggering the bulk. MSM is grouped in the homosexual and bisexual modes.

Tayag noted that for the first time in 2007, homosexual and bisexual mode of infection surpassed heterosexual transmission—56 percent as against 43 percent; and from January to September 2008, it rose to 67 percent as against 34 percent.

He said that in the cumulative total of 1,097 infected MSM from 1984 to 2008, 49 percent were reported in the last three years alone; 108 have died when reported, and slightly more MSM were reportedly already with AIDS, the terminal stage of HIV infection.

The most affected age group among males has also moved younger—from 45 to 49 years old to 20 to 29.

Among the newly infected, Tayag said, "we are looking at a special population of 15 to 24 years old and we would like to see how HIV moves in this age group." He said the 25 to 34 age group was also widely affected.

Yuppies among newly infected

Tayag said the newly infected—90 percent of whom were single—were mostly students and young professionals—a sudden departure from the sectors that health experts called "most-at-risk populations."

These are freelance sex workers in the streets, those working in nightclubs and girlie bars, male clients of sex workers and drug users. Prostituted males who service other men are also in the newly infected MSM group, and they are also very young.

Because the registry is a passive surveillance system, he said the entire picture of HIV infection is not captured, but nevertheless provides a trend.

If the current rapid increases persist, there will be 10,000 to 12,000 HIV-infected MSM in the next three to five years.

There are now 3,456 cases in the Philippines from 1984 to September 2008. The Joint United Nations Program on HIV and AIDS said the number of cases had been increasing at a "low and slow" pace at less than 1 percent until 2004 when the problem was declared as "hidden and growing."

For now, Tayag said the predominance of MSM was highest in Metro Manila. Increasing infection rates were also reported in the cities of Angeles, Cebu and Davao.

Dr. Diana Mendoza (not related to this writer) of the Manila social hygiene center said her small staff was trying hard to do confidential counseling, but risky sexual behavior was widespread.
"These are men who know they have risks but they still have sex, if not with one partner that was unprotected, it's with more than two partners, either male or female, often under the influence of drugs and alcohol," she said.

For male adolescents and teenagers, the liking for a partner of the same sex, just for kicks, is common, and so are parties and orgies. Smoking, drinking and drugs are fixtures. In some cases, older men initiate the risky practices to the young.

"I often tell my patients, you should be scared, not other people," Mendoza said.

The clinic staff even handles "double burden" personal problems when it comes to a patient's disclosure of his medical status to his family of a practice still taboo in the country.

Evolving norm

Tayag said the shift in the mode of transmission was reflective of the evolving sexual norm.
"It is possible that same sex experience is enjoyed as an alternative behavior to opposite sex relationships either influenced by peers or by society's permissiveness," he said.

He said more studies were needed to reveal factors that influence this sexual norm. According to one such study in 2004, males are traditionally privileged in Filipino society and they have more sexual choices and freedom than women.

Men can have multiple identities, from highly masculine men whose primary sexual partners are women, through gay and bisexual men, to transgenders.

The study said prevention programs had often been limited by lack of understanding of the behaviors of different MSM subgroups and of the impact of those behaviors on the dynamics of HIV infection.

The settings are reflected in the 2002 Young Adult Fertility and Sexuality Survey of 20,000 15-27 year olds that found out that twice as many males had had premarital sex compared to females (31 percent as against 16 percent).

It also revealed that 15.1 percent of sexually active males have had male partners.

Likewise, a health department and Family Health International study showed that 11 percent of 1,204 men in the general population had multiple sexual partners in the previous six months.
Dr. Ofelia Monzon, who pioneered the first medical studies of HIV and AIDS in the Philippines through the Research Institute for Tropical Medicine, saw this epidemic earlier.

"Some of the men labeled MSM do have sex with females, showing a possible route for spread to others outside the group and so on," she said.

According to Tayag, risky behavior often outweighs knowledge and awareness, citing results of a UN survey in the Philippines indicating that MSM have basic knowledge of sexually transmitted infections such as HIV.

Only two out of five men used a condom with their most recent sex partner but the use varied with consensual sex and paid sex.

Counseling on Internet

Providing information alone requires complementary efforts in reaching out to target populations such as MSM.

In Davao City, the NGO Wo/Men's Access to Vital Education and Services (WAVES) is implementing HIV and AIDS counseling through Internet live chat and it is able to touch base with MSM.

John Roxas, executive director, said most of his organization's MSM chatters were struggling with their emotions and ideas about their sexuality.

For a few who have come to terms with it, they believe they are men who happen to like and prefer to have sex with other men, Roxas said. Some have issues about "letting the girl in them but remain manly looking."

The Internet is a good instrument to build rapport and a trusting relationship for both the MSM and counselors, Roxas said, encouraging local government units and NGOs to use this.
"The message has always been safer sex—correct and consistent use of condom with all sex partners," he said.

Monzon lamented the gradual demise of many NGOs involved in prevention over the past years, pointing to constraints in effective public health programs.

"Public health prevention, such as AIDS control, require a strong interest on the part of those involved in public health, the financial support necessary for the institution of measures required, and the ability of health administrators to elicit budgetary support." she said.

"The continuing emphasis on low and slow infection prevalence has detracted from the important observation that HIV infection is present in the Philippines, has been present for more than 20 years, and that efforts to maintain low numbers require continuing and intensive prevention efforts in order to keep those numbers low."

--
--------------------------------------------
blog: www.fullman..com.ph
--------------------------------------------
www.akbayan.org

Concerto

2008-11-16T16:07:00.004+08:00

"CONCERTO" Opens November 19 Glorietta 4, SM North Edsa, SM Megamall, SM South Mall and IndieSine, Robinsons Galleria.
Website: http://www.digitalspiritfilms.com/
Trailer: www.youtube.com/arthmael69
----------------------------------

“Concerto” Graded “A” by the CEB from http://www.pep.ph/guide/2924/Concerto-graded-A-by-CEB

Last November 11, the Cinema Evaluation Board graded the indie feature Concerto an "A," granting it a 100% tax rebate based on its artistic and technical merits.

The first full-length film of filmmaker Paul Alexander Morales, Concerto has previously been heralded as an "ambitious historical film" and its theme is an execution that departs from the usual indie film fare. Concerto is one of the first Filipino films to focus on the war experience in Mindanao.

The film, set in Davao City in 1944, stars Jay Aquitania, Meryll Soriano, Shamaine Buencamino, Nonoy Froilan and Ynna Asistio. It also features a Japanese ensemble cast that include Hiro Sakoda, Masaya Okazawa, and Kazumi Yoshida.

It also features "Niña's Theme" composed by the director's grandmother Norma Campo Ezpeleta as well as other works by Abelardo, Beethoven, Brahms, Schumann-Liszt. It also has piano performances by Meryll Soriano, Ynna Asistio, Abby Clutario, NAMCYA winner Stephanie Cruz, 2007 Aliw Awardee Mary Anne Espina, and musical director Jed Balsamo.

The limited release of Concerto begins on November 19 and will take place in five cinemas: Glorietta 4, SM North Edsa, SM Megamall, SM South Mall and IndieSine, Robinsons Galleria.

Concerto's release heralds the wider showing of the acclaimed Cinemalaya 2008 films, with limited runs of Boses, 100 and Jay scheduled in the last quarter of 2008.

Concerto is also scheduled to be shown in Davao City in December 2008, where it has been invited to be the opening film of the annual Mindanao Film Festival on December 14 at the Gaisano Mall Cinemas. A limited run in SM Davao is also expected to take place soon.

Based on a true story, Concerto is about the experiences of Direk Paul's ancestors during World War II. When the Japanese invade their area, the family is forced to live in the forest and leave behind their beloved piano. Through the power of music, the family befriend a group of Japanese soldiers stationed nearby--allowing them to survive the ordeals of war.----------------------------------

Concerto trailers can be viewed at www.youtube.com/arthmael69 Cinemalaya presents Concerto, released by Digital Spirit Films, Solito Arts, Casa San Miguel and Digibox Audio Visual productions in cooperation with the National Commission on Culture and the Arts and the Film Development Council of the Philippines. The film’s producers include; Dr. Emmanuel Barias, Susan Morales Barias, Dr. Enrique Ostrea, Fely Yap, Mitzi Gutana Triska, Maria Virginia Morales, Claudine Najera, Erwin Navarro and Viking Logarta.

Survivor

2008-11-14T11:39:00.004+08:00

I am an avid fan of Survivor Philippines. As of today, there are only eight remaining castaways in the island. Here are their thoughts in Filipino:

Kung ako si Marlon, dedemonyuhin ko si Zita habang wala ang apat na Naak na iboto si Rob o si JC sa TC. Mukhang ang ispirito ni Kiko ay napunta kay JC. Sasabihin ko na wala naman syang laban kina Rob, JC, at Cris pag final four na. Pero wag lang syang maingay at magsumbong o i exagg ang ibubulong ko. Dadagdagan ko na ako na ang gagawa ng mga pagsisipag nya sa Camp. Hehe.Di ko na kukumbinsihin sina Cris at Kaye pagbalik nila. Mukhang nahikayat sila ni JC. Pero pag-iisipan ko pa kung anong diskarte. Nagugutom ako eh. Kulang ang natagong ulam ni Rob dun sa niluto namin.Makausap nga si Zita ng masinsinan para bumait sa akin at mawala ang tampo. Sasabihin ko kawawa naman sya at iniwan ni JC. Iboto nya si JC sa susunod. Hehe.

Kung ako si Zita, magtatampo ako kay JC. Sabi pa naman nya isasama nya ako sa Reward Challenge. Baka spa na. Di sya tumupad sa usapan Day. Aysus!Kapag kinausap ako ni Marlon, sasabihin ko rin na masama loob ko kay JC. Sya na iboto ko sa susunod? Tutal wala naman syang isang salita. Buti pa ito si Marlon, mukhang may simpatya sa mga pektyurs ng mga anak ko.Mga anak ko lang iniisip ko. Namimiss ko sila. Wala naman akong boyfriend o asawa kasi.

Diyos ko day! Magapatuka na lang gyud ako sa halas.

Kung ako si Charisse, hay naku nhakakainis hah. Si Rob pa shinama ni JC sa Reward. They’re super close ha. As in. Khainis.Kashi naman tong si Rob, di naman sya deserving noh na ishama uli ni JC. Why not me naman? Saka madugas talaga si Rob ‘no. Nagtago pa ng food sa kanin! My Ghad! Mauubusan ba sha?I so deserve to be there in the rewards. Di na nga ako nakakain ng lechon nhun, pinatakam na naman ako kanina. kainis ever.Hmp! I will surely vote for Rob sa TC. Pi flirt ako sa kanya para kunyari di sya ivo vote ko. Gaya ng ginawa ko kay Kiko. I will let Marlon work it out with nay Zita muna. I’ll let him do the dirty works ha. Ako naman makikinabang in the end, dib ha? Iboboto ko kung sino feel nya talaga. As in.Haay! Musta na kaya si Kiko>? I mish him na.

Kung ako si Vern, sobrang dadamihan ko na lang ang kain ng kanin para sa next TC. Kung puede lang talagang i vote na si Marlon kaso may alliance kaming mga taga Jarakay. Tahimik lang muna ako. Ang goal ko, manalo sa bawat IC. Mapanatili under the radar. Hayaang si Marlon at Charisse ang magtrabaho.Pero sana andito pa si Jace. Kaso di sya kaagad nag strategize nung merge. Hay sayang. Sana TC na para makita ko uli sya.Definitely si Rob or si JC ang iboboto ko. Kung ano ang sabihin ni Marlon. Pero pano kung si Marlon ang matanggal? Dapat siguro maglinis na ako ng katawan kasi ako na ang magiging pinakamabaho.

Punta na nga ako sa dagat para maligo.

Kung ako si Cris, wag lang magagalit ang tatay ko, sori sa kanya talaga at binoto ko si Kiko. Kasi naman di ba sabi nila meron kaming Four da boys tapos yung ginawang boy si Nanay Zita. Okey naman sana yun pero gusto ko ring makapag spa.saka mas malaki ang tsans ko na manalo na wala si Kiko. Bilib pa nga sila na di ako ang bumoto dun.sa susunod, puede nang alisin si Marlon. ibang klase rin ang amoy eh. kahit naman ako namamasada ng jeep di ako bumaho ng ganun. para naman makaligo sya.Magtatapat na ako kay JC. Dinala naman nya kami ni Kaye dito eh. Ang sarap pa naman mag snorkle. First time ko. Di ko akalain na magagawa ko ito. Tay, tingnan mo kung pano ako mag swim. Nang dahil sa survivor nakakapag english tuloy ako. Hehe.Sarap maligo sa sea!

Kung ako si Rob, p*t%#g-*na naman pare, ako tumupad naman talaga ako sa usapan ng Naak di ba? all out support ako kahit na may tampo ako kay Kiko. Tapos bibigyan ako ng black pearl? F**K! syet!ang alam ko may traydor talaga sa amin. kaya dapat di na ako papetik petik sa IC. baka ako na matanggal.alam ko si JC solid, dalawang beses na akong sinama sa reward. si nay zita rin solid Naak yun. dideskartehan ko na lang uli si kaye na dapat si marlon ang iboto. at si Cris, sasabihin ko, kaming tatlo na ang final three nina JC.pag ako nanalo sa IC, t%*g-i%*! titigan ko ng matindi si Kiko sa TC para iparating na bwiset ako sa kanya, man!wait, nasan na ba ang black pearl? Baka naiwan ko dun sa kanin kung san ko itinago ang ulam. Patay!

Kung ako si Kaye, di naman talaga ako tatamad tamad sa Camp ah. saka may silbi din ako kahit papano no?Sino kaya iboboto ko? Yaiiks! niyakap ko pa si Marlon kanina.Pero happy naman ako kay JC na sinama nya ako finally sa reward. akala ko mas happy sya na isama si Nay Zita. Touch talaga ako. Pa-hug naman JC.Di ko muna sila ivo vote. Si Rob kaya? Pero lapit sya ng lapit sa akin dito sa swimming. Di tuloy ako makalapit kay JC.Nagi guilty rin naman ako na binoto ko si Kiko. But kailangan maging fair naman sa lahat ang chance na manalo. Pero ngayong medyo fair na, si Marlon na lang siguro.

Galit kaya sa akin si Kiko?Gusto ko ring mag-isip ng tama, ku convince ko sina Charisse, Vern, at nay Zita na mag form ng all-girl alliance. apat kami versus tatlo sina Rob, Cris, at JC. Kaso, maiisip ko kaya uli yun pagdating sa camp? dito lang lumilinaw ang brain ko sa lambot ng kama dito sa resort. Hay sarap!

Kung ako si JC, wow pare dalawang reward challenges pinanalunan ko. Mabuti naisip ko kaagad na sina Kaye at Cris ang isama. Tingin ko kasi sila ang bumoto against Kiko. kailangang mag step up ako since wala na si pareng Kiko. Di lang ako magpapahalata para sana under the radar lang. kaso knowing Marlon, baka ako ang isunod nya.Okey naman na hindi ako masyadong pumapapel kasi di ako nabanatan kaagad sa RC kahapon. Pasensya na lang kay Nay Zita at di naisama sa Reward pero mapagkakatiwalaan ko sya na di magpapabuyo kay Marlon. Sana lang tama ang strategy ko.Kailangang i solidify uli ang Naak. Di kasi kami nag strategize nang mabuti last time. Natanggal tuloy si Kiko.Our goal for this IC ay si Marlon. Pero pag nanalo sya, si Vern siguro. Malakas na kalaban sya, i admit. ngayon pa lang alisin na.Hope ko lang na this time tama na ang naging desisyun ko. At baka nga, tama ang haka-haka na ako ang first Sole Survivor ng SP.

Who are you among the final eight?

I will survive

2008-11-13T10:25:00.005+08:00

Dearest Beektur,

Yes, the birthday has passed. Thank you for remembering that we're both Scorpios. Maybe that is the reason why I am still a romantic although not in a mere romance with someone.

The birthday celebration was more quiet this time than the previous years. There was no big party with a videoke or swimming party in a resort. It was spent drinking a few beers with a few friends from the salon neighborhood.

I met three of our batchmates from our TLF workshop way back in 1998 when we were so much younger, a few days before my birthday. Kristi visited last Friday, pissed off that his ipod shuffle was stolen inside his apartment, probably by one of his many boys. Kristi works in a call center now and resides in Bayanan. He used to live in Laguna.

Before I went home last Friday, Paige treated me with dinner at the Old Spaghetti House in Waltermart, Makati. He worked in his native Batanes for more than a year and just returned to the big city a few monts ago. He is so muscled now because of all the boat rowing that he does. He told me that he got so big, as in fat, when he was in Batanes because of all the drinking so he has to tow again.

On Saturday night, my visitor is Bona who just returned a few weeks ago from the States where he stayed for more than a year. He almost married his partner in California. He still lives in Bacoor.

We are planning to meet on Saturday night to relive the old times in Malate. One of our facilitators in the TLF workshop is visiting the country. Al lives in Australia now. Hopefully, all other batchmates who I am in contact with will be there also.

We will miss you as always, Beektur.

If I am not mistaken, we were 28 participants in that TLF batch. One has died because of AIDS. He had HIV when he attended the workshop. We were not told but when we knew we just accepted the fact that he had it. It was a part of his life and we would never discriminate against him if we have known.

I remember being so afraid of the disease. I kept thinking what if I already got it and I did not know. I do not want to know.

Until now, I don't. I'm still promiscuous. Although I practice safe sex, in few instances, I was not safe. This has continued to make me afraid about testing myself.

One of our consultants told me yesterday that the number of MSMs who have HIV has increased over the past few years. He has seen yuppies being treated at San Lazaro. He added that there were no parloristas seeking treatment.

I answered him, what if the parloristas don't know about these tests. Do they even know how to practice safe sex?

I'm afraid not. A lot of my friends in the Alabang neighborhood just do it nonchalantly. The disease is the farthest from their minds when they are doing it.

I just hope that we will survive our ignorance and non-vigilance. It is time to act.

Time is precious. Life is short.

With much love,

M

...first i was afraid, i was petrified...

On the tequila

2008-11-03T14:16:00.003+08:00

It is dangerous living, my dear Beektur. I guess I haven’t learned. I am still in awe of life and continue to gamble mine.

Here is a list of them in the last 10 days.

25 Oct - Bishop

26 Oct – Mack, Edsel

28 Oct - Chip

29 Oct - Cap

30 Oct - PS

1 Nov - RJ

2 Nov - Mack

I am turning a year older, but never the wiser.

Big girls don't cry

2008-10-30T11:21:00.002+08:00

It is one of the biggest I have seen in my life. And yet it almost went all the way in. Or maybe it did.

I was drunk. I wouldn’t know.

The act is a whirl of pushing, licking, holding, sucking, and pulling body parts. The aftermath is a blur. All I remember now is that I just teased him while we were drinking with a group of friends that his is the biggest of them all.

And he proved to me that he is.

Again

2008-10-29T10:56:00.002+08:00

I slept with Chip again last night. The last time we were together was four months ago in Linden Suites where I had a suite room just for myself.

He asked me where I was last night and I texted back, “why do you want to meet me?”

I was feeling low and I missed him in a way, so I agreed for us to meet when he said that he wanted to see me.

I met him at around 9.45 PM after my coffee thing with Misyu. He was waiting in the vicinity of SM Makati. I was coming in from Starbucks Shangrila Mall through the MRT.

I wanted to ask him while I was in the MRT if he would be willing to sleep in Alabang. I was unable to ask the question because he immediately walked toward the bus stop when he saw me.

We talked about a lot of things along the way and while drinking beer inside the Salon. A few minutes after midnight, we finished the beer and went inside the bedroom.

I realized that I have missed his body while we were having sex. I missed the noise he makes during the act. I missed the creaminess of his skin.

He woke up at 5:30 AM to go to work this morning. I accompanied him to the gate of the building and waved goodbye.

I just wish that I would not let four months to pass by to invite him again.

Not as we

2008-10-27T11:07:00.006+08:00

Earlier this season, I thought that we are together. I believe I was wrong in concluding that we were an item. It’s just that I never expected something to happen between us. You were just someone who I have known last February. Yes, we were hanging out but not as often. I even joked that we became just text mates after not seeing each other for the longest time since I have been out of Manila often from March to June.

I guess, it just had to happen. You, texting me one moment that you wanted to see me not in one of the bars in Festival mall, but at home, in my room in the Salon. I was kinda quiet when I met up with you near the Iglesia ni Kristo Church in Ilaya. It was deep in the night. Only a few people were roaming the street.

We proceeded home and tried to talk about things. But I knew what you came for that night. And after a few sips of Red Horse beer. We stopped the DVD player, and kissed each other longingly. I turned off the light and made love with you. Yes, made love, because I felt happy when it was happening after the whole Abe brouhaha.

You left after breakfast the next day.

You returned the next Thursday and shared the night again with me. That was the time that I was nursing a very hot body temperature. And you never seemed to mind. You slept with me naked again until 5 am when you have to wake up, return home, and go to work.

We met on the third time a week after. I was trying to chase RJ during that night in Bayanan. I was with Kristi and he introduced me to this gorgeous boy. But you texted at 10:30 PM and I have to drop everything and see you.

We end up not seeing each other for four weeks after that rendezvous. The first Saturday after that third meeting, you said you just have to meet your friends that night even if we have agreed to meet earlier. I was hurt and angry at you that night. So I picked up someone from my friend Angie’s house and had sex with that person.

The next Saturday, you arrived just outside the Salon but did not call my name. I was inside my room, waiting for you. Yet you returned to Cupang and said that we meet the next day. I was more disappointed that time than the week before. I was even more hurt and longed for you more. And so even if JJ came knocking in and spent the night with me, it was you and your lithe body that I was thinking of.

I went home to Sorsogon the week after without telling you. You sent me text messages when I was already dead drunk at home sleeping, if I would still meet you that Saturday night. I sent a message the day after explaining myself but without telling you that I was in Bicol. I wanted to exact revenge because you have stood me up twice. I also wanted to know if I would miss you.

I did. So I agreed to meet you again last Saturday. You arrived at past 1.30 AM. I waited for you just outside the 24 hour bakery shop near Alabang General Hospital. We almost walked in silence. You were asking if I was with some friends. I said no.

We have not finished the Red Horse beer litro that I bought when you said that we go inside my room because you missed my massage. I gulped down the last shot of beer and indulged you.

The next day, you joked that indeed I have missed you. You felt it you said because I was almost not letting go.

I thought to myself that I felt different this time. I have accepted that our connection is not going to be a relationship. It will just be sex.

Did I understand it too late? You were afraid that someone you know might see us together so you have to sneak in out of your house and meet me clandestinely somewhere where no one could see us together. You kept asking if I have friends with me because you also do not want them to know that you are seeing me.

We would never be able to go out in a real date together. So I accepted that you would just be one of the guys who I sleep with every now and then.

The sooner that I accept that fact, the better it would be for my ego. I should stop missing you. I should stop thinking that we are a pair. We will never be one.

I, will just be one person for now, until your text for our next Saturday tryst.

Dive (Redux)

2008-10-14T15:44:00.004+08:00

I’m diving in I’m going deep in over my head I want to be Caught in the rush lost in the flow in over my head I want to go The river’s deep the river’s wide the river’s water is alive So sink or swim I’m diving in
- Steven Curtis Chapman

We just finished our dive this morning assessing the condition of coral reefs in the bay nearest to the Port of the Princess' mouth. The last site was quite good. I guess the ban on compressor fishing in the city is working.

After the dive when I get into the pump boat from the water, I received a text that my dentist has died of heart attack. He was just a year older than me. It kinda bummed me because last night Jake was texting me saying his right ear was aching and his right eye down to his left shoulder were numbed. I asked Doc Bong and he said it might be facial hemiparesis or a stroke. Wow.

It has been more than two hours now since I began browsing my files and boy do I look fat now. I was very slim six months ago. I looked insane. Maybe that was the reason a lot of people thought then that I was taking drugs.

I only have a month before my contract ends with my project. I am considering a job in one of the call centers in Alabang. I promise I’ll do that to continue supporting myself and my lifestyle. If not, I have to do some drastic decisions like closing the shoppe, selling the tricycle, giving up love. And sex?

We will see.

(posted on 10 October 2005)
--------

This was my blog entry three years ago. I was in Puerto Princesa then, spending the last 45 days of my assignment as a regional adviser/trainer in my last Project. I have never been back to that place since then. In fact, my last foray into diving was during that stint. I have to dive again.

I will be going home on Friday to Sorsogon to visit my family. I need time to think. I am falling for Bishop. I feel that I need and at the same time I do not need this. This could be a heartbreaking experience again. Remember Jake?

But Bishop is single, younger, and saner I think. Except that he stood me up last Saturday. And I was the stupid drunk texting back why he never called my name when he was already outside the gate of the shoppe. And I was inside my room waiting.

Good thing there was JJ who called for me at the same spot an hour after. JJ, who is almost 18, and more good looking than Bishop. The bad thing is that it is Bishop that I am still missing.

So I am going home, perhaps, to dive deeper into the Pacific. But maybe, just to be lost with the waves in Dancalan beach.

Giggling again for no reason

2008-10-06T10:40:00.005+08:00

I'm thinking about you most of the time, Bishop. Oh how I wonder if you think of me, too.

I melt with you

2008-09-03T11:32:00.006+08:00

Moving forward using all my breath
Making love to you was never second best
I saw the world thrashing all around your face
Never really knowing it was always mesh and lace

I’ll stop the world and melt with you
You’ve seen the difference and it’s getting better all the time
There’s nothing you and I won’t do
I’ll stop the world and melt with you

(you should know better)
Dream of better lives the kind which never hate
(you should see why)
Dropped in the state of imaginary grace
(you should know better)
I made a pilgrimage to save this humans race
(you should see why)
What I’m comprehending a race that long gone bye

(I’ll stop the world) I’ll stop the world and melt with you
(I’ll stop the world) you’ve seen the difference and it’s getting better all the time
(let’s stop the world) there’s nothing you and I won’t do
(let’s stop the world) I’ll stop the world and melt with you

The future’s open wide

Last night we had our final meeting before our high school batch reunion later this week. There were already five classmates in Cibo when I arrived at half past 7 PM. Our main man, IC, was not around yet because he later reasoned out that the call time I announced was at 8 PM.

We were discussing the program for the night when one of the guys said that Abe would be dropping by in a little bit. My heart skipped several beats as my mind raced toward several conclusions for the night.

Abe is my major crush nowadays. Yes, I am still seeing Banjo despite the age difference. But Abe totally blows my mind even if I think he does not really know how I feel for him.

Back in high school, he was one of those cool guys which I do not really interact with. I remember him taking a shower back in second year when our batch was on a field trip in Villa Escudero. He was totally naked.

That image did not leave my memory bank. I have forgotten so many things that happened in high school but that scene has been imprinted in my mind like a tattoo.

Actually, this crush started when I learned from the gossip line of our batch that he is now gay. I could not believe it really. But if he is, I thought to myself, I have a chance in dating him.

I cannot confirm if the rumor is true but he looked hot when I was able to listen to him share a high school experience in January when he visited from Europe and our batch had a get together for him. Too bad, I was with Chip that night so I did not stay long.

We were debating later about awarding a girl and a boy classmate with the “Crush ng Bayan” award or the I Melt With You Award. We have patterned the awards with 80s song titles.

Abe arrived and I almost lost my breathe. (Cue Take my Breathe Away by Berlin here). Maybe he knows about what I am feeling for him already because he seemed to be avoiding my eyes the entire time that he was there.

That did not bother me because what is important is that he is here and there is time to party with him on Friday.

(let’s stop the world) I’ll stop the world and melt with you
(let’s stop the world) I’ve seen some changes but it’s getting better all the time
(let’s stop the world) there’s nothing you and I won’t do
(let’s stop the world) I’ll stop the world and melt with youThe future’s open wide

Hmmm hmmm hmmm
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm
Hmmm hmmm hmmm
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm

I’ll stop the world and melt with you (let’s stop the world)
You’ve seen the difference and it’s getting better all the time (let’s stop the world)
There’s nothing you and I won’t do (let’s stop the world)
I’ll stop the world and melt with you (let’s stop the world)
I’ll stop the world and melt with you (let’s stop the world)
I’ll stop the world and melt with you (let’s stop the world)
- Modern English

Ang araw na ito (This day)

2008-08-29T19:47:00.007+08:00

Ang araw na 'to, ay araw mo,
Pagdating mo sa ating mundo,
Natatandaan, di malilimutan,
Kailan man, kailan man

Lahat nagbago sa araw na 'to,
Pagdating mo sa buhay ko,
Lahat sumaya, buhay ko'y nag-iba
Happy birthday

Ang saya ng mundo, ngayong ikaw ay narito, oh
I wish you a happy birthday…
Happy birthday
- Nina

It was Banjo’s birthday yesterday. But I did not go to his party to celebrate it with him. Although he wanted me to be there, I was just not ready to face his parents.

Banjo is only 18 years old. I am in my 30s and at the back of mind, there is the nagging feeling that if I am straight and got some girl pregnant in my teens, he might be the same age as my son.

I met Banjo two weeks ago in the Salon. He was with three other friends. One of his friends came on to me but he was not my type and it was just 1 pm in the afternoon. Sex while the sun is still high up in the sky is not one of my favorite things to do in my free time.

The haggling went for more than an hour until a bottle of Matador was bought and shared at the back of the shop. When I got tipsy, I started flirting with Banjo. We both gave in to the desire lighted by the bullfighter in the alcohol.

We had sex, which was quite good, and he was already offering relationship.

But you are too young! I told him. Let’s just play along where this would lead us.

He agreed.

I was contented with him at first because he is sweet and it felt good caressing his luminous brown body. It has been too long since someone's hands touched me the way he did. But our age difference bugged everytime he goes home after sharing my bed.

So I decided not to go to the party. He was disappointed and stopped texting.

Older

2008-08-28T16:26:00.008+08:00

I should have known
It seemed too easy
You were there
And I was breathing blue

Strange
Don’t you think I’m
looking older?
But something good has
happened to me
Change is a stranger
You have yet to know

Well you’re out of time
I’m letting go
You’ll be fine
Well that much I know
You’re out of time
I’m letting go
I’m not the man you want
- George Michael

Last night, I was with Rogue and other friends from Agape, our defunct support group. Agape was formed in the mid-1990s by a group of friends and was open to people who have open mind and were free every Tuesday night. I became a member of the group in January 1997 because of Beektur. It was during those Tuesday nights where I learned to fully accept myself.

The sessions ended in 1998 when the owner of the house where the meetings were held fell in love. It was one of the topics last night when we had a get together dinner for AJ who was just in for a short visit from the US. AJ used to be in a five-year relationship with Rick who was also there.

Aside from the four of us, also present were Diosa, the magnanimous guardian of the Marinduque Island, Ted, a single father of an adopted 19 year old girl, Debs, Rogue’s best friend, and Ross, a part-time hair dresser. Paige did not make it to the meeting with his usual excuse, which we all agreed was just that, an excuse.

We are all ten years older.

Rogue, who I was in a relationship with circa 1997, asked me while we were having our meal at Crustacia in Shangrila Mall, why I do not write in my blog anymore.

I reasoned out that I have been very busy the past year. I was promoted in February 2007 and I was given a lot of work to do. I just have a little slack time today which is the reason why I was able to write this entry.

I did not tell him that I fell in love with Chip, the secret boyfriend of a close friend. When I realized that he was just into our sex experiments, I stopped seeing him. Plus I did not want my friend to be hurt. He is now madly in love with Chip.

Rogue used to read my blog and so did AJ. I decided that maybe I should start writing again. Maybe not as often like I used to; but I could squeeze some time to update my friends of what is happening with me even if there is a proliferation of social networks out there.

So, here I am again in this journey with you dear readers. I am almost five years older since my first entry here. A lot of things had happened. A lot of things will be happening still.

By the way, I am still single after all these years. Haha.

(Nice to see you all again Rogue, AJ, Rick, Debs, Diosa, Ross, and Ted. You know who you are.) :)

Music and me (reprise)

2008-07-22T14:17:00.000+08:00

22. I was at the reunion concert of Eraserheads with my cousins and I felt short-changed when the gig end early because of Ely’s heart condition. I am asking myself if I should watch their concert in March. I remember watching their concert after Circus came out in the Folk Arts Theater. Sam, Aris, and James were with me. It was the night when I realized to shift my time to someone who is kinder, sweeter, and gentler. Long live f_cking Ely!

Music and me

2008-06-24T14:15:00.000+08:00

21. Other musicians I like and sometimes listen to: Coldplay, Sting, Everything but the Girl, Bjork, Simply Red, REM, Cyndi Lauper, Petshop Boys, Alanis Morisette, Alicia Keys, Eraserheads, True Faith, Joey Ayala, John Mayer, Eurythmics, Incubus, Sarah Mclachlan, Sade, the Outfields, Hale, Robbie Williams, and several others who I will add as I remember them.

Music and me (intro)

2008-05-14T14:14:00.001+08:00

20. U2, along with Tears for Fears, is a favorite band of mine although I do not have the whole collection of their albums. In high school, I requested JLP, my classmate who got my name in our Kris Kringle to gift me with the albums Joshua Tree by U2 and Solitude Standing by Suzanne Vega during the final gift giving at the class Christmas Party. Those tapes were still working until now. I remember lip-synching to Solitude Standing in our dorm room. If only the internet and youtube had existed back then, our creative dorm life would have given us a lot of opportunities to show off.

I'm me

2008-04-21T14:12:00.000+08:00

19. As with a lot of people who grew up in the 80s, the kind of music and the singers and bands I like were mostly influenced by Jingle magazine. I read their reviews and if it was said there that the album of this singer or that band was great, I would buy the album. This was the case with my relationship with Tori Amos. Jingle raved about her in the early 90s so I bought her first album. I fell in love with her music since then.

Don't you forget about me (reprise)

2008-03-04T14:11:00.000+08:00

18. I was elected President of the College Student Council in college. I think I won not because my plans for the college were better than the senior who opposed me, but because I sang during our room to room campaign. The song was Closer You and I by Gino Padilla. I had a crush on my running mate who won as the Vice-President. She was the only girl that I liked in college. I wrote a poem for her anonymously when we were sophomores. I dropped my poem in a dedication box during the school fair hoping that she would be able to read it. She had a boyfriend then. When we were about to graduate, she cornered me and told me there was one thing that she wanted to know from me. She was about to ask something when we were disturbed by some of our friends. I was smiling at her when she looked back as she joined her classmates into their next class. We have not talked about it until we graduated. I haven’t seen her since then.

Don't you forget about me

2008-02-24T14:11:00.000+08:00

17. A few times I have been lucky to escape an accident. In high school, Wan grabbed my hands to prevent me from slamming into a speeding car in EDSA just in front of NEPA Q-Mart. We just came from the post office beside Ramon Magsaysay High School to get my monthly allowance from my parents. When I was in college, I chose not to sit and eat my dinner near the juke box inside my boarding house’s canteen. The song it was playing was Tracy Chapman’s Fast Car. I have not sat long when suddenly the old and rusty chandelier in the ceiling fell down and crashed on the table where I was supposed to sit. I have not forgotten Tracy’s song since then.

Me (reprise)

2008-01-04T14:10:00.000+08:00

16. I am close with a number of my batch mates in elementary school. (Usher and Ursula, remember our Masacrot Spring swimming picnics?) During vacations in high school, I would go home and forget about my dorm life. In my hometown, our playground was not bounded by walls shared with Agham Road, the Ninoy Aquino Parks and Wild Life, and Children’s Museum and National Library. My town is instead kissed by the vastness of the Pacific Ocean and the dignity of a majestic volcano. We would go swimming to its beaches and rivers and climb mountains to attend barrio fiesta celebrations. One time in May, we went to a fiesta in the farthest barrio by riding a motorized banca. It rained while we were at sea. The waves became bigger than the usual small bumps. It felt like riding an octopus where you get swirled and tossed. The girls in the boat were praying the rosary while some of us almost embraced the rawness of nature as we noisily whirred toward the land. The ride felt like a life time. And we were all expressively relieved that we arrived at the barrio safe just in time for the evening dance.

Semi charmed life

2007-12-19T15:20:00.001+08:00

Misyu, my bestfriend, sent me a text message last night to relay his shock over the death of Ernest Santiago, fashion and furniture designer, lifestyle icon. He insinuated that perhaps Ernest was a victim of a 'pick-up' murder.

I remember Ernest telling us years ago when during our road trip to Laguna we stopped at his 88 Gallery and Restaurant in Pagsanjan, that we should have our own lifestyle even if we're poor and disadvantaged. He did not say that we are poor. But i thought that to enjoy a lifestyle, one ought to have money. Ernest stressed that it should not be so. Budget is irrelevant to a lifestyle. There are so many things in life that are still free.

That was a memorable stopover at his place. He opened the door to his house just beside the restaurant where I took a glimpse of an indoor shower without a wall separating it from the lawn for the very first time. I had taken a video of that visit but it was in the old video8 format. With me, were Juniper, Misyu, Rayne, and Dollar.

I am glad that I was able to meet Ernest while he was still living. It just sad that he died so early and in a violent way at that.

...The sky was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it through it my nose
And I wish it could get back there
Some place back there
Smiling in the pictures you would take
Doing crystal meth will lift you up until you break
It won't stop, I won't come down
I keep stock with a tick-tock rhythm and a bump for the drop
And then I bumped up, I took the hit that I was given
Then I bumped again,
And then I bumped again,
How do I get back there
To the place where I fell asleep inside you?
How do I get myself back to the place

The place where you said
I want something else to get me through this semi-charmed kind of life
I want something else, I'm not listening when you say good-bye...
- Third Eye Blind

New beginning

2007-12-17T14:13:00.002+08:00

The whole world’s broke and it ain’t worth fixing
It’s time to start all over, make a new beginning
There’s too much pain, too much suffering
Let’s resolve to start all over make a new beginning

Now, don’t get me wrong I love life and living
But when you wake up and look around at everything that’s going down all wrong
You see we need to change it now, this world with too few happy endings
We can resolve to start all over make a new beginning

Start all over
Start all over
Start all over
Start all over…

The world is broken into fragments and pieces
That once were joined together in a unified whole
But now too many stand alone there’s too much separation
We can resolve to come together in the new beginning

We can break the cycle – we can break the chain
We can start all over – in the new beginning
We can learn, we can teach
We can share the myths the dream the prayer
The notion that we can do better
Change our lives and paths
Create a new world
- Tracy Chapman

I think I am falling for Chip, one of Yu’s boyfriends. I had a great time last night because he slept at the shop.

Soft serve

2007-12-14T10:30:00.000+08:00

The body like soft serve, dripping down in the June sun,
I tried to shoot a thought, but the thought sunk.
Nothing to do but scratch words in the dirt and
Watch the water roll down.

Phantom kisses buzzing like the insects.
Beads of sweat dripping down on the rent check.
My Candyland melted down to syrup while I
Watched the water roll down.

hey the lust comes into phaze,
but you're down in Marietta.
So sweet my mouth was seared,
But the words you mouthed were sweeter.
- Soul Coughing

It's hard to ignore the fact that a lot of men, mostly teenagers, are doing it now. I remember that my experience with it flourished in July 1995. (My first was with Mel in 1992). I was on my way to Manila from Tacloban in a work related engagement. I chose to stay for a few days in my hometown to meet some friends.

I have been cooped up for more than two weeks with my colleagues who didn’t really know who I was that I started thinking that maybe I changed. I had a crush on a girl colleague and maybe my lifestyle would have a 180 degree turn.

I kept thinking about the change in the bus ride from Tacloban to my hometown. But the world turned back around when I reached home. It was the day after the town Fiesta. My best friend Ursula invited me to go to their house. Some friends from nearby towns were staying with him. Ursula’s mother died in June 1995 so he was basically alone in the house.

There were boys in their teens in the house with Ursula and our friends. Diday, asked me if I want to be ‘serviced’. I asked him what he meant by ‘serviced’. Diday told me pointblank that the kid would do to me what I normally would do to the kid. Was I game? I nodded.

I think it was in 1995 that Diday started teaching a lot of boys to serve our sector in the population of our hometown. It became part of the coming home experience for us who are working in the city during vacations. The parade of boys changed year after year after year. They have done it and they moved on. It seemed that doing it did not really affect them.

When I opened the shop in 2003, the practice was not as pervasive as in my hometown. But recently, the boys of Alabang have caught up. I started thinking of why this has happened. Did the gays force the change? Is it because of the volatility of the market-consumer relationship? Many gays seem to prefer service boys. Their reason is mainly because they are paying, they deserve the pampering. Most of my friends say that in Filipino this way, “Ikaw na nga magbabayad, ikaw pa ang magpapagod.”

I also am thinking that maybe it is poverty and materialism that drive these boys to do it. It is easy money for them. And with the proliferation of video game arcades, internet cafes, billiard halls, plus the popularity of mobile phones, the easy accessibility of drugs, these people from poor to middle income families have no choice but to find income where they think they will not be affected much. “It was just sex and it was even fun.”

Wrong. These kids don’t know the danger of unsafe sex. I am afraid that someday, contrary to the Philippine trend in HIV cases (very very few), new cases will shoot up with most of the affected coming from these boys who play with the big girls.

The war song

2007-12-05T11:04:00.000+08:00

Last night, there was a war fought inside my bedroom. I was not part of any faction, but just an observer with snide remarks thrown at both of the fighting sides.

The first side was Joan's.

When I arrived at the shop at 11 pm, I was met by Joan and Melai outside the gate of the apartment. Joan, talking nonstop, told me about this certain boy who they were trying to find inside Morning Breeze Homes. The boy was introduced to her earlier. Joan was unable to flirt with him because Arien, her boyfriend of six months, was at the shop when they boy arrived with his friend. So Chabi, Melai, and Vince did their best to entertain the boy.

When an opportunity came for Joan to talk to the boy, Joan whispered to the boy to go home and come back the next day. She gave the boy money for transportaion. The boy left.

Joan told me that she learned later that Chabi invited the boy to go drinking. Joan was hurt because the boy was supposed to be hers but it was Chabi who was with him that night.

The other side was Chabi's.

Chabi arrived with the boy 30 minutes after Joan told me the story. Joan, Melai, Leo Ganda, who arrived with her boyfriend a few minutes earlier, and I were discussing about most men being the same in only visiting us 'girls' when they needed something. LeoG even stressed that finally 'nauntog din ako,' meaning me.

Chabi left the boy at the gate while she was requesting to borrow money from me. I saw Joan confronting the boy outside. I noticed that he is a high school kid, still wearing his uniform, and that Joan was right in saying that the boy is good looking.

I gave 50 pesos to Chabi after telling her to stop arguing with Melai. However, the boy was gone when Chabi went outside. And so was Joan.

Joan's issue with Chabi is that the boy was introduced to her first. Chabi should have asked her for permission when she invited the boy to drink with them. Chabi's issue with Joan was why she lied to her that she doesn't know that the boy was gone when Chabi confronted her about it, a few minutes after the boy and Joan has gone missing.

I told the two whose voices were both raised as they argued afterwards to accept that Chabi was wrong in inviting the boy to drink without sounding off Joan first even if Joan has a boyfriend, and that Joan was wrong in whisking off the boy in 'anger' because the boy was with Chabi already.

The facts:
i) both Joan and Chabi like the boy, but Chabi is smitten with him;
ii) Joan always wants to be ahead of the competition when it comes to boys so she had oral sex with the boy while Chabi was almost in tears looking for him;
iii) the boy is playing both by telling them separately that he is not yet boyfriends with the other; and
iv) Joan knows that the boy is playing them both, she is just in it for sex and bragging rights.

Yun.

War war is stupid

And people are stupid

And love means nothing

In some strange quarters

War war is stupid

And people are stupid

And I heard them banging

On hearts and fingers

- Culture Club

Single for the rest of my life

2007-11-29T18:14:00.000+08:00

Am I single again? We'll see for how long. :)

Sitting here, daydreaming about you Oh, everything we had, wish I could get it back Cuz if it ain't you then I don't want it And if it ain't you then it ain't for me I can see your face whenever I'm sleeping But hurts when I realize I'm dreaming

So if I can't have you, ill just be single for the rest of my life And you can't be replaced by nobody else Ill go crazy if I cant have you for myself If I can't have you, ill just be single for the rest of my life I've decided that nobody can compare to you There's nobody that can make me feel the way you do

There've been a few, who've tried to take your place I've been on many dates, still it just ain't the same If its not a letter sent from you then i dont read it If its not a gift sent from you then i dont need it I've been longing just to find someone just like you But nobody can do it quite like you

So if I can't have you, ill just be single for the rest of my life And you can't be replaced by nobody else Ill go crazy if I cant have you for myself If I can't have you, ill just be single for the rest of my life I've decided that nobody can compare to you There's nobody that can make me feel the way you do I took your pictures off the wall That didnt seem to help at all

So im gonna put it out there, imma let you know if u need to rest your head, you can come back home I thought that i could live without your love, you know i tried but i feel incomplete when i dont have you in my life So im gonna put it out there, imma let you kno if u need to rest your head, you can come back home

So if I can?t have you, ill just be single for the rest of my life And you can?t be replaced by nobody else Ill go crazy if I cant have you for myself If I can?t have you, ill just be single for the rest of my life I?ve decided that nobody can compare to you There?s nobody that can make me feel the way you do... - Issys

Wildflower

2007-10-25T15:29:00.000+08:00

I offer flowers to the victims of the Glorietta blast. This is in response to inkblots call. (http://ding-inkblots.blogspot.com/2007/10/e-flowers-for-glorietta-victims.html)

The other flowers can be viewed in this flickr site: http://www.flickr.com/photos/maninisid/sets/72157594583937584/

I do not believe whatever the government is saying about the cause of the blast. Shame on the government if it is in anyway responsible for killing those 11 innocent civilians!

Angry nerd rock

2007-09-18T15:59:00.000+08:00

Time to burn it all away, time to think of what to sayTime to go right back to yesterday.Time for movements in the past, time for something that won't last.Not just fire quick and die off fast.Things are never what they seem,I'm stuck inside of someone else's dream.Problems never go away...I'm sick of being caught in yesterday.Every day it's still the same, different faces, different names,But still stuck here playing these stupid games.Maybe soon I'll figure out what giving up is all aboutMy heart is filled so full of doubt.Don't turn around, don't look aheadI won't listen to all the lies I'm fed.Don't have to listen to youSo don't you fucking tell me what to do. - Avril Lavigne

Death Singing

2007-09-11T11:59:00.000+08:00

In the straw-colored light
In light rapidly changing
On a life rapidly fading

Have you seen death singing
Have you seen death singing

With a throat smooth as a lamb
Yet dry as a branch not snapping
He throws back his head
And he does not sing a thing mournful

Have you seen death singing
Have you seen death singing
Have you seen death singing
In the straw-colored light...
- Patti Smith

It has been so long since I have written here. Moments ago, Beektur reminded me that I have not been updating my blog. I told him that I just don't have enough time to do it nor fo i have enough words to say.

What i really want to share though is the horrible story about the death of Buboy's friend. Below is the exact forwarded email I received from Buboy two months ago. I only gather enough of my strength to post it today.

----------------

---------- Forwarded message ----------From: "X1(adie)" <xxxx05@gmail.com>To: "X2" < xxx22@yahoo.com>, "Buboy" <xx0975@yahoo.com>, X3 <xx1558@yahoo.com>, X4 < x4@yahoo.com>, X5 <xx811@yahoo.com>, xx05@gmail.com
Date: Wed, 6 Jun 2007 19:45:01 +0800Subject:
Re: Tragic Death of VICTOR

Friends,Nag-attend kami sa funeral kagabi with kelly, dennis, nelson at paolo. Parang reunion ng mga old friends. Ito ang totoong nagyari;Target is Cezar ( may pera kasi ito), nag invite daw ung Rodney(1 of the killer na dati nang kakilala ni cezar) sa dasma to mit his 4 other friends para mag mag-inom tapos swimming. Nag join ang victor, gerry at mark dala ang car ni cezar, invited din si boyet (masculine guy) pero di na nakasunod. Pero sa trese martires sila dinala. Malayo ang kubo sa gubat, nag luto pa daw sila at nag-inuman. midnight natulog na, then ginising silang 4 ng 5 guys para lumabas may puntahan daw. Pasakay na sila sa car ng hatawin ng Chito (killer 2) si Cezar, next si victor at gerry. Nasa bandang likod yong mark at tumakbo na ng makita ang nagyari. Si cezar, gerry at victor sa ulo lahat pinalo ng kahoy at kawayan. More than 1 hour tumatakbo si mark (only witness) sa madilim na gubat habang sinusundan ang natatanaw na ilaw. Humingi ng saklolo sa first house na nakita.

Pagbalik nya sa crime scene kasama mga police wala na sila, pati kotse. Naiwan 1 belt, 1 shoe, cup ni victor at mga dugo. That was friday night. Sunday nahanap ang kotse sa batangas highway. Ang bangkay ng 3 sa cavite pa rin nakita, di na makilala ang mukha at mga nakatali paa at kamay.

Na identify na mga suspect Rodney (ex RTC employee) at mga kapitbahay nyang 4 na taga cavite rin.

>Hay, naku, sad talaga. Hirap mag kwento. Parang na iimagine mo ang actual na nagyari. Kawawa rin ang witness na si mark, may trauma na cia. Forward nyo na lang sa iba friend natin.

>>oh my God.. katakot naman ung nangyari... adie may nahuli ba sa pumatay? bka addict ung mga un.. natakot ako kasi nung nkita ko pictures eh mag katabi pa kami diba.. then si grid remember him? finorward ko ung email mo sa kanya kasi nandun din sya. mas natakot sya kasi suot ni grid ung long sleeves na suot nya sa pictures... oh diba may effect din kahit dito kami sa cambodia....

>>>Ok, visit us tonight sa funeral. Grabe nangyari kina victor. 4 friends sila na may ka eyeball sa forest area sa cavite, after daw ng inuman. Pinatay ung 3 ng 5 guys, pero nakatakas yong isa nila kasama. Ang car ni victor nakita last sunday sa batangas, ang mga bodies sa trese martires cavite. Katakot diba?

>>>>hey guys...

extend my condolences to the family and other friends of victor.
adie pls update us with other info re funeral, etc.

sad sad sad....

>>>>>
We were deeply saddened today when we learned that Victor died(killed), togather with his friends Cezar & Gerry last friday night.
Please pray for the soul of the departed.

adie

Mobile# 0920-XXXXXXXX

Me

2007-08-22T14:08:00.000+08:00

15. When I took up Biology in college, I was the only one from my high school at the university. I have a new set of friends and never shared where I graduated from. My goal was just to pass through college unnoticed and get my diploma. It did not work my way. In my second semester as a freshman, CB, a sophomore Social Work student asked me if it was true that I have published a short story in Liwayway Magazine. Her department head who was my teacher in one of the subjects told her about it. I said yes and she invited me join to the university’s Literacy Circle (where Beektur was the President). I am glad I did. Looking back, my college years were the period where I churned out most of my poems. I’m swamped with work now so I will be lucky if I can write one poem in a year's time. Or maybe there is no one to inspire me this time.

This is me

2007-07-21T14:07:00.000+08:00

14. I sucked in Physics and Geometry in high school. In my sophomore year I took the Geometry removal exam and barely passed it. My highest grades were in my Pilipino classes. This goes to say that one of my favorite teachers in high school was my Pilipino teacher in my second and third years. She taught us to love our country as much as ourselves. She introduced us to the great personalities of Arts and Literature in the Philippines. As a requirement of the subject, she told us to watch, “Bayan Ko, Kapit sa Patalim” and submit a reaction paper about it. My classmates from II-Dahlia watched it in Ali Mall. We looked like high school kids inside the theater but in my mind and heart, I was a grown up ready to fight against the oppression of the Marcos Regime. It must be the reason why I and another classmate walked from the school to Pres. Cory's house on January 25, 1986 and attended her rally in UP later that day just to show our support for her. Did I shake her hands in UP?

It's me

2007-06-15T14:06:00.000+08:00

12. I was into watching movies in Cubao when I was a freshman in high school. I would go to Cubao after school or during weekends just to watch Pinoy movies in Ocean A or B, Sampaguita, New Frontier, Quezon A or B, or Act 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5. The SM Cinemas were unheard of then. I was with high school friends sometimes, but most of the time I was alone. One night, I went back to my dorm at past six pm. I was about to cross Agham Road from Quezon Avenue when a taxi slowed down and the lady passenger asked me if I was going to my school’s dorm. I said yes and she offered to take me there. I hesitated for a minute but rode with her anyway. My heart was pounding when the taxi was cruising in front of the school. Would it enter the school ground? What if they were kidnappers? Would they let me live? I thanked the passenger when I got off in front of the girls’ dorm and almost ran toward the boys' dorm. I never watched a movie that late again after that night.

13. I was not really good in volleyball as most of my friends were in high school. Maybe because most of them were a little bigger and taller than me. I was frail looking and almost as slim as a feather but it did not stop me from loving the game. One afternoon, we were playing in front of the girl’s dorm when a volleyball hit my face. It was a spike from a senior girl who was playing outside the court that did it. My face turned hot but I did not fall down. Lucky for her she was a senior. I seethed and returned to the game as if nothing happened.

What about me (a stanza)

2007-05-24T14:04:00.001+08:00

11. There were two memorable instances when I cried in high school. One was during the first night at the dorm when I was alone for the first time with strangers. The other was when I overheard some people in my fourth year talking behind my back about something so unbelievably untrue. I realized now that I cried not entirely because they were gossiping about me, but because what they were whispering about was not going to happen. And that I wished it were true.

Disappointment

2007-04-20T14:45:00.000+08:00

Disappointment you shouldn't have doneYou couldn't have doneYou shouldn't have doneThe things you did thenAnd we could've been happyWhat a piteous thing, a hideous thingWas tainted by the restBut it won't get any harderAnd I hope you'll find your way againAnd it won't get any higherBut it all boils down to what you did thenIn the night we fight, I lied you're rightIt was exactly thenI decidedAnd drew you outIn the night we fight, I lied you're rightIt was exactly thereI decidedBut it won't be any harderAnd I whope you'll find you way againAnd it won't get any higherBut it over boils down to what you did thenDisappointment
- Cranberries

Sometimes you can't make it on your own

2007-03-15T17:44:00.000+08:00

Tough, you think you've got the stuff

You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

- U2

Malaysia, truly Asia

2007-03-14T17:39:00.000+08:00

You've entered an Oscar Wilde-type phase. I urge you to get a sense of how the British author's paradoxical brilliance worked so you can put yourself in a similar frame of mind. Study the
following Wilde-isms. (1) "I can believe anything provided it is incredible." (2) "Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative." (3) "If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh; otherwise they'll kill you." (4) "Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess." (5) "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much." (6) "Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul."

All the wrong places

2007-03-01T17:39:00.000+08:00

Dearest Transit,

I have not told anyone anything about you since that time that this stage in our lives crossed. All my friends know about Jake, Dudut, Felipe, Leon, but not about you Transit. I may know the reason why I kept it a secret that I know someone like you, that I have encountered a human being from that part of the town, but I cannot fully comprehend it yet to explain myself well to you and to people who know me.

It is hard keeping you a secret. Now that you want my support as you finally start to embrace that aspect of your life, I cannot find a single friend who is free to go with me without a question in mind and/or a prior commitment. I have been alone in nurturing you in my heart. Later, I will be alone to be confronted by who and what you are in the darkness that swirls your life every night.

And so you work in a bar. I met you not so long ago when I was confused as to who to choose between Jake and Dudut. I chose no one. Maybe I chose you. That even as Jake and I were enjoying ourselves in Kota Kinabalu, your shadow was everywhere whenever I close my eyes, asking for acceptance.

I have to accept who you are Transit even if I still find it difficult to accept who I am when I am with you. That all this façade of simplicity is really an exciting life with you even if our worlds seem poles apart. But we are not different. We both are looking for love and acceptance and peace, but maybe, just maybe in the wrong places.

Much love.

Spanish eyes

2007-02-28T17:32:00.000+08:00

Before the details of the KK trip with Jake and some friends, here's a few somethings from the web.

MIRABILIA REPORT
(Mirabilia n. events that inspire wonder, marvelous phenomena, small
miracles, beguiling ephemera, inexplicable joys, changes that inspire quiet
awe, eccentric enchantments, unplanned jubilations, sudden deliverance
from boring evils; from the Latin mirabilia, "marvels.")

* The National Center for Atmospheric Research reports that the average
cloud is the same weight as 100 elephants.

* The seeds of some trees are so tightly compacted within their
protective covering that only the intense heat of a forest fire can free
them, allowing them to sprout.

* Thirty-eight percent of North America is wilderness.

* Anthropologists say that in every culture in history, children have played
the game hide and seek.

* With every dawn, when first light penetrates the sea, many seahorse
colonies perform a dance to the sun.

* A seven-year-old Minnesota boy received patent number 6,368,227 for
a new method of swinging on a swing.

* As it thrusts itself into our Milky Way Galaxy, the dwarf galaxy
Sagittarius is unraveling, releasing a thick stream of dark matter that is
flowing right through the Earth.

* A chemist in Australia finally succeeded in mixing oil and water.

* Except among birds and land mammals, the females of most species are
bigger than the males.

* The South African version of TV's Sesame Street has an AIDS-positive
Muppet named Kami.

* The sky not only isn't falling—it's rising. The top of the troposphere, the
atmosphere's lowest layer, is slowly ascending.

* To make a pound of honey, bees have to gather nectar from about two
million flowers. To produce a single pound of the spice saffron, humans
have to handpick and process 80,000 flowers. In delivering the single
survivor necessary to fertilize an ovum, a man releases 500 million sperm.

* Some Christians really do love their enemies, as Jesus recommended.

* Kind people are more likely than mean people to yawn when someone
near them does.

* There are always so many fragments of spider legs floating in the air
that you are constantly inhaling them wherever you go.

* "The average river requires a million years to move a grain of sand 100
miles," says science writer James Trefil.

* Because half of the world's vanilla crop is grown in Madagascar, the
whole island smells like vanilla ice cream.

* Your body contains so much iron that you could make a spike out of it,
and that spike would be strong enough to hold you up.

* In his book *The Physics of Immortality: Modern Cosmology, God and
the Resurrection of the Dead,* physicist Frank J. Tipler offers what he
says is scientific proof that every human being who has ever lived will be
resurrected from the dead at the end of time.

* In the Ukraine you can buy Fat in Chocolate, a food with a layer of dark
chocolate covering a chunk of pork fat.

* Robust singing skill is correlated with a strong immune system in
songbirds. Male birds with the most extensive repertoire of tunes also
have the largest spleens, a key measure of immune system health.

* Bali has 80,000 temples.

* Romanian physicists created gaseous globes of plasma that grew,
reproduced, and communicated with each other, thereby fulfilling the
definition for life.

* In an apparent attempt to raise their volume above the prevailing human
din, some nightingales in big cities have learned to unleash 95-decibel
songs, matching the loudness of a chainsaw.

* There is a statistically significant probability of world-class athletes and
military leaders being born when Mars is rising in the sky.

* Some piranhas are vegetarians.

* In the pueblos of New Mexico, bricks still measure 33 by 15 by 10
centimeters, proportions that almost exactly match those of the bricks
used to build Egypt's Temple of Hatshepsut 3,500 years ago.

* Childbirth is often joyful even though it's painful.

* In hopes of calming flustered lawbreakers, Japanese cops have
substituted the sound of church bells for sirens on police cars.

* Scientists believe they'll be able to figure out why cancer cells are
virtually immortal, and then apply the secret to keeping normal cells alive
much longer, thereby dramatically expanding the human life span.

* Clown fish can alter their gender as their social status rises.

* When she is born, a baby girl has all the ova she will ever have.

* Bluebirds cannot see the color blue.

* Gregorian chants can cure dyslexia.

* Bob Hope donated half a million jokes to the Library of Congress.

* Bees perform a valuable service for the flowers from which they steal.
* "Leafing through Forbes or Fortune [magazine]s is like reading the
operating manual of a strangely sanctimonious pirate ship," wrote Adam
Gopnik in *The New Yorker.*

* Revlon makes 177 different shades of lipstick.

* Your tongue is the strongest muscle in your body.

* The most frequently shoplifted book in America is the Bible.

Tomorrow

2007-02-21T09:44:00.000+08:00

Dear Wilma,

Tomorrow, it is all systems go for our trip to Kota Kinabalu Malaysia. I will be with Jake, of course, and some friends from my former work. This will be exciting I suppose because this will be the first group of people in my professional world who will know who Jake is. It is like saying that I'm finally stepping out of the semi-closet that I am in. As you know, even if I am out to most of my friends, very few people in my professional circle know who I really am. I just got promoted recently and that prompted me to finally embrace this life.

Today is also Ash Wednesday, the start of my on and off again annual sexual abstinence program. I stoppedtaking the pill which has helped me control my libido. Now, it is up to the power of my will to not engage in sex.

This will be a great challenge for all its worth because Dudut promised to visit me tonight for a despedida drink. And in Malaysia, Jake and I will be alone with me most of the time.

As for the Jake's priest-friend, he is still texting him but I do not want to mind it anymore.

On with the trip. I'll share some pictures when we get back.

love,

M

Another Day

2007-02-09T09:32:00.000+08:00

I was just strolling down this path
And I'm looking at the houses ahead
Wondering if you're at breakfast
Or maybe you're still in bed
I hate to wake you this way
But there's things that I must say
I could just turn away
But it won't wait another day
Another day, another day, another day

Now we're together
I just found that my courage
Has all gone away
If you really want to know how I feel
You'll have to turn away
Please don't look in my eyes
You might find I'm telling lies
I don't know what to do
I keep going, but where to
Where to, where to, where to

Now it's all over, it just is

And I only woke you up to say
Hello, goodbye
I just came to tell you I'm on my way
Here comes another day
But now you seem so far away
Nothing seems the same
But maybe I'll see you again
See you again
I'll see you again
See you again
See you again another day
- Strawberry Switchblade

Dear Wilma,

It has been so long since I talked about my love life. A lot of things has happened between today and the last time I've written something on my blog. I almost could not remember what happened the week of the 22nd of January. I think it was the time that Jake was still nursing his aching wisdom tooth. We met that Sunday at Festival Mall and had our hair cuts at Bench Fix Salon.

At the shoppe, he met my sister-in-law. He was uneasy about meeting her and decided to attend his new priest friend's mass. I did not want him to meet this Fr. John V but he insisted. He sent a message at around 8 pm to say that he just arrived at the mass/religious gathering. I asked him what time he was going home and he did not answer.

We had a tiff Friday that week. His wisdom tooth cannot be extracted yet due to a swollen gum and he decided not to have it extracted anymore. I told him that he should go back to work. He flared up and told me why was I instructing him on what to do. I did not text him for two days. He also was silent that weekend. What I did was to burrow my head in watching Desperate Housewives Season 2 DVD.

Just after midnight of the 28th, Jake sent a message to ask me how I was. I said I'm fine (but quite decided of breaking up with him).

We talked on the phone Monday night and he told me he would be sleeping his mornings in the Salon again. The breakup was cancelled. But I learned in the few days that followed that he met Fr. John that Sunday (Jan 28). They went to Fort Santiago and took pictures of each other. I thought to myself that they seem to be more than friends and chided Jake. He denied of course.

The last thing I get to realize last night is that they are more than friends. There was I love yous being sent to him by the priest. Jake said a week earlier that he doesn't want me prying on his mobile and read his messages. But I knew that he was hiding something. He talked about Fr. John a lot, even telling me that the priest promised to take care of the studies of his two kids. Fr. John's text last night stated that he cannot take their situation anymore because Jake has a wife and kids. He's erasing Jake's number in his mobile "kahit na may nangyari na sa atin.."

So you had sex I asked Jake. He denied and acted pissed off. They were having a fight through text messages and I just couldn't fully express how I was feeling about the situation. I let my anger go and just looked for Dudut when Jake left.

And this happened after I helped Jake get his passport and bought his ticket for our trip to KK, Malaysia at the end of the month.

- M

We march

2007-02-08T10:34:00.000+08:00

Marching to Congress

THEY MIGHT be the first force in the world to say that it’s legal to be gay. Danton Remoto and other members of Ang Ladlad, a national organization of lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and transgender (LGBT) Filipinos, will vie for a seat in the party-list system in the upcoming 2007 elections. Formed on Sept. 1, 2003, the group aims to help old and young members of the LGBT community by giving legal aid and counseling and by strengthening entrepreneurial opportunities for underprivileged and handicapped LGBT Filipinos.

These programs are backed up by the group’s fight against discrimination. Remoto, author of several books on gay literature, and an associate professor at the English Department of the Ateneo de Manila University, has drafted, along with other staunch advocates of third-sex protection and recognition, an Anti-Discrimination Bill, which was filed in the House by Akbayan Rep. Etta Rosales. Remoto hopes that by winning in the elections, Ang Ladlad could help expedite favorable legislation and abolish the Anti-Vagrancy Bill, which, the group claims, is used by perfidious policemen to extort bribes from gay men without ID cards.

The Church has voiced no disapproval of Ang Ladlad’s plans, for, as Remoto explains, their platform does not involve the touchy subject of same-sex marriage. Bishop Angel Lagdameo, Bishop Oscar Cruz, and Monsignor Pedro Quitorio of the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines even issued statements in support of the LGBT’s pursuit of equal rights.

If there is anyone who’s been consistently thumbing down Ang Ladlad’s political aspiration, it’s Rep. Bienvenido Abante of the sixth district of Manila. A Gospel minister, Abante believes that Ang Ladlad has no right to run for Congress.

Ang Ladlad, however, considers Abante only a “minor irritant” and is confident that a great number from the youth and the working sectors will help their push toward Congress. If Ang Ladlad fails to gain a seat in the 2007 elections, it still plans to continue its counseling projects and medical programs for the LGBT population, take stock of their strengths and weaknesses, and build up its political strength for the 2010 elections.

This optimism could make Ang Ladlad’s endeavor appeal to voters. Remoto said that they are sailing on a ship called Hope. From the parlorista to the gay artist, Filipino members of the third sex believe that the 2007 elections might just make the waves calmer for their journey. —Purple S. Romero

Dig..
Now we clarify 4ever, in other words as long as it takes
We ain't got no use 4 ice cream without the cake (Umm)
We ain't got no time 4 excuses, the promised land belongs 2 all
We can march in peace but U best watch your back if another leader falls

March, we march
[Feet stompin'!]
March, we march

He said it, she said it and I say...
Now's the time (now's the time) 2 find a rhyme (Yeah)
That's got a reason (Yeah) and frees the mind (free your mind)
From angry thoughts, the racist kind (Yeah)
If we all wanna a change then come on get in line (Get in line!)
Next time we march (Whoa)
We're kickin' down the door
Next time we march (Hey yeah) (Whoa)
All is what were marchin' 4 (Whooaa)
- Prince

Looking through the eyes of love

2007-01-23T17:25:00.000+08:00

Dudut kept on looking for me last week. Joan said that he was there Tuesday and early Wednesday night asking for me. I was with Jake that Tuesday night to exchange phones. I went to Alabang a little late on Wednesday because I dropped by Bicutan.

I finally met him late Wednesday night at Homer’s birthday party. But he was tipsy and pissed off because I was not at the shop when he was looking for me.

I told Benj that maybe he needs something. I was right. Dudut sent a text message Thursday night to confirm my theory. But he was again drinking Thursday night and did not come to see me at the shop.

I met with Jake Friday night and Dudut as expected came looking for me again. I told Joan that I’ll just meet with Dudut Saturday.

Dudut was at the shop on Saturday before 7 pm from work. We talked inside the bedroom. While we were lying down, he requested sex. I obliged. The story of the hunt has finally settled.

I teased him that he was looking for me the whole week because he wanted sex. His wife, he explained, was having her monthly period.

He left after getting what he wanted. I stayed inside the room for a while. I thought, tomorrow it would be Jake that I’ll be seeing again. What would be our story this time?

Angel of mine

2007-01-18T09:11:00.000+08:00

Last week, I got hold of the office camera and found some pictures of Angel Aquino. She looks so pretty without makeup. I said to myself, if I am straight, this is the type of girl that I would marry. But I am not, so her pictures will suffice. c",

To those who don't know her, Angel is a Filipino actress. The first time that I noticed her beauty and grace was in the film, "Ang Kriminal ng Baryo Concepcion." She hold her ground in that movie with the amazing Raymond Bagatsing. She appeared lately as the mother of Captain Barbell/Teng (Richard Guttierez) in the GMA7 teleseries "Captain Barbell" which just ended. She was also in the digital movie, "Donsol".

Here tonight

2007-01-16T08:50:00.000+08:00

Finally, last night we met again. It was his idea. We were exchanging messages yesterday afternoon on the right thing to do about the mobile he is using that our neighbor has pawned to me. Jake said that I should meet him in Robinson's Manila after work. He was to file for leave because of his impacted wisdom tooth.

I saw him walking towards me in a sleeveless parka and tight fitting jeans while i was sitting on a bench in front of the mall's fountain. We exchanged pleasantries and the usual how are yous. We both seemed fine and happy to see each other but the conversation was slow. He told me to wait for him in a coffee shop while he would be filing his leave. He filed for a week's leave so that he would have enough time to heal after the tooth is extracted.

I waited for him at a coffee shop in front of Pan Pacific Hotel. I bought brewed coffee and a double chocolate muffin. The muffin was dry and the coffee tasted plain but I was excited and troubled at the same time that we are talking again. What should I make of it? My mind was dialoguing with me while I was talking to Joan over the phone about his fight with his latest boy toy. I admitted to myself that Jake is acknowledging again that we are in a relationship, that i am his pangga.

When Jake returned to meet me, I was already out of the coffee shop and walking the length of Adriatico. He asked me if I would like to consume some alcohol with him, his treat. It was a groundbreaking event. After more than two years of friendship, finally he was the one who is paying for our bill.

At first, the conversation was interspersed with silent pauses while we were drinking at the Hours Bar in Nakpil. A girl and her band were singing alternative love songs that almost fitted the atmosphere
between Jake and I. We sat beside each other. Rather unusual because he always sits in front of me when we go out. His left hand was almost caressing my right thigh as we drink and welcomed alcohol into our system. We stayed at the bar until midnight as we conversed, holding hands, about our
relationship, our plans, his job, his children and common-law wife, and how sure he is that they would separate in the future. We talked about that Sunday night when we fought over the phone because i wanted time with him on his birthday which he couldn't give and spent it with his former coworkers at The Pizza Company instead.

He was so pissed off that night that he even broke their DVD machine inside their CR. It turned out that his wife had forgotten about his birthday. I realized that Jake really loves his wife but she doesn't
care much about him. Is it the same as the situation we’re in?

We traveled to Alabang in a cab when we left the bar to go home. We consumed five bottles of light beer and two tequila shots between us. He requested that I pay the fare and the bottles of the light beer that we would consume in our next destination. So much for his treat, I kidded him.

A number of his former co-workers from TPC were in the quaint videoke joint near Metropolis Mall last night when we arrived. I know one of them, Bry who had accompanied Jake to the shop a number of times last year. Bry was with his girlfriend. We sat by them and shared stories, laughter, and songs.

It was obvious that Jake was becoming drunk as he playfully flirts with the waitresses in that videoke joint. He was drunk finally, because after pretending that we were best of friends, he blurted out that
I had a crush on one of his friends and that Bry's girlfriend was the object of my episodes with jealousy last year. I noticed that he was becoming touchy and sweet as he consumed more and more alcohol.

At several minutes past three in the morning, we parted with his friends. He accompanied me to the shop because he wanted to make sure that I would go straight home. He chided me that I might go back to the videoke joint to join the young men who arrived when we left. But I did not even notice the men.

We kissed inside the tricycle as it brought us to the Salon.

I went straight to bed after Joan let me in. But there was a thought bothering me that Jake might have returned to the joint and to the young pretty waitress instead of buying vegetables at the already opened Alabang Public Market. I sent a message that he should use a condom if he would be doing it with that girl.

He answered with a smiling face, "I love you and I will always love you. Good night, I am home. Take care."

Lost in space

2007-01-11T12:31:00.000+08:00

Last night, after i was drawn to sleep by fatigue and melancholia, jake sent a text message with an smiling face, "I miz u."

I woke up from a dream of killers, flesh eaters, cab and jeepney drivers, and the vastness of the countryside at 30 minutes past four in the morning. I looked for my mobile in the dark and found his message. Withous hesitation, I texted back sans smiling face, "I miss you too. please comehome."

He answered, "I can't right now. Our maid left and the replacement has not arrived yet. Wala pa silang kasama. (I) Love you even (if) you're hurting me."

"I understand. And i'm sorry again for hurting you. I love you more than anything. I'll be always here. I'm not sure what will happen if i lose you. I'm glad that we're okay. The space is doing good."

I did not elaborate more. I did not add that I have been talking to Dudut since the fight, that our picture was replaced by my picture with Dudut. I have accepted the space. I'll be okay.

He sent a message again to say that it was still early to be awake, i should go back to sleep. "I love you too."

Sound of silence

2007-01-10T12:21:00.000+08:00

Wilma, yesterday: silence is the best. you should talk to the Lord instead. The Lord will give you signs so that you'll know what to do.

me: wilma, i'm practicing silence now. this morning, jake finally texted back to say that i should take care of myself and i should not worry because he won't kill that part of my life that depends happiness on his presence. he's just gifting himself peaceof mind. i texted back to say thanks and that i will be waiting until he's ready to talk and see me again. silence it is.

wilma: Jake is right. Take care of yourself. Get enough rest. Breath Deeply .Cry. Pray. Drink milk. No sounds. No mhin..(muna)

me, this morning: i'm getting enough rest naman. breathing deeply sometimes. di ko pa naiiyak ang nangyari. ewan ko kung iiyak pa ako. i'm praying for them all palagi. jake. dudut. my family. friends. haven't drink milk for a while. i think i have to. what do you mean by no sounds? no mhin nga except dudut of course (and felipe? hehe).

yesterday, i met with misyu at shang mall. we talked about a lot of things and somehow the burden of sadness has been lifted. namili rin kasi ako ng pants and shirts. i called up dudut before i went home. sabi ko kita kami. within 10 minutes when i arrived in alabang, dudut came, just arrived from work where he played basketball. nag-usap kami about a lot of things and somehow na strengthen ang bond namin. no sex yun. wala akong libog di ba? isang short kiss lang bago sya umuwi at 11.30 pm. i finished one beer while we were talking and slept soundly finally when dudut left.

syanga pala, dudut said that felipe chided him monday night na kami na raw pala ni dudut. pano kaya nalaman ni felipe iyon? at ano naman care nya? joan also said that felipe told him na kaya di kami nagkatuluyan kasi ang dami ko raw lalaki. oh well. as if he is really into me. hirap ng maganda.

anyways, i'm fine. i wanted to text jake earlier to ask him kung gusto nyang mag out of town kami soon pero naisip ko, tama na. plans with him should stop. i have to move on while resting, breathing deeply, laughing, drinking occassionally, loving dudut. yun.

love you much for sticking with me through thick and thin. musta na pala breaker? :)

Love is love

2007-01-08T10:06:00.000+08:00

Here are two letters. The first one was from Danton Remoto to another member of Ang Ladlad on thelatter's discourses on love and the second one was my recent letter to Wilma about Jake. Certainly, Danton's letter hit me on the spot.

------------

Dear A,

Thanks for your discourse on love. While I generally agree with most
of your points, here are some nay-says from my end of the line:

1. I think there is no need to say that love will last forever.
Forever is not measured in terms of length of time, or chronology.
A moment of happiness can be forever. A haiku is a three-line poem,
very short, but it captures the world. The sakura or cherry blossoms
of Japan bloom for four days, then then wither and die -- after
showing the world what vivid beauty means.

2. I think there is no need to say I will love you until I die. What
does death mean? I think it is not measured in terms of length of
time, or chronology. At times, we die every day, when our friends
disappoint us, or betray us. Or when the one we love does not know,
or cannot accept what in his heart of hearts, he really feel. That
is death, too.

3. I think there is no need to grieve forever. When love dies, you
grieve and cry, then you move on. No need to burden the world with
your grief. We have to stop giving the other person the power to
hurt us. We can visualize this -- this person is a rock wrapped in
paper, then thrown in the middle of the lake. Or this person is an
arrow that you shoot right, into the centre of the sun, where he
melts.

You close a room -- seal its windows, shut the door, then padlock it
firmly. Then open another one. Believe me, there is a line outside,
waiting for you. But only if you open the next door, to the next
room. Those who persist in their present, toxic relationships --
relationships that have no future, and are doomed to extinction --
are the ones who will never be truly happy. They smile at you, but
their hearts are full of holes.

I hope these random thoughts -- culled from almost half a century of
living -- helps you and the others in this e-group of ours.

Cheers,

Danton
-------

Dear Wilma,

Today is Jake's birthday and we're fighting. He was so angry last night that he turned his mobile off while we were arguing. I am a little apprehensive that he might have thrown the mobile on the floor at his house and destroyed it. I let him borrowed it last month and it is not mine.

You see, I was just asking him to meet later after his appointment after lunch. He said he cannot promise me that, but I insisted. The conversation turned to his being so tired that he has to please everybody and give them time when all I was asking was two hours after his appointment before he goes to work. He continued that I never even asked him if he has rested, I was being difficult blah blah blah...

So today is his birthday and we're not talking since his mobile is still off. I've been calling him to apologize but i guess he has finally changed his SIM card. Now i'm thinking how am i gonne get the phone back.

I went home to Bicutan to sleep there last night. I wanted peace and not be reminded of him in our little hole in Alabang. At 2 a.m., I woke up chilling. I wonder what that meant.

I am raking my brain on what to do next. I already texted his wife last night to ask if he's fine and she was asking what happened because Jake seemed angry. Tama na daw. Should I go and check on him later at his work? Should I stay silent and never bother him for a while to give him space? Should I continue fighting it out with him or just resign right now?

I am not sure of what I'll do next. I just hope that what I decide to do next is for the best of us.

What do you think my friend? Haaay...

love,

M