Love is a battlefield

We are young, heartache to heartache we stand

No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield
We are strong, no one can tell us were wrong
Searchin our hearts for so long, both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield

Youre beggin me to go, youre makin me stay
Why do you hurt me so bad?
It would help me to know
Do I stand in your way, or am I the best thing youve had?
Believe me, believe me, I cant tell you why
But Im trapped by your love, and Im chained to your side...

Last week as the war of words between Isagani Cruz, a PDI columnist, and the LGBT community rages on Cruz's bigoted view, I joined some colleagues in inspecting schools in the Visayas in order to compare those that are receiving assistance from a big power corporation and those who don't. We visited four schools during our visit, two recipients and two regular schools. The two recipient schools are situated in the mountains while the other two are in the region's largest city.

The region we visited has been known to be among the top three regions, if not the top, based on the results of the DepEd National Achievement Test. Its top rank is due to its regional director's dedication and vision. A Division Chief in the region explained to us that the submissiveness of most officials and personnel in following the Director's programs made them reached the top of the educational achievement ladder.

Indeed, the region is making the most of what is available to them. The two nonrecipient schools lacked classrooms and other facilities. One school is making use of a makeshift classroom (see picture above) while the other has a classroom with a wall that is about to collapse (see the two pictures of the wall below and observe the cracks behind the school children). But even if their city mayor, as one personnel has passionately stated during an interview, supports the education program of DepEd in the region, he prioritizes building a huge sports complex and transport terminal instead.


The two recipient schools are better off. Aside from new school buildings built by their big corporation sponsor, the kids are given uniforms, school supplies, and health kits. The kids are also fed five times a week with two lunches and three snacks. They are also better groomed than their city counterparts as observed by a government nurse checking on their health.

This educational project that I am involved with is close to my heart. Both my parents were retired elementary school teachers and I am a product of the public educational system. I graduated in a barangay elementary school but I was able to pass the exams of the premiere sciench high school of the country. And then I graduated with honors from a state university. I know that with proper motivation and assistance, these kids will also be able to reach their dream, whatever those are. I just hope that the government realizes that education is the answer to poverty and not constitutional change.



(Pat Benatar in the video of "Love is a Battlefield".)

On a more personal note, here are some news:
1. Reagan is on his way today to Alabang from Bicol. He'll be arriving tomorrow very early in the morning. I don't love him enough.
2. Misyu, Paige (who lost his mobile very recently), and I are going to Boracay in October.
3. I was able to help hookup two friends through Ang Ladlad. They're dating now.
4. Robert's wife lost their third kid. She was six months pregnant. Joan said it was aborted. I saw the kid inside the coffin and felt for Robert who obviously cried a river over the death of his child. She was a girl.
5. I helped Felipe pay his tuition again just like last semester. He is a scholar but the money being paid by the city for his tuition is not enough. Am I buying his love?
6. Wilma is again living in with Corey, his boyfriend of almost two years, who finally separated with his wife a week ago. Wilma texted and told me that if it is hard to fall for a straight man, it is harder to live with a gay lover.
7. Ursula is in love now with Patrick while another friend, Andrea, is in love with Stephen. I like both men but I have no other choice but to let my two friends love them.
8. Pepper is still in the picture. We slept together two days ago and had sex twice. Though, I am sure now that I am just in it for the sex.

Till next time folks.

Were losing control
Will you turn me away or touch me deep inside?
And before this gets old, will it still feel the same?
Theres no way this will die
But if we get much closer, I could lose control
And if your heart surrenders, youll need me to hold

We are young, heartache to heartache we stand No promises, no demands Love is a battlefield
- Pat Benatar

You're beautiful

You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yes, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last 'till the end...
- James Blunt

The show was supposed to start at 9 PM but began at 30 minutes past 10 PM. The stage was not set up yet when Felipe and I went to the venue. The show was the search for Miss Earth Gay 2006 in Morning Breeze Compound, Alabang, Muntinlupa City last Saturday. Felipe and I were tapped as judges.

I agreed to be part of the show not only because I am a pageant enthusiast and that I like Felipe a lot but because I wanted to promote the newly formed LGBT party list, Ang Ladlad to those watching and participating in the show. The emcee, Tono, a friend of mine, kept on plugging the party list as the show was unfolding.

There were six other judges aside from Felipe and I. Earlier that night when Felipe was taking a bath after arriving from school, Robbie, one of the organizers said that Felipe would not be judging but I insisted that he should, because I told Felipe that he was one of the judges. Nakakahiya sa kanya. I added to Robbie that Felipe went home straight from his classes and was excited to judge. I volunteered to be the tabulator instead and let Felipe take my place. But when we returned to the venue at minutes past 10 PM after drinking a bottle of horse beer at the Salon, they accommodated both of us as judges and as tabulators.

There were 16 candidates, most of them young and pretty. One was more handsome than pretty and seemed to have joined the pageant just to be pasaway (nuisance) which made the crowd roared with laughter everytime he was onstage. Two were former Salon employees, Ayang (Candidate#15, Ms. Claudine Barreto) and Barry (#14, Ms. Beth Tamayo); while one is still working at the Salon, Chabi (#9, Ms. Jean Garcia). Aside from Ayang and Chabi, Macdo (#11, 2005 Ms. International Precious Lara Quigaman) and Toto (#1, Ms. Bing Loyzaga) joined the Miss Gay Cut&Style World last December 2005.

The basketball court was packed when the show started but was nearly deserted when the show ended at 3 AM. There were four categories prior to the semifinal round: national costume, casual wear, swimsuit competition, and long gown parade. The 16 was trimmed down to eight and were asked questions written by their co-candidates. The questions ranged from the Israel-Hizbullah war to atom bomb making to gay protests in the streets. Most of the top eight candidates were able to answer the questions decently and in the end, the most eloquent english speaking candidate won. Candidate no. 16, Maimai to her friends, Ms. Donita Rose that night, won as Ms. Earth Gay 2006 because of her beauty, grace, and wit. Too bad, the organizers only gave part of the prize money to the four winners (Earth, Wind, Water, and Fire). A rumor is spreading that the pot money was spent consuming Sharon Stone days prior to the event.

One of the winners (Ms. Fire, the 3rd Runner-up, Candidate #10) kept on looking at Felipe while onstage during the competition. Felipe was smitten and flashed his winning smile everytime she floated in front of us. I asked myself if I should be jealous. I let it be and enjoyed just being a friend that night. Felipe asked me to let him be the one to give the flowers to her when her award was announced. I let him and to the delight of the crowd he kissed her on the cheek after giving the flowers to her.



(James Blunt's You're Beautiful.)

A member of the audience teased Felipe if he knew that he was kissing a man too. Felipe just laughed as I retorted jokingly, "so what if she's a man?" The audience member asked me further if the kiss was fine with me. I told him that Candidate no. 10, the third runner-up, would not be able to go home alive.

It was a happy occassion. Even if all the representatives of Alabang lost (the winner and the first runner-up live in Barangay Cupang), Chabi, Toto, and Macdo were not luhaan. They each won special awards and Toto and Macdo were in the top eight.



This early, the candidates are already looking forward to the next beauty search. In December, after three monthly semifinal rounds in the Salon, 15 finalists will vie for the title: Alabang Look-Gay Elite Model 2006.

I hope by that time, I am slim, pretty, and girly enough for Felipe to fall for me. (LOL)

Unwell

Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away...
- Matchbox 20

I was tipsy when I sang Unwell last Wednesday night during our company's anniversary celebration. I was supposed to sing it with Estelle and another former colleague but as I predicted, the later backed out. We were supposed to be called Los Trios Solteros. We became Los Solteros.



We practiced right before the program. And the result was good and well-appreciated even if I was the only one singing. Estelle has the better voice quality but he doesn't really like the song so he mumbled his way through the song while I sang with gusto. As I always tell myself, always give your best in a performance, whether on stage or in bed, you'll never know if the last performance will indeed be your last.

That may be the reason why Pepper is captivated with me. During the three times we've been together in bed without even dating (the last one was last night), I see to it that he enjoys the act being nearly a virgin at 24. Pleasure should be the name of the dance.

Last night almost did not happen though. I was at a Angge's house, a new hair stylist friend working at Fix, when Pepper looked for me at the salon. Earlier he passed by on his way home while I was drinking with Joan's male visitors. I thought he was just saying hi. He told me later that he signalled that he was coming back. If I had known that earlier, I would not have flirted with Joross, Ma-el, and Cockster in my new friend Angge's rented house. The drinking was getting heavy and proposals were flying around when Pepper arrived with Chabi. I stood up and accompanied Pepper back to the Salon. I was glad that he was there to look for me. Ma-el was proposing to have sex with me for a fee. Over my dead body. I was speechless when Ma-el offered himself and gave his price. Not with him and I'll never pay again for sex. For now.



I have decided on not paying again as Pepper and I finished dancing in the dark of the Salon's bedroom. That was satisfying sex. After a few minutes he whispered to me and wanted to do it again. I declined because I was too tired. Mentally, I was tired of the charade before and after sex. I was with Marty Thursday night enjoying the same bed where Pepper and I were last night. The difference is that Marty borrowed some amount while Pepper said that he will miss me as he went home last night without his second serving.

Pepper is getting serious. Here we go again. At this point all I want from him is the good sex that we are having even if he thinks and feels that we are in a relationship. I don't want to commit to him especially because Reagan from the province is arriving on Saturday to live with me. I am not yet in love with either of these two. But they are the ones showing me some kind of love.

Not Felipe, although I like him so much, is entirely treating me as a friend (We were seated together as judges during the Ms. Gay Earth 2006 Beauty Search at the Morning Breeze Compound in Ilaya, Alabang but his attention is on Candidate No. 10 whom he got to kiss during the final announcement). Not Patrick, who is such a cutie but is of course with Ursula now. Not Robert, who is nowhere to be found lately.

It was a crazy week ended. Last Monday I did not go to work because of hang-over since I was out drinking with Marty, Dexter, and their friends. I saw Storm, an ex during one of my MRT trips and exchanged numbers with him. Mystique, another ex, and I are exchanging emails. I was groping Pope's behind during the staff photo at the anniversary party. And last night I dreamt that Magneto has left me and I woke up realizing that indeed he did leave a lifetime ago.

And Pepper kept on showing up. And Reagan is coming soon.

I am becoming feverish.

Can you read my mind?

Can you read my mind Do you know what it is you do to me

Don't know who you are
Just a friend from another star

Here I am, like a kid out of school
Holding hands with a god - I'm a fool
Will you look at me, quivering
Like a little girl, shivering
You can see right through me...
- Maureen McGovern, Superman

Misyu and I watched "Superman Returns" last night at the IMAX Theatre in the Mall of Asia, the newest mall and arguably the biggest in Asia. We have planned of watching the film at the IMAX since it had began its run in Manila last June. Pregg who was able to watch it on its first day of showing said that the story has nothing new to offer. The thrill he experienced was due to the 20-minute 3D part (in four installments) of the film.

The movie convinced me that I am indeed, romantic. I was almost in tears when Superman/Clark Kent realized that Lois has moved on and seemed to not love him anymore. I could feel and share his pain right then. Forget the 3D parts, though amazing for the uninitiated, the moments were dampened by blurry 3D glasses and a dark throbbing smudge on the big IMAX screen. I love the love angle of the movie. Hah, to be in love and not to be loved in return. We are all equal on having felt that at one point in our life, mere mortals, gods, or superheroes.

Which brought me to the angle with Ursula and Patrick. I spent the night talking with Ursula at his hotel after Misyu and I parted after a late snack at McDonald's. Ursula tried to ask me questions about Patrick and the drinking session last Saturday. All I said to my dear friend was Patrick is nice and a good catch. I cautioned him again about their being cousins.

Later when Ursula has slept, I copied Patrick's number from his mobile. I sent an sms to apologize for what happened.

"Hey. I just want to apologize for what happened Saturday night. It was a stupid mistake. My friend likes you as I do but I don't want him hurt."

He texted back to ask who my friend and I were and what about Saturday. He did not think about what happened at all. I read too much out of nothing.

A moment ago, Ursula texted me to say that finally, he and Patrick were able to meet. I wished him all the luck in the world.

Cold-hearted

It was only late last night

He was out there sneakin
Then he called you up to check that you
Were waiting by the phone
All the worlds a candy store
Hes been trick or treatin
When it comes to true love girl with him
Theres no one home

Hes a cold-hearted snake
Look into his eyes
Oh oh oh
Hes been tellin lies
Hes a lover boy at play
He dont play by rules
Oh oh oh
Girl dont play the fool--no...
- Paula Abdul

I remember dancing to that Paula Abdul song when I was still in school. It was the late 80s. Paula was credited as a backup dancer/choreographer of Janet Jackson before releasing her 1988 lp "Forever Your Girl." The song has a catchy bit and a phrase that connects to my story of the week. It is the snake thing.

In the gay world, anyone who snarls or bites a friend's prospect or lover is a snake. I am ashamed of myself but I am admitting that I became one Saturday night.



The back story is this. My best friend Ursula has been confiding in me lately through mobile calls that he really likes this new guy in his life. The new guy is Chip. He is a son of a distant cousin of ours. Chip looks like Dingdong Dantes. I have a crush on him that dates back several years but I stopped myself because he is a relative. He was just blossoming as a teenager then. He is in his early 20s now but still in school.

Chip and Ursula were introduced to each other the last night I was in my hometown last month. My friend has been telling me since, that they have been texting and talking with each other when Chip returned to Manila the day I arrived here. All those time that Ursula was talking about Chip, I was the loyal friend advising him to take it easy but also to enjoy the feeling while laughing about them being distant relations. We laugh as we both recite, "Como baka mechado, como karne menudo, toda con toda, mas parientes mas dulce."

Ursula is in Manila now to meet the man in the palace who is rumored to be the new paramour of the grand dame. As I've told you before, Ursula is the executive assistant of one of the Mayors in our province. Chip and Ursula are meeting within the week.

But last Saturday, I was surprised and elated to find Chip in the house of my cousin in Makati. We drank the horse beer while watching "Rent" with my cousins. I tried not talking to him because he has a pact with Ursula that no one should know about their relationship, if indeed they are involved. But he was nice to me as I curled hissing in place. Later, the kick of the horse did not rein the tongue twisting inside the snake's mouth.

When it was sleeping time, I was positioned next to him in bed. The next thing I know I was already touching him down there in the bushes and realizing that there was no protestation from him, I went down.

He moved and I stopped myself. "What was I thinking?"

I slithered back to my place and slept.

We were almost not talking to each other the next day even as I prepared his breakfast and ate together. It was a bad move indeed. We were becoming friends but my scales has showed and my fangs were unleashed. I might be saying goodbye to a friendship with this wonderful person who I happened to like but is with my bestfriend now.

I told Wilma about what happened. And while we laughed about Ursula jokingly calling me, "halas!" (snake in the vernacular), when he called me up last Sunday, I told Wilma not to tell Ursula about what happened. I admit that what happened was a betrayal. I am not proud of it at all. Ursula would be hurt certainly if he would know about what transpired.

The weather lately has been cold due to the rains. Perhaps the rain triggered it or the alcohol. But I should have known better.

The snake has to hibernate immediately. More so now that Dudut has finally agreed to be in a relationship with me last night.

But that is another story.