songs of the merman

I went to the water's edge, forgot I couldn't swim I went to the water's edge, all ready to jump in I saw the water shimmer I heard the wind howl I saw my own reflection I just can't see it now

You say it's the way of the world To somehow co-exists That eventually life unfurls A path to happiness So I whisper your little secret And repeat it under my breath I'll save it for you in my heart In case we both forget

Oh, I wish you could wrap yourself around me I am gripped by a loneliness Oh, I wish you could wrap yourself around me I'd be released in your tenderness I'd be released in your tenderness
- Cyndi Lauper

Last night I made love with someone again. It was with Pepper. He is a new friend. I met him more than a month ago through Joan. He is a working student in his early 20s. He has the most gorgeous legs.

It was past eleven in the evening when he passed by the salon. Joan called him up and told him that I would be alone later in the night. Joan asked further if Pepper would be willing to join me.

He agreed and returned after 30 minutes. I bought us horse beer and drank inside the side room in the Salon while Joan and the others were frolicking with some young men in the main room.

We talked about his job and mine. His sexuality and mine. His dreams and mine.

He used to have a best friend with whom experienced man to man sex. I inquired what did they do exactly. He answered nonchalantly in the darkness of the room that they pleasured each other.

Let's do the same, I said to him and closed the door.

After we made love, while resting with our arms wrapped around each other in the dark, I heard Cyndi Lauper singing "Water's Edge" through my Nokia phone. I asked myself if what happened to us was the start of a familiar ritual. Am I going back to the water again?

I woke up with him staring at me in bed. He went home at six in the morning and sent me a take care of yourself text message when I arrived at the office.

I smiled and continued listening to Cyndi's new acoustic album.

back to you
it always comes around
back to you
I tried to forget you
I tried to stay away
But it's too late

over you
I'm never over
over you
something about you
It's just the way you move
the way you move me


I'm so good at forgetting and I quit every game I've played but forgive me love I can't turn and walk away
should have smiled in that picture if it's the last that I'll see of you it's the least that you could not do back to me I know that it comes back to me doesn't it scare you your will is not as strong as it used to be
- John Mayer

I arrived at the office Tuesday morning with the staff meeting already going on. My flight from Legaspi arrived on time. Thanks to two cousins, I was able to catch the plane. My hometown is more than a 100 km away from the airport. We rode almost half of the way on a borrowed motorcycle, without sleep and straight from the benefit dance in the town plaza.

I had one sexual encounter with a service crew on Saturday night thanks to Diday who acted as the contact as usual. The boy was good. The remaining time I had, I spent visiting and drinking with friends and former lovers.



There was Sam. It was ten years ago when I let go but his presence and quiet demeanor still has impact on me. His kids were with him most of the time. We shared a few laughs and exchanged numbers and that was it. There is no plan in the future to call or text him.

There was JC. I last saw him in December 2004 when I was too thin for comfort that made him think that maybe I was using MethAmphetamine. He got involved in a big problem and he left for Manila for more than a year. He is bulkier now and still cute. We shared some drinks with his younger brother and friends in their house. His wife was with him. Before the end of the session, he requested permission to sleep.

There was Reagan who wanted to come with me to Manila. I just smiled at him whenever he ask about his desire because I do not love him anymore.

There was Stephen. We watched basketball together at the town's gym on Sunday but in the night, I let another sister took over my task. It's not the proper time yet to pursue him again.

I felt sad when I arrived home last night. I missed my town. My family is there. All three of us brothers were home. Almost all my friends and relatives went home. And there were some new connections to pursue notwithstanding the old ones.

It almost never rained in my hometown during my stay. But Manila caught me off guard with its cold embrace. It's back to reality again.

Go to sleep, may your sweet dreams come true
Just lay back in my arms for one more night
I've this crazy old notion that calls me sometimes
Saying this one's the love of our lives.

Cause I know a love that will never grow old
And I know a love that will never grow old.

When you wake up the world may have changed
But trust in me, I'll never falter or fail
Just the smile in your eyes, it can light up the night,
And your laughter's like wind in my sails.

As I chat with Paige about the entire Stephen episode, my brother sent me an sms to tell me that a female classmate of mine in elementary school has died of cancer in Germany. I have known her since my preschool days. We used to play the entire gamut of Philippine traditional games from hide and seek to patintero to bahay-bahayan. I am even one of the godfathers of her love child.

God, I am old. My generation is being tapped on the shoulder one by one. Two of my male close friends had succumbed to different illnesses in 1999. We were of the same age and I will never see them again. They just live in my memory now without getting old. I should indeed live each day as if it will be my last but at the same time I am praying that God will grant me a longer and happier life. There are more fun and relevant things to experience and write about.

I'll be in Bicol this weekend for my town's fiesta. I am sure there will be a lot of opportunities for sex there as it was last year. But I am thinking of holding back because as of today, that episode with Stephen cannot be topped. Unless, well, I should fall in love again.

hello i'm your mind giving you someone to talk to

hello

if i smile and don't believe
soon i know i'll wake from this dream
don't try to fix me i'm not broken
hello i'm the lie living for you so you can hide
don't cry

suddenly i know i'm not sleeping
hello i'm still here
all that's left of yesterday

- Evanescence

As you know by now, my best friend, Wilma, is in love with Ronald/Onad (also known as Breaker) who used to work in a lumber shop near the Salon. Earlier this week, as I bask in the joy of a fulfilled desire, Wilma found out that Onad’s girlfriend, Judith, is supposedly pregnant. Here is their story as told by Wilma’s emails to me.

1. July 17, 9:02 AM

im trying to reconcile ronald & the girl until i found out shes pregnant.. di paraw nya kaya maging ama.. takot ang baby ko.. what do you think i should do? forget everything?

2. July 17, 11:00 AM

sinunod naman nila ako sa advice ko so mag uusap sila mamayang gabi paglabas ni judith sa trabaho..ronald confided to me na talagang di nya mahal ang girl- even the girl told me na winiwithdraw nila pero sabi ko nga di naman safe yun.. so bahala sila kung ano ang dapat nilang maging desisyon . at least napapayag ko si ronald na makipagusap at di nya pwedeng takasan obligasyon nya though i told him huwag syang magpakasal kung di nya mahal..

since maysakit c breaker ngayun-- pinapunta ko nalang c judith sa canlubang para maasikaso nya at maibili ng gamot kasi walang pera yun.

ako naman nag decide na to just wait and see what will be the next thing to happen..ang gusto ko lang sa ngayon gumaling na sya para di ako masyadong nag iisip sa kalagayn nya.

thnks

3. July 18, 7:33 PM

Ok na sila. good for them. but not for me & judith:heres our text goes:

------

Judith: Ok na kami. pupunta ako don mamaya.Thanks ha?

Wilma: ok. mabuti naman. bilhan mo nalang ng gamot para gumaling agad. kasi balak nya isanla cell, e ayaw ko

kasi mahirap pag walang communication.

Judith: Communication nyo?

Wilma: Bakit, ayaw mo na na magtxt kami ni ronald, pls be honest.

Judith: May magagawa ba ako kahit ayaw ko e close kau.

Wilma: That means ayaw mo.

Judith: Yes.

Wilma: Ok

-----

Wilma: Ronald, ibalik mo sa akin ang cellphone sa saturday, ayaw ni judith na nagttxt pa tau.

Ronald: Wala syang pakialam sa atin. Akin na lang to wil... pls.

Wilma: Ayaw kong mag away kau dahil sa akin o sa cell na yan, ibalik mo nalang.

Ronald: Wil naman pls.. nagseselos ka na namn yata, di ba nagusap na tau.

Wilma: Ok, sau pa yan hanggat tau pa, pag di na tau pwede babawiin ko yan sa ayaw mot sa gusto, ok?

Ronald: Cge, kaw bahala..

-----

judith: Cnabi ko ba na ayaw kong magtxt kau? di ganun ang txt ko.

Wilma: (No reply)

Judith: Bat di u nagrereply? Magkatxt kau?

Wilma: Yes. Sabi ko sa kanya maghiwalay na kayo tutal di k naman buntis, kung hindi babawiin ko ang cell nya. Bye.

Judith: ( No reply)

---sayang kasi ng cellphone..di ba?

I’ve known you for so long You are a friend of mine But is this all we’d ever be? I’ve loved you ever since You are a friend of mine And babe is this all we ever could be? You tell me things I’ve never known I shown you love you’ve never shown But then again, when you cry I’m always at your side You tell me ’bout the love you’ve had I listen very eagerly But deep inside you’ll never see This feeling of emptiness It makes me feel sad But then again I’m glad...
- Lea Salonga

The friend and batchmate of mine who I mentioned in a previous column died yesterday at 8:57 in the morning. Wan was the one who sent me a message about it. Misyu added this prayer in his message, "Dear Lord, comfort those who are left behind." He asked further about what will the future be for those left behind. Is our toiling and waiting worth it?

I was saddened by what happened because she was a close friend in high school. She had this smile who can win over almost anyone. Even if after high school we haven't found time to continue our friendship, I am going to miss her.

The text by Wan was followed by Wilma's. Earlier yesterday, I sent a message to Wilma saying I had sex with a very dear and beloved but married friend of mine, Stephen, who I have been in love with since the late 90s. Wilma's message said that perhaps I could die now; now that the dream/desire of being with him was finally fulfilled.

I laughed at his message and I said to myself, not yet.

The death of my batchmate and the sex I had near dawn Sunday with my Stephen, proved a point that life is short but as long as one is alive, hoping for a dream or a desire to come true, is worth for life to be lived and enjoyed.

Take a picture of Something that you're not sure of Bring it back to show me But I don't know what I see In the future, find a home Getting nowhere on your own Got to find your missing piece

Coz you don't know where you're going but you wanna talk You feel like you're going where you've been before And nothing's really making any sense at all You tell any one who'll listen that you feel ignored Lets talk Lets taaaalk Do you wanna talk?
- Coldplay

With apologies and appreciation to Paige, I have been sharing our conversations here over gmail. I don't have much to share these days except that last night, Wilma visited the shoppe and we had a drink as usual over boys. He was missing Onad and seemed spatial as always. Nikki's boy last Sunday was there too. His name is James. He is chubby and kind of cute. He converses well and is respectful. I just hope he is telling the truth that he is single.

Does it matter?

(Please find below the transcript of my chat with Paige this morning.)

-o-
andun si wilma kagabi nag nomo

yung booking ni nikki bumalik at nakinomo rin

10:53 AM kaso wala ako sa mood at ayokong maging ahas

Paige ay ganon?? iyong medyo majubis?

me: kahit feel ko si james taba na yun

Paige: ahas? baket ka magiging ahas?

me: yesss

kasi kay nikki sya di ba

Paige: ahh james pala name nun...hayan mo, mapapasa atin din siya

me: pero parang gusto ko syang ka relasyon mukhang mabait at matino

10:54 AM hehehe

Paige: may exclusivity clause pala mga booking natin...kalowka

me: kasama nya yung barkada nyang kalbo nilalandi ni joan

pero parang si wilma ang feel

walang exclusivity clause

Paige: josko...nasa guhit nga ng palad mo ang mapunta sa mga may asawa

me: ano lang respetuhan hehehe

wala daw syang asawa tsika lang niya kay nikki

10:55 AM Paige: may asawa't anak na si james

ganon?

wow mga lalaki talaga..walang nagsasabi nang totoo

10:56 AM me: korek

i did ask him di naman daw

Paige: ayshosko..kakalowka

me: eh sabi ko sana okay lang na may asawa sya

10:57 AM Paige: LOL

ang gusto ko iyong kalbo

10:58 AM me: gusto sana nung kalbo makipag sex sinabi kay wilma

kaya lang ang wilma in love kaya umayaw

feel lang ni wilma makipag do sa mahal nya

Paige: ay potah

me: gaga sya

Paige: dapat kay wilma i-beatify na

10:59 AM at nang luhuran nating lahat

me: korak

may pagka martir sya

Paige: so sino mga guests mo bukas?

11:01 AM me: bona french wilma and you

party na naman ito!

Paige: ayyy ano ito, pageant ang labas?

may the best gurl win ang labanan?

11:03 AM me: mas maganda kung may reservations

11:04 AM Paige: papano iyon

me: eh di reserve mo na kung sino booking mo :)

11:05 AM Paige: ay ganon??? e pano kung wala si derek?

e pano kung wala si kalbo?

e pano kung si joan lang at si jaja ang nandun?

kalowka

me: LOL

11:06 AM andun si bodjie at ang cute na service ko the other night

si emerson?

andun sya kagabi bangenge

11:07 AM Paige: kala ko ba di na puwede don si emerson

yoko si bodjie..para ko na ring kinain si ursula non

11:09 AM teka, may gmail invites ka ba?

11:10 AM me: what do you mean?

11:11 AM Paige: diba may invites na binibigay ang gmail na puwede mong ibigay sa mga friends mong wala pang gmail?

6 minutes

11:17 AM me: yes

kaso di ko maopen pop out ko

11:18 AM Paige: so ano sked mo bukas?

darating nga ba daw si derek ever?

11:20 AM me: di pa sure kung andun si derek. ive to confirm that with joan

sched ko:

meeting work related 10 am

ang ladlad special projects comm meeting 1 pm

ang ladlad gen assembly 2-4 pm

alabang 5.30 pm party!!!!

11:21 AM perso baka may overtime pa kami sa work kaya tentative muna ang mga yan

Paige: daanan mo ako makati on your way home

11:22 AM me: text text